Pounds for Pounds

Lizzie's Diary 23rd March 2009

2009-03-23T09:45:00.000-07:00

So many times over the last few weeks I have logged on to write a new post and so many times I have logged off after not knowing what to say. But the latest comment has made me realise that I have to write something - if only to reassure everyone that I am still in the land of the living. So yes, I am alive and, if not exactly well, then definitely kicking. I must be honest though, I am struggling and am constantly aware of the temptation to restrict.
There, I have written something at least. Now all I need to do is click on publish post...

Lizzie's diary 2nd August 2008

2008-08-03T07:20:00.000-07:00

This week I have handed over even more control. As I hadn't gained sufficient weight, they were encouraging me to reconsider inpatient care, but the thought of shared bathrooms and not sleeping in my own bed was just too awful. So as a compromise, I have decided to go in every day (as opposed to 4 days a week) and to stay for all meals (rather than leave after afternoon snack).

The days are quite well organised - more CBT than basket-weaving thank the lord. I get there for breakfast (8.15) which started off as a cup of cereal (mealplan "B") with 150ml milk and has progressed to a mug of cereal with 200ml milk plus 2 pieces of toast. Then we have a group - something like self-esteem, nutrition or body-image followed by mid-morning snack (which might be a couple of chocolate digestives, a chocolate bar, cereal bar, banana, piece of cake and a drink - they are quite restrictive on fluid intake and I spend half my time absolutely gasping). Then before lunch there is time for us to meet with our individual therapists or with the dietician. Lunch is at 12.30 and is pretty standard institutionalised stuff but not too bad. I have really struggled with the quantities and did a runner the first day I was presented with a full portion so am now back to half-portions and make up the deficit at other times. Each meal is followed by a rest-period during which we have to sit around and try not to expend any energy - no mean feat when most of us are used to being on the go all the time. Another group - either art, gardening, creative writing or yoga - takes us up to the next feeding time (15.30 snack - along the same lines as the morning one). Dinner is at 18.00 and is generally lighter than lunch. Then it is home sweet home, night-time snack and straight into the land of nod. So there you go, my week in a nutshell.

Lizzie's diary 27th July 2008

2008-07-27T04:29:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. It's been ages - I'm crap. But at least there is a good reason for it. I started on the day-patient programme at Cotswold House 3 weeks ago (God is it really that long?) and to be quite honest, at the end of a day there thinking about me me me, the last thing I want to do when I get home is update my blog.

But I have to say, it is not half as bad as I had feared. Yes, it is hard and much of it is not pleasant at all, but the staff and other inmates make it a whole lot easier. The difference between this place and the Priory is incredible. I really feel they know what they are doing and feel that I can trust them even when everything inside me is fighting doing it.

I go for 4 days a week from 8am to 4pm and the aim is to gain a pound a week. So far I have put on 0.4kg but it is weigh-day tomorrow so watch this space...

Lizzie's diary 17th June 2008

2008-06-17T04:18:00.000-07:00

I seem to have come to a grinding halt. That is 2 weeks without a gain and I am in breach of my contract. I don't know what to do. I was making such progress and feeling so much better and now I am in fear of slipping again. Why couldn't I keep the impetus up on my own?

But at least my BMI is now 14 which is a level at which the hospital would accept me on to the day-patient programme so perhaps that is the way forward.

Lizzie's diary 4th June 2008

2008-06-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

Another small advance this week - a further 0.3 kilos - to 40.3 kilos. Not quite the pound of flesh I had promised my husband, but that means I am now a fraction short of 6stone 5lbs.

Slowly but surely......

Lizzie's diary, 27th May 2008

2008-05-29T03:32:00.000-07:00

Diary entry: 27th May

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40 kg. Again. Well I suppose it is a nice round figure so its not surprising I've plumped for it.

Sometimes I pray to Cod for the veal-power to stop playing with my words but I fear it is too bread into me. For all I know, the wurst may be yet to come.

I am disappointed though - even the practice nurse had written in my notes that I was "chuffed to bits" last time I put on a pound. I guess it will go in fits and starts, but it is a bit demoralising, especially as I've just announced how well I am doing.

So it is a case of back to the drawing board or rather the mealplan, to identify the areas that had started to slip. And if all else fails I'll just down another Clinutren.

2008-05-26T04:45:00.000-07:00

26th May - Note from Lizzie

Present weight 6 stone 4lbs, starting weight 5 stone 11lbs.
Weight gain so far - 7lbs!

Note from Barry

"Those of you who are sponsoring Lizzie by the pound need to get your cheque books out and go to www.justgiving.com/lizziegrimaldi because this weight has been maintained since the 6th of May."

Lizzie's diary, 25th May 2008

2008-05-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

Diary entry: 25th May

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It's about time I wrote something but it has been so long, and so much has happened that I don't really know where to start. It feels really weird writing anything at all.
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First and foremost though, I need to say a huge thankyou to Hannah. But like all good things, her involvement in this had to come to an end and she has moved on to bigger and better things. So goodbye and good luck. Cheese sandwiches will never taste the same again. I would never have had the courage or strength to embark on this without her and we went through a lot together. But end it has so I shall have to build on what I have achieved which, thinking about it, is a hell of a lot.
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Shortly after the last diary entry we went on holiday - well I say on holiday, what I really mean is we were transported to another world. And for that time I got back a taste for living. It made me remember what I was missing. And when we got back and I got on the scales, I was genuinely thrilled to find that I had managed to gain enough to secure a stay of execution. Even better than that, the following week I had gained a further pound. I thought I was coming out of the woods and probably got a bit complacent because I haven't gained any more since then. Bugger.
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Having stuck so rigidly to the terms of the contract, I can feel myself slipping again and I'm scared. But having had that taste of how much better I felt (and I can't believe it was only due to the sun, sea, sand, personal chef..... well, maybe it was) I am not going to let myself go again.

Note from Hannah

2008-04-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

Hello again all,

Feels like ages since I last wrote this blog. So much has been going on in the last month or two - some good, some hideously ugly!

To cut a long story short (and I know Lizzie won't mind me for being honest) things weren't really working out as they were. Sadly I have too much work on to provide Lizzie with the regular and guaranteed support that she needs. As she said in her blog, the 'duties' I'd taken on for this challenge had increased one by one over the last few months in order to try and get things off the ground and it wasn't feasible to continue with the same amount of responsibility considering that I am unqualified. What's more, I couldn't justify continuing when there wasn't a significant enough weight gain each week.

So... things became a little tetchy for a while, and in the end we both agreed that perhaps the whole challenge needed a shake up, or just plain change. Only Lizzie could decide how that shake up was going to come about since I was taking a step back, and it appears that this new contract idea may do the trick. For one thing, it leaves no room to blame other people or situations that may arise. The daily meal plan is laid out and if it isn't stuck to then it's hospital, like it or lump it.

Some people will have seen this coming from a mile off but hey, whether or not Lizzie did or not, I certainly thought it might work... and to a certain extent it has. At the end of the day she's gone from eating probably less than 500 calories per day to eating nearly 2000, purely as a result of constant nagging, guilt tripping and kicks up the proverbial, not to mention will-power and determination on both parts. Maybe, just maybe, she's got the tools now to work at it herself (with moral support from me, Barry, her friends, her sponsors and her carers) and make those final steps towards actually putting weight on?! Watch this space!

Lizzie's diary, 1st April 2008

2008-04-03T12:35:00.001-07:00

Diary entry: 1st April

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A slightly better increase than last week (0.2kg) - more of a toddler step perhaps? but still pretty insignificant. I think we could have all done with a giant stride this week, but hey, at least it is still heading in the right direction. And we are only 2 days into the new contract.

Lizzie's diary, 31st March 2008

2008-04-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

Diary entry: 31st March

Well, I'm sticking to it. Signing on the dotted line seems to have made a difference. Minor clocks going forward-related misunderstanding at lunchtime yesterday threatened to throw the whole thing into disarray but by walking away, taking several deep breaths (and several swigs of rescue remedy) and locating a new frame of mind, the situation was diffused. And the afternoon snack was a breeze (well, tea and biscuits actually). But the only true indication of whether this is working will be on the scales. So lets just keep fingers, toes, eyes crossed for tomorrow. It may not be the whole pound of flesh which is demanded of me but it'll certainly be more than the paltry 100g of the past few weeks.

Lizzie's diary, 26th March 2008

2008-04-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

Diary entry: 26th March

I think a slight change of tactic is called for. At probably the same time, Hannah realised she had bitten off more than she could chew and I realised I was expecting too much of her. So I am relieving her of her food-related duties and instead have drawn up my own meal plan in tandem with a signed contract drawn up by the dreaded husband which basically states that I agree to gain a pound a week (or I go into hospital), that I address my food-associated behaviours (or I go into hospital), that I stick to my mealplan (or I go into hospital), that I stop blaming everyone (including myself) and accept that this is an illness (or I go...) etc etc. My terms, my decisions. And so far, so good. Watch this (ever increasing) space.

Lizzie's diary, 25th March 2008

2008-04-03T12:32:00.000-07:00

Diary entry: 25th March

Another minor increase. This is proving too difficult to sustain on my own. Perhaps hospital is the solution. I just cannot face it. I can't make that decision. There needs to be another way - this way. I have to take a deep breath and remind myself of why I am doing this, what I need to do, how I have to do it and then just get on with it. Without thinking too much. I tend to overthink everything and blow it all out of proportion. It's not that hard so don't make it. I have to sign a mental contract to adhere to the programme and constantly remind myself of it. Or hospital it is.

Lizzie's diary, 23rd March 2008

2008-03-24T06:50:00.001-07:00

Diary entry: 23rd March

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This is just awful. I don’t know what I’m doing and don’t know how to (not) do it. I should be feeling better. Getting better. But I don’t. I feel worse. Physically, mentally, psychologically, emotionally. I don’t know how to feel, I think I’ve forgotten. I’m on edge. Jittery, unsettled. Detached and scared. Is this payback time? Have I done too little too late – “baby-steps” as someone commented.

Lizzie's diary, 22nd March 2008

2008-03-24T06:49:00.000-07:00

Diary entry: 22nd March
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I am finding it really hard to write anything much – too much stuff going on. The only thing I can say is that I am concentrating on what I have to do in terms of meals, and then at least I can say that something positive has come out of this difficult time. It would be too obvious to use this as a tailor-made excuse not to eat, but I’ve never been the one to take the easy option.
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And the bed-time drink doesn’t half make you sleep well, for it is better to sleep on things beforehand than lie awake about them afterwards.

Lizzie's diary, 18th March 2008

2008-03-24T06:48:00.001-07:00

Diary entry: 18th March

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Luckily the fiasco that was this weekend has not had too much of a detrimental effect on my weight (up by 0.1kg). But on reflection, I actually managed to adhere to my meal quite well despite all the upsets. I think I only missed out on 2 desserts and a snack or two. It is just such a shame that it happened, I really was making headway. I have to be extra diligent and vigilant while Hannah and Barry are away and prove I can do this. All my own work.

Lizzie's diary, 17th March 2008

2008-03-24T06:46:00.000-07:00

Diary entry: 17th March
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So Hannah has gone to Dubai and Barry has left. Alone again.
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But I cannot and will not let this beat me, however may excuses I may have. I have proved to myself that I can eat even when the odds are stacked against me. I have to remind myself that I am doing this for me and no-one else. And I will be the one that suffers the most if I don’t.

Lizzie's diary, 15th March 2008

2008-03-24T06:39:00.000-07:00

Diary entry: 15th March
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Tears are the symbol of the inability of the soul to restrain its emotion and retain its self command (Henri Frederic Amiel)
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My moods and emotions have gone completely haywire. Why is this happening? Surely I should be more stable now my nutritional status is improving, not less. I seem to have spent the last few days dissolved in floods of tears.
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I have managed to make up for Fridays blip and just hope it has not an adverse effect on my weight. I cannot afford to mess up, time is running out.
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I had another outpouring of emotion at lunchtime. Unquiet meals make ill digestions.

Lizzie's diary, 14th March 2008

2008-03-24T06:37:00.000-07:00

Diary entry: 14th March
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One of the biggest problems with this diary is that the times about which you need to write most are precisely those about which you feel you cannot write. I don’t know what has happened, why I feel like I do. Is it being under constant threat, pressure, stress (whatever) of hospital, splitting up, doing what I cannot do? I can’t think straight, I’m not making sense. Everything should be so clear, so easy and straightforward but I have so many conflicting extrinsic and intrinsic messages. Why, when I need something so fundamental is it denied me. I need help but cannot provide it. If I have to ask it is already too late. I am dead set on this and am determined to make it work but I need support – even if it does come to incarceration, until such time we need to have given it our best shot. Maybe I won’t like it, but that is irrelevant. I’ve lost the luxury of preference.
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I was doing so well this week, no cutting corners, finishing everything that was on my plate (cobwebs included), deciding to have a snack instead of pretending (primarily to myself) that I would have it later. Then the proverbial hit the fan. I don’t know what I said or did or didn’t say or didn’t do, but it was wrong, wrong, wrong. And at the end of shall we say a slightly emotional day as a result of Hannah trying to tackle some of my pre-prandial behaviours, I didn’t have it in me to behave rationally. Things spiraled out of control and I am thoroughly ashamed to admit I gave in to it and let the anorexia win. Why? Why did I protest by clamping my jaw shut? Just stupid. What a waste of an evening – sent to bed with no dessert, no night-time snack and no Clinutren.

Lizzie's diary, 13th March 2008

2008-03-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

Diary entry: 13th March
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Nicky gave me a summary the Keys paper which documents the Minnesota study of the 40s and 50s in which the effects of starvation on the behaviour of 36 young healthy men with no prior history of psychological disorders were observed. They were studied during a period of normal eating, during a longer period of severe restriction and after restriction was lifted. The findings are fascinating - bearing in mind the effects were a direct result of starvation - the men were not anorexic per se. Which begs the question, if you are genetically predisposed to it, can severe restriction actually induce anorexia or at least anorexic behaviour? Although the individual responses varied enormously, they all suffered dramatic physical, psychological and social changes.
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So many of the changes are just too familiar for comfort. Or perhaps I should be reassured - perhaps I am not a total nutter after all. Just starving.
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One of the most profound changes observed was in the men's attitude to food and eating - not only did they find themselves unable to concentrate on normal things (being plagued, as they were, by thoughts of food) but they started to adopt wheat could be called "behaviours" such as eating very slowly (guilty your honour), making unusual concoctions (not unless you count Chorlicks) and general bad table manners (licking my knife? picking crumbs? mea culpa) A few of them binged, and although the majority eventually went back to eating normally, some found it hard to assess exactly what normal was.
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Nearly all of them were depressed.
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Their previous tolerance was replaced by irritability and angry outbursts. They were anxious and many started biting their nails and/or smoking. They were apathetic (tick) and worryingly began to neglect areas of personal hygiene (does my breath smell?)
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Another aspect of the starvation was the shift in their social behaviour - they became progressively withdrawn and isolated which is something I feel myself drawn to when I'm down.
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Their concentration, alertness, comprehension and judgement were also......
Oh yes, also impaired.
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And so it goes on. I can tick so many boxes - decreased strength, hypersensitivity to noise and light, parasthesia, decrease in metabolism. one man said he felt his body was burning on the lowest flame possible to conserve precious fuel and still maintain life processes. Luckily, in rehab, their metabolism speeded up again. Phew.
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Unsurprisingly they were physically feak and weeble, however one or two went into Duracell bunny mode. Been there, done that.
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Take home message? That many of the symptoms I have are a direct result of the starvation rather than a manifestation of the AN; and that the most important thing at the moment is to restore my weight to a more normal level.
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But worryingly, those men's relationship with food did not return to normal even after the period of restriction ceased - in the short term they felt out of control and couldn't assess when they were hungry or full, symptoms which persisted even after normal weight was restored and in some cases took years to normalise.
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Very, very interesting though.
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Buoyed up by my conversation with the unbelievably divine Huge, I developed another snack tactic. Last weekend I had really questioned why I felt such guilt at playing the free-with-The-Times Scrabble CD-ROM. So to assuage the guilt I accompanied it with a cup of tea and a flapjack.
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I lost the game but won the battle.

Lizzie's diary, 12th March 2008

2008-03-13T02:42:00.000-07:00

Diary entry: 12th March

I went to see Nicky B yesterday, really to talk about how things are going and where we go from here. I am wondering whether she was right and that we were naive to think we could do this alone. Despite our initial enthusiasm and conviction, interest has waned. I am not ready to take the reins yet but by assuring everyone that I am doing ok I risk sliding down that familiar snake. Trying to please people, being a good girl. I am a nuisance and an irritation. Maybe I do need to be in a situation with continuous, experienced support instead of muddling through in the belief that I know best. But the rest of the army is not out of step.
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It is at times like this that I just want to curl up in a ball and withdraw.

Lizzie's diary, 11th March 2008

2008-03-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

Diary entry: 11th March
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Boring boring boring. What a waste of a week. No gain at all. Not surprising I suppose- I have let things slop a bit - the odd snack here and there. not even an E for effort then. Must try a lot harder.
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I'm feeling very lost. Hannah is rushing around like a blue a**ed fly trying to get her stuff off to Dubai so I don't feel I can pester her. She hasn't really got the time to hep me at the moment and is on a bit of a short fuse. She thinks it is so straightforward, and so it should be. But if it were then I would be better by now. She cannot understand why I let the snack slip, and if I think about it during one of my (admittedly rare) lucid moments, nor can I. But slip it did, and reinstating it has not been easy.
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If we are going to have any hope of going on Sunrise at the beginning of April, something has got to happen asap. I can't keep going on like this; it is doing my head in. I feel trapped and can't fight my way out. I've used up all my lifelines, tested everyone's patience to the max. Everyone has done everything they can, now it is my turn. Stop procrastinating, deflecting, blaming; just get on with it. JFDI.

Lizzie's diary, 4th March 2008

2008-03-07T04:31:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 4th March

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Another 0.2kg gain. I think that is pretty damned good for such a hard week.
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I'm not sure how I feel. Should I be pleased, disappointed, relieved? What? I know it is good, and particularly in light of Hannah's absence, but a part of me is troubled. I haven't really made any big increases (well no increases if I am totally honest) so why has the weight gone up? But it's good that it has, right? But will it keep on going up? Hang on, I have at least been eating 3 decent meals plus every day, under my own volition, so in some ways it is surprising it hasn't gone up more, right? Or is it?
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To dispel this cognitive dissonance I phoned Nicky at Cotswold House. She was the very voice of reason and has made me feel less anxious. Not least by pointing out that if I was in hospital they would want five times that amount gained in a week. And also that the quicker it goes on, the shorter the time that I have to suffer this (no shit!) But sometimes it just takes someone else to reiterate the blatantly obvious.

Lizzie's diary, 3rd March 2008

2008-03-07T04:29:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 3rd March
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I’m worried by how tempted I am to cut back. I really struggled with making my lunch today – taking the extra slice of bread out, putting it back, taking it out again. Do I have one whole sandwich with minimal crust trimming, or 1.5 with plenty for the birds?
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I managed to overcome the temptation and had the extra half, but it has depressed me how easy it is to slip into back ways if I am not constantly vigilant. My OCD is getting bad too – I drove Barry to distraction at times over the weekend with hand washing, tidying, straightening and other such eccentricities.
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He seemed to be more patient this weekend. I don’t know whether it is because he can see I’m trying and that it could be working, or what. But whatever the reason, I just hope it lasts and hopefully it will keep improving just as long as I do.
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I felt very alone this evening with only my behaviours to keep me company. Somehow it just brings them into focus and it is so frustrating not to be able to conquer them. Do they have to get worse before they get better? Or are they going to get worse full-stop and never go away. I'm sick of this going on and on. I'm sick of being sick. Go away.
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Weighing tomorrow. i guess with all that has been going on, I should be happy to at least have maintained. But that will be so dull. What if I have put on more than the requisite pound? Or if I've lost? I don't know what to expect.

Lizzie's diary, 1st March 2008

2008-03-07T04:24:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 1st March
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Lying in bed, I started worrying that some of my immediacy had dissipated. Is it because I am more relaxed, less inclined to jump up and find the pen to write down those inconsequential threads? And is that a bad thing? If I don’t write anything, is it a sign that I’m getting back to normal and getting on with things, or is it that I’m going into a state of inertia? I don’t feel I’ve been going anywhere very fast this week. Thrashing around, making no headway. Empty ships. But I have been getting somewhere because this has been on my own. Really on my own. Quite scary how mad I really am. Too many OCDs manifesting themselves. Multiplying, escalating, taking over again. But they will not be quashed by force, only through kindness and understanding. No pressure. Quietude, normality and consistency.

Lizzie's diary, 29th February 2008

2008-03-07T04:20:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 29th February
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Yesterday wasn’t great but I did manage to eat a decent-ish dinner. I really am floundering though (foundering? Floundering? Which flounder?) and needed to talk to Hannah to get a kick up the proverbial. Even from that distance she made me see the error of my ways (and took my mind off making the sandwich. Cheese just doesn’t taste the same without her). I’ve lost any sort of appetite and enjoyment of food – will it ever return?
But doth not the appetite alter? A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age.
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I had prepared myself for going out this evening – I was being allowed out for good behaviour – Madame Butterfly with Ged and Shyla. I was a bit apprehensive – it seems a long time since I last saw them, plus it was going to disrupt my eating plan big time, but hey, I can’t stay locked up in this ivory tower forever. Unfortunately Ged has had to cancel so I find myself alone again. I can’t say I blame Barry for using the tickets but under the circumstances, I felt it was better for me not to go. I’m not being a martyr, just sensible for once. Things are so volatile at the moment so I think I shouldn't risk breaking anymore eggshells. Think I'll spend the evening practising my tip-toeing.
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I found myself reacting in typical ana-mode earlier – Ginny texted me to say how nice it was to see me yesterday (liar, liar) and that I looked great. Of course for ‘great’ I read ‘fat’ (or at least fatter). Why? & even is she did mean that, does it matter? Bothered?

Lizzie's diary, 28th February 2008

2008-03-07T04:17:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 26th February
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This week has been a real struggle. Although Hannah has been in touch regularly, there is only so much she can do. I’ve felt my resolve waning and I have been really low today. I’ve tried to keep myself ‘up’ and busy but it feels like a real façade. I can’t allow myself to get depressed and wallow in self-pity, but I could do with a little TLC. I don’t want to admit how I really feel to anyone, just want to reassure them that it is going well when actually it is not getting easier at all.
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Decided to try another approach to my afternoon snack as previous tacks have not been wholly successful – macadamia nuts and dried cranberries nibbled while practicing the piano. One to be eaten every time I made a mistake. Very filling (I’m no Ashkenazy) but not too bad as snacks go. And it goes to show that you really are what you eat (nuts. Ho ho ho.)
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But the main problem now is that it is 6 o’clock already. I’ve got to defrost something for dinner but I don’t want to have to think about food anymore. Oh dear, it is all going pear-shaped. I know how it feels.

Lizzie's diary, 26th February 2008

2008-03-07T04:13:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 26th February
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The window cleaner asked how my fundraising was going – apparently there was a piece in last week’s Banbury Guardian about it. I’m not sure I like being recognized for this – maybe it was a mistake after all. Barry was pee-ed off last week as he doesn’t like his patients commenting on it and being “famous for being married to an anorexic.” Well, if I continue to get over it, perhaps he’ll be happier to be famous for being married to a recovered one.
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I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar
Nikky just phoned, hot off the slopes. It is lovely to know she is thinking of me. I miss her. She is one of the first true friends I have had.
Some of the nicest times recently have been with her – and all of them ostensibly very ordinary. Giggling like school girls over absolutely nothing, making salami puffs while she got ready to go out, her bringing me a consignment of cheesecakes without being asked. Just kind, thoughtful things that you (or rather I) don’t expect people to do. The kind of things that I do (and enjoy doing) for others but don’t feel I merit having done for me. The only way to have a friend is to be one.
I just hope I don’t do anything to ruin it.
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Mummy Stas has also been an enormous comfort to me, her constant, unquestioning, unconditional support and love have helped me so much. It has made me realize though that it is not so much ones friends’ help that helps us, as the confidence of their help. I read a lovely quote by someone called Dag Hammarskjold (no, I’ve never heard of him either) that friendship needs no words – it is solitude delivered from loneliness. How true.
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I suppose I should write something about my appointment yesterday. I think Nicky Boughton is ok with me carrying on like this, but has emphasized the importance of increasing the calorie intake in order to maintain the weight gain, something which Hannah and I need to address when she gets back. But having spent the best part of an hour analyzing what is going wrong, I cannot brings myself to think about it anymore.

Weigh-in results

2008-02-26T16:04:00.000-08:00

Hoorah...
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A GAIN of 0.2 kg

Unfortunately it's not the lb per week that we require but considering that there are plenty of scenarios that haven't been exactly like the normal routine it's pretty good. I'm off 'gallivanting' so Lizzie's got to cope with one or two lunches by herself this week and so far (I hope) has only had minor slippage with one sandwich as apposed to 1.5 sarnies on one of the days. But she still made the sandwich home alone, all progress!
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What's more, I believe this is the first time (ever?) that Lizzie's gained weight two weeks in a row whilst out of hospital so huge pat on back.
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Apologies for lack of regular postings this week... I'm trying to type on a German keyboard where the 'y's are swapped with the 'z's, the apostrophe is in a totally illogical place and the whole thing is dotted with landmines of ö, ü, ä, ß, amongst other things. Next bumper load on Tuesday, barring any catastrophes (broken limbs etc.)
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And finally, I'm afraid there isn't an e-mail going out to the mailing list this week as my computer with all the addresses on has been left at home. But don't panic, you are all still included on it!
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Thanks again everyone for your continued support, sponsorship and comments! Remember, many of you still owe money for the last gain so get cracking with payments at www.justgiving.com/lizziegrimaldi
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Love Hannah

Lizzie's diary, 26th February 2008

2008-02-26T16:02:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 26th February
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Great. What a relief - a gain this week. Maybe not enough (0.2kg) but a gain nonetheless. You see, I knew I was back on track. It's so ratifying to see my efforts translated into pounds.
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"It's a very odd thing
As odd as can be
That whatever Lizzie G eats
Turns into Lizzie G"
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Good timing as I'm off to Cotswold House this afternoon.

Lizzie's diary, 25th February 2008

2008-02-26T15:59:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 25th February
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I feel terribly alone. Barry has gone back to London after enduring lunch with me, and with no Hannah or Nikky here for comfort, I'm a bit lost. I know what I have to do but somehow trying to fill the time until you have to eat again is not easy without having someone to help take your mind off it. The Clinutren is getting harder and harder to swallow. I know it's the dreaded weigh-in tomorrow, and I am also going to see Nicky Boughton so I guess it is hardly surprising that I'm a bit wound up.
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Lunch is a bit angst-ridden. When I know I am under scrutiny, behaviours try to creep in. Come back Hannah - all is forgiven!
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I tried to keep calm (I've bought shares in Rescue Remedy). I'm, trying to get back to eating normally, part of which is being able to have lunch together. Life appears on hold rather than moving forward (albeit at a snail's pace) and getting over this. Unfortunately this rather painful and unpalatable process has to be endured.

Lizzie's diary, 24th February 2008

2008-02-26T15:57:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 24th February 2008
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Just when I thought it was safe.
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Why do emotions have to be so flipping emotional? Apropos of absolutely nothing, I needed to scream and yell and generally behave like a raving lunatic. Poor Barry was unfortunate enough to be caught in the firing line. But luckily he had the sense to make himself scarce until it had blown over.
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Q: Why are men like mascara?
A: They run at the slightest display of emotion.
Boom boom.
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So what was I going to write? I was never a Bluebird. Our loss.
Back to life. Reality calls.
Oh yes, I'm my own worst enemy. That was it.
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Bit too random all of that. A stream of semi-consciousness. But you try writing when you are tired and emotional. It's that word again.

Lizzie's diary, 22nd February 2008

2008-02-26T15:55:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 22nd February
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It's very difficult to write down everything that is happening when it seems to be happening so quickly.
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It is very scary not having Hannah here. She is such a grounding element in all this. So, I don't know, real. Normal. Without her I feel slightly adrift. Like I have to make all the decisions.

Lizzie's diary, 21st February 2008

2008-02-26T15:51:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 21st February
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So. Our last lunch before Hannah goes off gallivanting in Austria for ten days. How do I feel? (Sorry, just need to slam this window of opportunity shut before the anorexic gremlin doing cartwheels of glee outside it has a chance to wheedle its way in.)
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I'll miss her (I'm sure the feeling is not mutual) She is an enormous support to me and I couldn't have come this far without her. She has a very old head on her young shoulders and really knows her own mind. (Funny, both those things were written in my school reports when I was 12.) You don't argue with Hannah. Well not unless you value your head. I'll just have to imagine her reaction (the ubiquitous eyeroll - must think up an emoticon for that) whenever I feel myself teetering on the brink of behaviourism.
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I don't feel ready to be left on my own and I need to institute a pro tempore support system to prevent myself succumbing to the temptation to restrict which is still frightening pervasive. Had a little wibble as it was coming up to lunchtime. No-one around to invigilate. What to do? What to do?
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Decided to risk interrupting Hannah's holiday and texted for help. Luckily she was on hand so could talk me through making the sandwich. Now all I have to do is eat it.
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I'm pretty proud of myself actually. Sitting on my own and eating a proper sandwich. I concede it was one rather than one and a half, but still I gave myself a bloody good pat on the back. Well done! (I'm allowed to say that).

Lizzie's diary, 20th February 2008

2008-02-26T15:47:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 20th February
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I am totally overwhelmed and humbled by the kindness of strangers (and of those who are not so strange). In particular one comment brought tears to my eyes. For someone who doesn't know me to say they are listening with compassion rather than chagrin, that they are not rolling their eyes any more than if their daughter was sick from chemo, is such a comfort when I am feeling misunderstood. So thankyou, whoever you may be. Another really helpful suggestion was to put a warm pad on my stomach to help digestion - it actually works (even better if the warm pad is a wheat-filled sheep - thankyou Nanny!)
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I hope my digestive system is getting a bit more used to working again - it doesn't seem to be complaining quite so much (touch wood) although whether that is due to the constant supply of peppermint tea and rescue remedy who knows? I don't care, as long as it keeps improving.
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According to Brillat-Savarin, "Digestion, of all the bodily functions, is the one which exercises the greatest influence on the mental state of the individual"
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Gerry posited that it is unlikely that I am absorbing as much as I should be and he could be right. All too often (and sorry to be so scatological) things are still as they went in (if-you-understand-me-sort-of-business).
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Changing the subject rapidly.
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I've just looked back through some of the comments and realized that they are a huge part of this. To have such support from friends and anonymouses (anonymice?) is invaluable. I am learning so much, not just about myself and how I deal with stuff, but how other people are. That it is ok to just be. That one of the most important things in life is to make other people feel good - but genuinely. Without an agenda. Just because you want to. Altruism. It is not all about how hard you work, how much you earn and how much you have. The extraneous material accoutrements of life are baubles (albeit very pretty baubles) and hollow baubles at that.
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"A fully gorged belly never produced a sprightly mind", so don't expect too much of me. Just back from lunch chez Shergolds and I am well and truly stuffed. Why is it that just when I think I am coping with quantities, I find myself completely floored? I kept thinking I was hallucinating and that I'd been given a magical plate that kept replenishing itself. Luckily I've got a massage booked this afternoon, so hopefully that'll take my mind off my stomach for a while.
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Well I've been pummeled to within an inch of my life. I feel like I've been put through a mangle. It was great though, I must remember to do it more often.
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Still stuffed from that humungous lunch. And it's almost dinner time. So on with the Sisyphean task in hand.

Lizzie's diary, 19th February 2008

2008-02-26T15:44:00.001-08:00

Diary entry: 19th February
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Very disappointed. Not just in the lack of weight gain, but in myself. I should have been stronger. Stronger to overcome all the hurdles that presented themselves. Unfortunately it just comes down to me, I have to be the one to do something - if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. I'm really surprised just how I feel about this - I would have thought I would have been relieved that I hadn't gained weight for the 2nd week but I wasn't. If only I had been able to keep the momentum up rather than succumb to the temptation offered to me by my over-kind husband.
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After the messed up few days, I'm finding it hard to switch straight back into it. I haven't gone back to square one by any means, but I couldn't add in another snack as we had planned. But I'm back on the right tracks again and I am not going to be pushed off them again.

Weigh-in results and sponsorship update

2008-02-19T03:25:00.001-08:00

Chaps and chappesses,

There is good and bad news this week. We'll start with the bad news...

No gain this week sadly. Many distractions and a long weekend with Barry rather than with constant nagging from Hannah the Horrid has upset the routine slightly, but what we mustn't do is assume that the only way to keep at this challenge is to completely avoid the more difficult obstacles. Lizzie's got to learn from this and know that if it's possible to gain weight (to all intents and purposes) by herself, then there's no reason why she can't stick to exactly the same routine with another body in the house. We've discussed the strong temptations both to 'invite' problems and also to use those problems as excuses to not stick at the routine. Overall, provided Lizzie learns from this (and improves this week and not in 6 months time!) then it's been a worthwhile experience.

And the good news...

You all owe money to the Hospice of St. Francis!!!

The deal was that any weight gain had to be maintained for one week before it counted as a proper gain... and now for the first time, here we are with pounds for pounds! The total amount raised for this first pound is approximately:

£2100

Congratulations to Lizzie and to every supporter that has helped her on the way. I know you'll all be very disappointed is there isn't an improvement next week but we'll be working on it. Please visit the webpage www.justgiving.com/lizziegrimaldi and donate your Pounds for Pounds figure, and remember to tick the box that enables the tax relief, it really does make a difference.

As is mentioned in the diary, I am going away on Friday for 10 days and although I'll be in touch with Lizzie, there will be changes to incorporate into the routine. But she CAN do it, and had better do it otherwise 'Hannah the Horrid' will return 'Hannah the Hideously Horrendous' on the 3rd March!

As always, please e-mail hannah@hannahshergold.com if you'd like to be added to the mailing list which will let you know when the blog is updated. If you'd like to sponsor Lizzie then please have a look at the November post entitled 'The Donation System' and follow the instructions.

Thanks everyone, keep those comments coming in!

Lizzie's diary, 19th February 2008

2008-02-19T03:22:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 19th February

I suppose I should be grateful for small mercies - at least I avoided the cliche of losing all the weight I gained last week, but it would have been so nice to have another equivalent gain this week. What it has proved is just how important sticking to the routine is - I have to get firmly back on track this week. I cannot allow myself (or anyone else) to deviate from my road back to health, however tempting it may be. Ok, i risk upsetting Barry, but I'm sure he is big enough to shoulder it - as long as he can see it is for the best (Fortifresh).

Lizzie's diary, 18th February 2008

2008-02-19T03:18:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 18th February

Apologies for the hiatus. So much to say but so few words. Who is going to invent a pause button for life?
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I’m a bit worried. Hannah is going away at the end of this week and I’m not sure how I am going to cope without the nagging! Although I completely understand that she has her own life, I do need her. I need her support at the moment; I’m not ready to take over yet. It would be very easy to reassure her that I’m doing fine on my own, but I would be lying. I can’t pretend. This is too important to risk just because I’m scared of appearing needy and demanding. Although I think I can do it on my own, I’m not sure. It is now “lunchtime”. Barry has gone back to London and I haven’t heard from Hannah since I texted her yesterday. What should I do? Call her and tell her how let down and disappointed I’m feeling? Make myself a sandwich and try to eat it on my own? I’ve got to do it sometime. I’m just not ready yet. I’m not sure I can. I just hope she contacts me.

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I decided that rather than get into a state waiting to see if she was going to, I would give her a little nudge in the form of an “are you ok?” text. Whether or not she had intended to come became irrelevant – she did, and we had lunch. Sorted.

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I’m in a bit of a quandary. I’m nervous about getting weighed tomorrow. What happens if I haven’t gained as much weight this week? Maybe I should put it off until Wednesday. Although the week started off really well, the weekend wasn’t as good as it could have been. I really tried to stick to what I knew I had to do, but it was not wholly successful. But on the other hand, it might have been. That is the problem, I don’t know. Whereas I should be able to calculate what I have done and make a reasonable judgment as to how much I will have gained, I can’t. And it is my own fault for allowing myself to upset the routine. So do I stick to Tuesday weighing or do I give myself a day to get back into the swing of things?

Lizzie's diary, 15th February 2008

2008-02-19T03:17:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 15th February

I’m torn between liking having the energy to do more and wanting to do more, and hating the feelings of fatness. Everything feels tight and my face is all puffy. I know it is to be expected and I just have to put up with it. I just must not give in to the temptation to cut back and try to regain control of everything. Remember how bad it feels. This may not feel nice, but at least it is different – nothing worse that stagnating in familiar Stygian waters. Better the devil I don’t know in this case.

Lizzie's diary, 13th February 2008

2008-02-19T03:13:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 13th February

I wonder. Is it possible that I really am going to be able to get through this and lead a “normal” life? It’s a beautiful day – brilliant blue sky and sunshine. The sheep and horses are in the field and there’s a carpet of snowdrops in the garden. So to take my mind off dietary things, I walked into the village to post B’s Valentine’s card. I met a lovely lady who keeps chickens who gave me a couple of her eggs (her chicken’s eggs, obviously) “for my lunch”. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I wouldn’t be having them (egg sandwiches anyone? Brings back olfactory memories of school packed lunches and the embarrassment as you lifted the lid of your lunchbox and it was egg). But we will have them sometime. It was so…normal! That’s what people do. When I got back, I had a phone interview with “Moncrieff” of Ireland’s Newstalk radio. Despite predictable nerves, it was fine and he was lovely (with an accent to die for). I’ve asked them if they might make a donation to the charity so watch this space…
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Strange feelings. Saying goodbye to what I had become used to and trying to recognize whether these feelings are those of normality. I have to accept that these unfamiliar feeling have to be endured. I cannot know whether they are right or not, so I have no choice but to “sit with them” (ghastly expression, reminds me of Pinny of the Priory). Just get on with something else and perhaps the uncomfortable-ness of it all will go away. I know stuff happens during this gaining weight period, that my emotions will go haywire, that I’ll fight it, try to get out of it, feel huge, worry about how much and how quickly things are happening etc etc and as long as I recognize, acknowledge and accept that it is text book stuff, I can keep moving forward. I must not get hung up on it. Just sometimes I need to talk it through with someone who is not going to react with an eyeroll, a “typical ‘behaviour’” comment or with anger. So perhaps this diary is a good outlet for my deranged thoughts. No-one else is going to listen without prejudice. Whether or not it is “real”, I do feel full, fat etc etc – solid more than anything else and it is an uncomfortable alien feeling. But it is no worse than feeling detached, starved, empty, fractious and all the other things that restricting engenders. Or is it? Is this definitely the way I want to go?

Lizzie's diary, 12th February 2008

2008-02-12T02:34:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 12th February

Hallelujah!

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Thank heavens for that. A rise of 0.6kg to 37.7kg. What a relief – something to show for all the effort. Now will they all believe me? All I have to do now is resist the temptation to ease off. I need to do this every week.

What has surprised me most is how genuinely pleased I am.
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I think we could do with some advice on how to proceed. It would just be too predictable to let myself off the hook and not continue to gain. I am absolutely determined not to lose what I have worked so hard to gain, I mustn't slip backwards. But I am also, understandably, worried that this is too much to have put on in a week and will the weight just go up and up? Hannah is dead set on 3 meals, 3 snacks and 2 Clinutren but that is too much. The most I have managed so far is meals plus 2 Clinutren and 2 snacks but that was just for one day. Going on what Nicky said yesterday, I should be on 2000 calories which pretty much equates to what I feel is achievable and tolerable - meals plus 2 Clinutren and 1 snack (or 1 Clinutren and 2 snacks). Then we can see if that will give us a regular pound per week gain, if not, add another snack. I cannot risk panicking now. I have to do this again next week or i will lose any credibility I have managed to scrape up.

Weigh-in results

2008-02-12T02:10:00.000-08:00

At long last...

A GAIN OF 0.6 kg or 1.3 lbs

We are currently dancing a ceremonial jig of joy! Quite ungainly but who cares? It would appear that we have finally begun to get the measure of this. After this week we have a little more understanding of what sort of amounts, calorie-wise, must be consumed. And the real battle will be overcoming the mental hurdle to not just maintain, but gain again next week.

Yesterday's visit to Cotswold House has hopefully given Lizzie even more incentive to stick at this. Much as the work that the staff do there and the care that is provided is second to none, let's face it - it doesn't match up to lunch out on the deck at home! Our target is to gain a minimum of 1 lb per week. That's half what would be expected in hospital so it's certainly achievable. Let's hope the motivation remains... the physical task of eating will only get easier so it's purely a battle of wills between Lizzie and the gremlin.

To receive updates of recent posts please e-mail hannah@hannahshergold.com and ask to be added to the mailing list. If you would like to sponsor Lizzie please read the November post entitled 'The Donation System' and follow the instructions.

To all you lovely sponsors... hold your horses!! The deal was that any pounds gained had to be maintained for at least a week before they counted as a proper gain, so keep those comments of encouragement rolling in. Fingers crossed it's beginning to work!

Lizzie's diary, 11th February 2008

2008-02-12T01:51:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 11th February

I really, really do not want to go to this appointment at Cotswold House but I know I need to, if only to remind myself what I am trying to avoid. Hannah has said she will come with me, although why I should inflict it on her, God only knows. I don't really know how to approach it. Maybe I should stop thinking about it and winding myself up and just get on with something else. Like what? Eating? (again already)

This is not going well, my stomach is doing somersaults. I've dosed up on the RR but it doesn't seem to be working. Bloody homeopathic crap. Where's the real stuff? Despite having to eat it earlier than either of us wanted, Barry and I had a dejeuner sur l'herbe (somehow a cheese sandwich out on the deck doesn't have the same ring to it) and it was lovely. Sun shining, just talking. And it was really, like, normal.

Well we went [to Cotswold House] and I don't know what to say really. I get the feeling Hannah has had enough, which is slightly demoralising. I know I can't expect her to be optimistic whatever, but I am starting to feel like she is doing it slightly grudgingly. Which is not to say I blame her. She must feel pretty fed up herself - as though she is the only one who really wants it, and that I am not fully committed. But I am. I have to be now. And I think one thing that has come out of today is that I need to get a wiggle on, dragging it out is going to make it more painful for all involved. If I've got to go through feeling like this (and I do, whether it is here or in hospital) I may as well force myself to feel a bit worse. Is adding two more snacks together going to be worse than one this week and one the next? It is not going to be easier waiting until I am used to it - I probably never will be. Someone likened it to ripping off a plaster. Do you ever remember it being less painful if you picked it off gradually? But we are not really going to know anything until we see what the scales say tomorrow.

Nikky (Boughton) emphasised that at a BMI of 13, it was nigh on impossible to gain weight as an outpatient and I can understand why. Even if one does manage to gain a decent amount one week, how do you continue to gain and prevent yourself panicking? Also as an outpatient there are too many opportunities to slip into old bad habits. So it is not going to work if I am not 100% committed, if I feel I have the option of bargaining, if I feel I have a choice. I don't. Either I do it completely or I don't. I cannot afford myself the luxury of choice. I have to stick to this regime, to Hannah's regime, unequivocally. I have to trust in her and do as she says. No question. The less I fight, the quicker and easier it will. Shut up and eat up. I'd have to if I was in there.

Lizzie's diary, 9th February 2008

2008-02-12T01:47:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 9th February

"It seems to me that our 3 basic needs, for food and security and love, are so mixed and mingled and entwined that we cannot straightly think of one without the others. So it happens that when I write of hunger, I am really writing about love and the hunger for it, and warmth and the love of it and the hunger for it; and then the warmth and richness and fine reality of hunger satisfied; and it is all one." (M. F. K. Fisher)

I do not like this feeling at all. I need to be able to talk it through with someone. I hate feeling full, it troubles me but I have no idea why. I know it is the right thing but it is very hard to cope with on your own. There is no-one I can talk to about it. Hannah's attitude (understandably) is just f*****g do it. I can sense the eye roll when I tell her how full I am, that I can't eat any more, that I feel sick, fat, whatever. And yes, it does sound psychotic sometimes. But this is an illness and although I am trying to get through it, I'm finding it hard to unravel all these knotted skeins of neuroses alone. I think I need to be talking to someone while I gain the weight. How do I stop myself panicking. How do I know when it is enough. How do I trust that what Hannah tells me I should be eating is right? Of course it is predictable that I will think it is too much, but what if it really is and totally unreasonable? I just about managed yesterday's quotient (less 1 snack) but I am not doing quite so well today. H said I'd better get on with it or I'll never get through it by bedtime. True, but doesn't really help on the angst front. I've had to invest in some Rescue Remedy (although I'd probably do just as well with an aliquot of Calvados) to try to calm myself down. But I still feel like a bloody munchkin. Pilsbury doughman. With currants for eyes. Will I ever feel hungry again?

There is a Hawaiian saying that you shouldn't eat until you are full but eat until you are tired. Well I'm tired now. Jaw ache. I've hit a bit of a brick wall in terms of capacity today. Which is a shame, because yesterday was really good. But I couldn't cram any more in today, so am two snacks down. I just had to let it filter down a bit. I don't know whether it was panic, physical satiation or a bit of both but I had to ease off a touch. Still, I've done really well on the meals and Clinutren so it is not all doom and gloom.

Lizzie's diary, 8th February 2008

2008-02-12T01:46:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 8th February

This is it, no more increases. No more until we know how this is working. I can't keep eating more and more. Every day Hannah tries to introduce yet another snack, but this is where I draw the line. Let me get used to this for now.

Lizzie's diary, 6th February 2008

2008-02-08T08:43:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 6th February

Today has got to be the day I do something. I have to. I can't have another day like yesterday. Anything is going to be better than that chasm of despair I found myself in. Please try it. For Hannah, for the hospice, for your friends, for Mim, for Barry. For yourself. Stop thinking and start doing. And try to keep breathing, it helps.

Why do i just want to scream? I'm like a raving lunatic sometimes. Irrational, illogical, irascible and irritable. Or like Regan O'Neill. Now undo the straps.

Why do I want to fight what is good for me? I was determined today was going to be pivotal and it is. Testament to that is that at the time of writing, I am sipping Clinutren Number 2 (Grapefruit flavour since you ask) No half measures. If nothing changes this week, it's not going to. Yes I'll kick and scream at every new mountain of food I have to scale (although it would be easier for all involved if I got on with it quietly). I will feel better but I'm bound to feel worse first. There is no other way out. I've burnt my bridges now I've got to lie in them.

There, as if by magic, the Clinutren is finished. Mind over matter. My face feels like it is burning up - cheeks have gone all pink. This will pass. Keep breathing, it's ok. Makes a change, feeling too hot. I don't like it though. I thought these things were supposed to be easily assimilated. Could have fooled me.

There have been a few comments about the lack of weight gain and the pros and cons of hospital admission. All of them helpful especially from those who have been through this either themselves or with a daughter. Obviously Hannah and I have discussed it and know that if nothing changes this week she is throwing in the towel and I'll admit defeat. I have to remind myself that defeat isn't the worst of failures, the true failure is not to have tried. And have we tried! And I'm still trying (yes, I know, very trying. Ha ha) But failure can be turned into success if you learn from it. Picasso said that action is the foundational key to all success, so its a good job I have started doing something.

I found myself asking myself why I was scared of enjoying my dinner. It was actually quite nice for a change (I have developed a habit of ruining whatever I make and then having to force myself to eat it, however dried out & desiccated it has become). But rather than enjoying it, I almost had to invent ways not to. Bizarre. I gave myself a good talking to (first sign of madness, talking to yourself. Muttering) and forced myself to return to the feelings of 'yes - this tastes nice'. Plus it's good for you, it's the right thing to do etc. etc. And I got on with it. Was I worried by the fact that, 2 Clinutrens down, I should be too full to merit enjoyment - I shouldn't be "hungry" for more. Or if I finish it I will be so full. It's not that hard so stop making it. The Clinutren did go down. You didn't cease digesting - the feeling did wear off. And you've really achieved something today. Don't spoil it now. And don't you dare be tempted to not do the same tomorrow.

Lizzie's diary, 5th February 2008

2008-02-08T08:41:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 5th February
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Today is going to go down as an all time low. However bad you think you're going to feel, it can't be as bad as this. Do something.
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'If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.' Maya Angelou.

Lizzie's diary, 5th February 2008

2008-02-05T03:04:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 5th February

I was right, I hadn't done enough. My weight was exactly the same. Boring. As Barry quite rightly said - people are just going to lose interest. Actually, I'm losing interest, got to do something dramatic this week or I'll be accused of procrastinating again.

"It is the unknown that excites the ardour of scholars, who, in the known alone, would shrivel up with boredome" Wallace Stevens.

Mim is right - I look ghastly. My face, which had always belied the fact that the rest of me is emaciated, is starting to look haggard. My eyes are sunken and embedded dark circles, and my mouth looks too big. Garry once said he thought I'd "had some work done". No - if the rest of your head resembles something from the Jivaro Clan, it's inevitable your features appear out of proportion. I need to do something, and fast. Carpe diem and all that.

Lizzie's diary, 4th February 2008

2008-02-05T03:00:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 4th February

Maybe I should concentrate on the positives. The trouble is, that if I do I'm in danger of kidding myself that I'm doing alright and I'm not sure I am. I haven't done enough this week. I've failed on the Clinutren front and have done nothing to make up for that. I've disappointed myself and I think Hannah must be a bit pee-ed off. There I go again - started off wanting to write about positives and instead I've gone on about what I haven't done.

Perhaps that is because there hasn't been much progress this week. Although there has - I know I keep harking back to lunch, but I am really chuffed. I'm pleasantly surprised by how quickly my body has accommodated it. I actually found myself quite enjoying it today. Barry was ever so sweet and volunteered to buy fresh bread (along with milk - but more of that anon) so we had rather yummy smoked salmon sandwiches together. A slight change from him having to sit opposite me eating a braeburn cut into eighths for months on end. This week I'm going to try having a milky drink before I go to bed which is something we had to do in the Priory. It's an obvious thing to do (shame I hate milk) - not only does it have a chance to reach those places it needs to without being burned off, it has the added bonus of inducing a honey-heavy dew of slumber.

During my incarceration I patented "Chorlicks" - a carefully guarded secret blend of hot chocolate and horlicks. (Another of my inventions was "flutter" which was immediately banned as behavioural. Which led me to question of where one draws the line between preference and behaviour. I disliked their slightly rancid tasting individual pats of salted butter and found the prescribed volume of flora rather copious. By using half of each I got the lesser of the two evils. But despite them being equivalent in terms of calories, I was not allowed to have it. It nearly led to my discharge. Ok, looking back, it does seem pretty bonkers, but it mattered at the time. Maybe you had to be there.)

Anyway back to Chorlicks. I'm just a bit worried that I'll still be too full after dinner, but I guess there's a pretty simple solution - eat earlier (durr). It'll feel uncomfortable for a bit, but whats a bit of discomfort in the grand scheme of things?

Lizzie's diary, 2nd February 2008

2008-02-05T02:55:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 2nd February

I have this strange dichotomy. Part of me wants more care, part wants less. Part of me can't understand how little he wants to know about what is going on and part of me totally understands it. But unfortunately this is going on and until it is endured and resolved, it is not just going to disappear. However much we pretend, however long we go and play games, it's still here until we make it go away. I cannot get away from the fact that I have to eat more, I have to tolerate the feeling of eating more than I want, of having to finish everything and have dessert. I'm scared that I'm still tempted to duck out and not have what I probably should. I know how much I should be eating, I'm not stupid. Just scared. I'm scared of completely committing and scared of not committing. If I don't go the whole hog (oink) then I'm just prolonging it. And if I do commit? Then what? What exactly is it that scares me? Is it as simple as fear of the unknown? And why is that worse than the known? Try it, you might like it. And if you don't, don't keep doing it. Oh I don't know.

If I'm functioning at this weight, do I really need to change? I need to really think about my motivation. Familiarity breeds contempt. No that's not the simile I'm looking for. Maybe familiarity breeds complacency. Well, something is making me think that perhaps I can exist at this weight. But that's all it is, Lizzie. Existing. Not living. I need another kick up the bony backside because I'm in real danger of re-calibrating my normality gauge.

Lizzie's diary, 31st January 2008

2008-02-01T19:24:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 31st January

Over lunch to day Hannah asked me what my motivation was at the moment. Is it to get better or to stay out of hospital? That's a very good question and has got me thinking about my mindset over the past week or so. I think I had become focused on the deadline we had set ourselves and lost sight of the long-term goal and what it is that I really want from this. Which is to return to a normal life with a normal healthy attitude towards food and weight. Although I am learning that the range of what might be considered "normal" is far broader that I initially thought. Obviously I want to stay out of hospital but that must not be my sole aim. I can't live my life on the edge, constantly staving off disaster. I need to find a weight at which I am happy, but also one that allows me to lose a pound or two without initiating another crisis. What that weight is, only time will tell, and I have a feeling that my attitude will change as the weight comes on, and that I will become more acquiescent. At least I hope so. At the moment, 1.5 stone seems an enormous amount to gain. And 7 stone 4 feels an awful long way off.

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We are conducting an experiment with the Clinutren in an attempt to make it more palatable. So we are trying orange sorbet and vanilla ice-cream. Could be the next big thing. Perhaps we could have a cappucino of Clinutren or a Clinutren "foam".

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I am SO cold. Just shivering. I thought eating was supposed to warm you up but I get terribly, terribly cold. I mean I've just had a hot dinner - salmon, potatoes and brocolli and I'm sitting here under a throw with my thermals and cashmere bedsocks, sporting a rather fetching pair of blue lips, a frostbitten nose and suffering from icecream head. I don't think I'll be sampling the sorbet tonight.

Lizzie's diary, 30th January 2008

2008-02-01T19:20:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 30th January

Why do I manage to make a hash of everything, I manage to do and say just the wrong thing, when things are going right. When I think I can relax and get on with a situation , I'm wrong. When I think I can rely on someone, I can't. I mustn't say what I feel without it being judged - I have to remember to engage brain before opening mouth. But then it is my choice to expose myself in this way so I have to accept that my immediate reactions are not going to be palatable to everyone, particularly not to me. If I can read back on them and condemn them, feel ashamed and wish they could be unsaid/unfelt/unthought, then it is hardly surprising that others would be more judgemental. So what should I do? Should I pretend that I don't feel like that? Then I would be fake and a hypocrite. Which is worse? I just need to accept that it is normal, real and human. Not necessarily nice and certainly not an attractive quality and one of which I am proud. But real. And all I can do is acknowledge it, try not to do it again and move on. And quit festering.

Lizzie's diary, 29th January 2008

2008-02-01T19:17:00.001-08:00

Diary entry: 29th January

I hate Tuesdays. The day to take stock and plan for the week ahead. I had to be honest with Hannah regarding the past week's Clinutren intake and admit that I had never realised the goal of 1.5 per day. She has also, quite rightly, questioned dinner portions. Her idea of a salmon fillet is rather different from mine. Last night she bought me a couple of pieces from the fishman. God knows what steroids this fish had been on but they were HUGE. So we subjected them to a weighing "sesh" (why should I be the only one to have to endure it) and the scales fell from my eyes. My idea of normal is evidently pretty skewed so I am going to have to resort to weighing things to ensure I am getting as much as I think I am. A further reality check came in the form of the humble potato which (Hannah pointed out) like man, was not meant to dwell alone. But I appreciate the potato only as a protection against famine, except for that, I know of nothing more eminently tasteless.

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“How much cheese is a handful? How much more or less is a cupful? What is the capacity of a glass, a tumbler, or a soup ladle? What is the difference between a suspicion and a pinch? How much more is a good pinch? How much wine is a little, how many olives a few? When a book says a tin of chopped almonds or pomegranate juice what are you supposed to understand by that?” (Elizabeth David)

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But seriously, I do have a real problem with portion control. Is it never more than you can lift or no bigger than your head?

Lizzie's diary, 29th January 2008

2008-01-30T15:40:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 29th January

"Beware of people who don't eat; in general they are envious, foolish or nasty. Abstinence is an anti-social virtue" (Grimod de la Reyniere)

I am thoroughly ashamed. I cannot believe I am such a bitch. I should never have thought, let alone written then posted those things about Hannah. How can I (almost literally) bite the hand that's feeding me? Sally is right, she doesn't deserve this. Horrid, ungrateful, ungracious, unappreciative, evil girl. I would not blame her for giving up on this, I just hope she doesn't. I have to remind myself that she is doing this for nothing and with no training. The least she should expect in return is my gratitude. She is giving me so much of her time - and for what? For my anorexic vituperative acerbity? Perhaps it would make it simpler if I was paying her. Not that that would give me an excuse to behave like that again, no money would make that acceptable. But it could provide some recompense for the time I am taking from her real work.

I do need to explain to her why I reacted as I did. It is so hard to choose anything at the moment and it is just awful to be in a shop presented by shelf upon shelf of bread - all I want to do (as has happened on too many occasions) is drop my basket and run. I hate it. I just panic - it is easier to not buy anything at all. It is unfathomable and as I write this, even I can't think why it is so hard. But it is just an awful awful feeling. Like asking an alcoholic to go into an off-license and buy a bottle of fizzy water. It is totally irrational but it happens. And I guess in a way this is one shortcoming of this approach - I do have to buy and prepare my food. In a hospital situation all I would have to do is walk into the dining room, eat what is put in front of me and walk out again. I would also be able to vent my lunatic ravings to a nurse who was being paid to take my crap and could walk away from it at the end of the day. But I know which approach I want to take. So I had better start learning by my mistakes. I may not be able to control my emotions, but at least I can try to make them more palatable to those people about whom I care most.

Lizzie's diary, 29th January 2008

2008-01-29T07:33:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 29th January
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This is getting mighty boring - up by 0.1kg to 37kg. I guess with the funny tummy taken into consideration that's ok, but I could do with a big gain now. All the talking in the world is not going to make me better and the weight needs to go up now big time.

Lizzie's diary, 28th January 2008

2008-01-29T07:29:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 28th January
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I'm rather worried by the fact that I've spent most of this morning on the loo. I do hope it wasn't the chicken sandwich. Can't have been, no-one else has had any ill-effects and surely it would have been quicker than that. Nor can I believe it is the Clinutren, and dinner last night was totally risk-free (no shellfish...). I'm very aware that this could affect tomorrow's weighing and that we are fast approaching the end of month deadline. Perhaps we should hold off judgement day until next Tuesday instead. Good idea - gives me a few extra days. I am also very aware that people will immediately think laxatives so perhaps I shouldn't mention this. And it might not have affected it anyway so I'll defer judgement until I see what the scales say tomorrow.
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Over the weekend, Barry asked if I had Googled "Lizzie Grimaldi". Well, no, I hadn't, but when I did I was surprised to say the least. One thing I came across was a "forum" on an eating disorders support site. Basically a discussion between "carers" of people with eating disorders. It was very interesting and I found myself agreeing with practically everything they said. One ("Sheepie") picked up on the fact that I was exhibiting typically eating-disordered thoughts (no shit Sherlock) such as picking up on the typo in the Telegraph article saying I was a stone heavier than I am. I wish I could shake off all these anorexic traits, but unfortunately I have mislaid my magic wand. They still rear their ugly heads with frightening regularity and no doubt will continue to do so until I have gained a substantial amount of weight. The best thing I can hope to do at the moment is smother them but all too often they're too strong for me to suppress. What I have to remember is that these people are going through a similar but very different type of hell. They have to believe that their approach to their daughters (or wives, girlfriends, sons, whatever) illness is right and they are perfectly entitled to their opinions, however unfounded and uninformed they may be. After all, they don't know me or my situation and from the outside it does look unconventional and "a starting point for disaster". But I have made such progress and I cannot let anyone or anything detract from that. If this is the right thing for me, then great. I'm not saying its for everyone. Until we have unravelled the secrets encoded by out DNA, there is no way anyone can prescribe a cure-all for any disease - let alone one so multifactorial as this.

Lizzie's diary, 26th January 2008

2008-01-29T07:27:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 26th January
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I need to write something about what's been happening but I don't really know what. Suffice to say it's better than it was. Things sort of came to a head, burst and we're gradually clearing up the pus. I can't pretend it didn't happen, but in time no doubt I'll forget a bit and things won't seem so raw. I hope we won't just slip back into bad habits, but I'm going to work at preventing that happening. I really hope Barry is not going to assume we can carry on as "normal". He needs to change too - in the way that he deals with this problem. Even if I do have to go into hospital (God forbid) until such time I need his total support in the approach that I'm taking. And I have to tell him what form that support needs to take - in one word of preferably less than one syllable. He cannot know instinctively when to "interfere" and when to butt out, but he'll learn. And it won't be forever. It will get easier.
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Lunch today was a first and although it felt slightly contrived, we did it and next time will be easier. It is so much more manageable than it was this time last week - it's amazing how you body can get used to things (I've got to keep telling myself this. I'm really struggling with the Clinutren though. I hate to admit it, but I'll use every excuse not to take it. Not sure why, apart from the fact it tastes gross, makes me feel sick and fills me up too much...

Lizzie's diary, 25th January 2008

2008-01-29T07:24:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 25th January
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The rantings of Lizzie...
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I must admit I am getting pissed off with the lunch thing. What started off as "Right Lizzie - here's your lunch" has turned into me phoning Hannah to remind her we are out of bread followed by my trailing into Tescos to buy some (oh and while you are there, could you get...) I thought the whole point was to help me avoid having to choose the bloody stuff, prepare it and then eat the f****** cheese sandwich. I refuse to eat yet another stale doorstep so what is the alternative? Yeah maybe I haven't got anything else to do but I sure could find plenty rather that have to shop again. Why the hell couldn't she have thought of getting it. I know it's my problem and I've got to deal with it, but this ain't fair. What's the difference? And yes, I am cross, very cross, however unreasonable, it's how I feel.

Lizzie's diary, 25th January 2008

2008-01-29T07:22:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 25th January
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I can't just roll over. Curl up in a ball and die. I have to get through it and prove that against all odds it can be done. I cannot continue with this demi-life, this partial existence. There is so much more. There must be so much more. The comment from Ruth on the blog was wonderful - truly inspirational. I have to believe her. Actually, we've been really lucky with the response we have had (apart from a couple of anonymous ones questioning our responsibility. But we are not advocating this approach for everyone and yes, perhaps 7 stone 4 is sill underweight but its an achievable goal for me and is a darn sight healthier than 5 stone 11). I need to focus on the positive and ignore their negativistic attitudes and opinions. I have to surround myself with people who believe in this otherwise I'll go under. I really felt like giving up last night and admit, I didn't have the Clinutren but I think I'm back on track today. Not drowning, wavering.
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I'm not sure why that pissed me off to such an extent. Towards the end of my conversation with Mim, she questioned why I had to have cheese sandwiches (good question) and wanted to make alternative suggestions. Yeah well, if she wants to come over and make me something else, fine. But for now I'd rather not have to think and just get on and do it. It doesn't have to be 3 Michelin starred perfection. It's just lunch.
“Square meals, not adventurous ones, are what you should seek.”
Bryan Miller (NY Times Restaurant Critic)
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I felt rotten afterwards and had to phone her back to apologise for being snappish.
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I can't expect everyone to say the right thing - it's not deliberately done to upset me, it's just unthinking. I'm sure I say some really hurtful things completely unintentionally. And I am still supersensitive. My buffer zone is very small and I am too quick to overreact. I mustn't take thins so personally - it's not all about me. And I mustn't fixate on tiny minutiae. My concentration on little things blows them out of all proportion. Forget it. Gloss over it and it will disappear.

Lizzie's diary, 24th January 2008

2008-01-29T07:19:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 24th January
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I guess its to much to ask that I might have had a run of more than 2 good days. I've felt like absolute s*** yesterday and today. Hang on a minute. That's the good thing about writing a diary - you can look back on things and see how you felt. And yes, a month ago almost to the day I felt the same. Who said I didn't have hormones? Feel better now I've identified the root of all this evil. Why am I bothering to do this? I'm not getting anywhere. I can't keep hoping against hope that things will change. I've got to change them myself or stand still. I can't control other people's behaviour. Get over it.

Lizzie's diary, 23rd January 2008

2008-01-29T07:17:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 23rd January
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Bleugh. Clinutren. Gross

Huge thank-yous!!!

2008-01-29T02:58:00.000-08:00

We'd both like to say a huge thank-you to everyone who has been in touch since our post last Thursday and also to the new sponsors who have jumped on board. The response was pretty amazing, and even the e-mails from people who perhaps don't agree with this method made for very interesting and worthy reading.

Here are some snippets:

"I think if Lizzie is able to put on weight without being in hospital then that is definitely the best way, as obviously being in hospital has not cured her before, and I think at this stage it is unlikely ever to. I agree that Lizzie needs to be able to learn to eat normally in a natural environment, if she is kept alive just by people forcing her to eat then that is no way to live! ... I would also add, Lizzie should never let anyone 'write her off'. Yes, she has a disease, and to some extent it will always be there, but that doesn't mean it can't be controlled, and there is no evidence that hospitisation works as a long-term cure for adult anorexics, so good on you for trying this. ... It brings some peace to just accept that you have an illness and to learn to live with it rather than fighting it."

Mary

"You mentioned you don't know of anyone who's done it this way....well I DID! I still struggle a bit, more so at some times, but the point is that I managed to get my weight from a dangerous 5 stone sort of level, back up to about 7. Exactly what you are trying to do. It wasn't easy. I had to implement the sort of routine I'd had in the priory and other hospitals...with meal plans, calorie amounts, supplements when necessary, plus pretty strict supervision at times. But it was so much more pleasant than feeling locked away and abandoned in a hospital. I could still enjoy the freedom of fresh air when I wanted it, I didn't have to wait for small windows of limited time in which to see or contact friends. You know the story...I just wanted you both to know that what you are doing has been done successfully before. I fought and fought being taken back into hospital, and I realised that I could use the stubborn strong-willed determined perfectionism and control that had driven me so low, to prove to people that I didn't need hospital and tubes.I hope you can do it. If you can't, you must also realise that is NOT failure, but the nature of the disease getting the upper hand. It's how it is."

Ruth

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"Like my own daughter you are such a lovely young women and whilst a sponsored eat for such a worthy cause (I live in Berkhamsted and know the Hospice well) is commendable, I do urge if you, are not having any at the moment, to seek treatment as well."

Sue

We came across a forum this week for parents of children with eating disorders and found the 'this is unbelievable' post very interesting indeed. In general, the 'posters' were not too convinced about this challenge, and understandably I think. But then having pondered a little I think there are huge similarities between your approach and ours. I Googled the 'Maudsley' approach to anorexia treatment as the founder of the forum says she is a huge supporter. I understand that it is a family/home-based method of treatment that focuses on putting the weight on as number one priority, which is essentially what we're trying to do here. However, you have a number of advantages over us...

Firstly, in the webpage I found it specifically says that the Maudsley approach is not recommended for over 18s. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that you rely on sanctions and consequences if your child does not comply with the eating regime. We do not have this tool, and so we've tried to create our own: guilt and embarrassment! If Lizzie doesn't gain the weight, she's got to tell people about it, and she's got to live with the fact that the Hospice of St. Francis is not getting any cash!

Secondly (and somebody mentioned this in the forum), as Lizzie is an adult, if she goes to hospital she has the ability to decide for herself, once she reaches a certain weight, whether to continue in hospital or to return home, a choice that your children would not have until they reach the target weight set for them by doctors. And it is not as though she hasn't tried the hospital route before. 'Been there, done that, got the t-shirt'... and within 6 months the t-shirt was 2 sizes too big once again, all the weight (and more) having dropped straight back off.

The advantage (?) of this approach is that it is a struggle to get going! Lizzie just ain't gonna want to go through this again. It isn't a quick-fix, it's harder than hospital in some ways because there ARE certain choices to be made, but at the end of the day, she'll be learning how to deal with this disease as an independent, self-sufficient adult without having to flit in and out of hospital once a year.

As always, whether you agree or not we would love to hear from anybody on this forum to hear your views.

If you would like to be added to the mailing list and be notified of new posts, or if you would like to get in touch without posting a comment, please e-mail hannah@hannahshergold.com or telephone Hannah on 07729 219590.

As always, your comments are simply invaluable so please keep them coming and do pass on the details of the blog to anybody that you think may be interested.

Hannah

Weigh-in results

2008-01-29T02:42:00.000-08:00

Wait for it....
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A GAIN of 0.1 kg!!

Now, many of you will be thinking that it's not much to put on in a week but look at it this way: This is the third week in a row that Lizzie has not lost any weight, and two of those weeks have been small gains... we're getting there, slowly but surely!

To update you on the eating progress this week. Lizzie has now well and truly incorporated lunch into her day for a whole fortnight now. We eat together during the week and Barry is taking the reins (and the spurs and whip!) at the weekends. She's gone from eating nothing at lunchtime to eating a cheese sandwich and a half (crusts off) on wholegrain bread. She's also added 1 Clinutren per day to the regime this week which is another 300 calories. To be honest, alongside her breakfast and dinner which seem to be more stable than lunch was, we were both a little surprised that the gain wasn't a little more convincing, but there you go. At least it's heading in the right direction.

This week... Tuesday to Friday will be 1.5 Clinutren per day, going up to 2 Saturday to Monday, then it's weigh-in on Tuesday. So we'll see how the gremlin copes with that this week!!

The ponderings of Lizzie and Hannah

2008-01-24T07:23:00.000-08:00

Dear all, (and this is particularly addressed to a couple of the anonymous 'commenters'),
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We were a little vexed on Monday to see a couple of the comments posted after the Telegraph article was released. There were a couple of people that think that what Lizzie is doing is 'wrong' and that she is 'sending out a bad message'. Of course everybody is entitled to their own opinion about this challenge and in fact we think it's good for us to know that the support for it is not 100% positive, so we'd like to hear more from those people.
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Would it be possible for you to e-mail hannah@hannahshergold.com and expand a little on what you said in your comments. We'd like to know what your own situation is, whether you yourself are anorexic and if so, whether you are in hospital. Why do you not think that anybody can attempt to tackle this disease without hospital? Obviously it's a method that hasn't been tried before as far as we know and so yes, it is unproven, but is it not worth trying everything possible to try and gain an understanding of recovery based at home rather than in the false environment of hospital?
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That's the rationale behind what we're trying to do really. It may not work, and even if it does work, it wouldn't necessarily work for everyone. We're trying to make the most of Lizzie's 'traits' - high achiever, hates failing tasks in front of people, can excel at challenges laid in front of her etc. - and use them in the most productive way possible.
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Please get in touch. We genuinely would love to hear from you to hear the other opinions that may be floating about out there. Your e-mails will remain anonymous if you ask for them to be but we may summarize what you put forward and put it in the blog for everyone to have a gander.
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Thanks all, looking forward to hearing from you.
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Hannah and Lizzie

Note from Hannah

2008-01-22T03:52:00.000-08:00

News in Brief

Weigh in results: NO CHANGE (more about this below)

Sponsorship update: Thank-you to everyone that has been in touch about sponsoring Lizzie this week. As you can imagine I've been inundated with e-mails and phone calls since the article in the Telegraph yesterday and I just can't reply to all of them but please know that we really appreciate all your support.

For information on how to pledge money for the challenge via the Pounds for Pounds system please take a look at the following post:

http://pounds4pounds.blogspot.com/2007/11/donation-system.html

So... no change in weight eh? Not good enough I'm afraid, and Lizzie's well aware of that. She put up a lot of resistance to starting on the Clinutren this week, I think because she wanted to see what the extra cheese sandwiches and larger portions for dinner would do. Fair enough... but now we've seen that they just ain't doing enough!! So this week I'm afraid it's Hannah's way or hospital. There is now no choice available to Lizzie. Minimum of two Clinutren per day on top of what she's managing to eat. At the end of the day, they're just drinks, and if she can manage to have 2 large glasses of water with lunch and dinner then she can manage one 200ml drink with each meal.

Tough love this week. We'll keep you posted!

Lizzie's diary, 22nd January 2008

2008-01-22T03:51:00.001-08:00

Diary entry: 22nd January
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Well I'm confounded. Or as the nurse put it - "you look shell-shocked". I was so convinced I had gained a decent amount that I couldn't understand it when the scales said exactly the same as last week. To the last gram. Bugger bugger bugger.
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Clinutren it is then.

Lizzie's diary, 21st January 2008

2008-01-22T03:47:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 21st January

So. Christa's piece in the Telegraph. Not exactly as I would have wished - for a start she didn't put a link to the weblog nor did she mention Hannah. Then there was a typo which put my weight at 6 stone 11 (despite the headline of "...when I hit 5 stone...") - as H said, if that was the case, we (and the hospice) would be laughing. Still, you can't control the press and it could have been worse. We've had a response already - interest from BBC radio and Grazia magazine (I'll probably pass on the former and do the latter) not to mention several new sponsors.

I got myself into a silly tizz this morning, partly over the article and partly over B. I woke up in the middle of the night panicking that he could be lying in a pool of blood in the flat. How would I know? So stomach had gone into turmoil and I had to spurn Hannah's request to take her over to Bicester when there is nothing I would have liked to do more. She must think I'm a really ungrateful, self-centred cow. And she'd probably be right. I need to make the most of this time - weigh-day tomorrow and I'm anticipating a decent hike-up. I've made real headway this week and can feel and see the improvement. Getting bloody sick of cheese sandwiches though.

Lizzie's diary, 20th January 2008

2008-01-22T03:42:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 20th January

Better day today but not sure why. Maybe the food is finally getting through to the right places. Did a hell of a lot more of the Times crossword which must be a good sign. Spent most of the day (in between eating) in the barn doing 'Art Therapy' with Hannah. Made a tree frog instead of an anger monster and very therapeutic it was too.

Lizzie's diary, 19th January 2008

2008-01-22T03:37:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 19th January

I feel really low. Don't know why. I can't blame it on lack of food either. I just feel deflated. Flat. I also feel really sick. I tried to drink some Clinutren last night and I think that is what has caused it. I did manage breakfast but the thought of lunch is turning my stomach. Helped Hannah tidy her studio to take my mind off things and then went for a walk in the rain. There is definitely an air of inspissated gloom hanging over today - it hasn't even got light yet. Please tell me things will get better. Or perhaps I should just try to enjoy being sad à la Rubinstein.

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What a hideous day. Almost turned against Hannah and was unnecessarily and inexcusably rude to her - and instantly regretted it. But I just needed to lash out and she had the bad fortune to be here. Why do I want to fight everyone who tries to help me? I want to run away but I can't. I've got to get through this. No-one said it was going to be easy but I have to keep reminding myself that it would be a hell of a lot harder in hospital. I have to remind myself just how bad it was in the Priory - how stuffed and sick and fat I felt. At least here the food is healthy and washed down with a nice Pinot Noir. Can't bring myself to write anything else even though I probably should. Please go away now, I've had enough.

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I feel like a real shit. I just need to be on my own tonight. I should be having Hannah over for dinner but have had to ask her to 'give me my space' and leave me alone. How can I be horrid to her when she is doing so much for me? Actually she probably sees it as a blessed relief - can't think of much worse than spending the evening with me. Shame I've got to. I know everything she is telling me is right - that we are running out of time and I have to start taking the Clinutren now. It just feels too much. I haven't had time to get used to eating so much yet and she is trying to introduce build-up drinks already. I need to see the results of eating more first - I think she is going to be surprised how quickly I gain weight.

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I've realised this Clinutren thing is having an adverse effect on this. I'm getting myself in a state unnecessarily. I'm not going to start taking it yet and just get on with the matter in hand - eating proper food normally. There. Phew.

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Struggled big time with dinner despite not having the threat of Clinutren, but I got there in the end. This will get easier, I'll start to feel hungry again, start to enjoy food. It will become less of an 'issue', less of a big deal. I need to peel away and discard all the crap that I have swaddled eating in. It's not that hard so stop making it.

Lizzie's diary, 17th January 2008

2008-01-22T03:28:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 17th January

Scary. I couldn't write anything this morning because a) I couldn't remember where I'd left the pen and b) I couldn't bring myself to write in any other colour. Anyway, as you can see, I found it (same place as I'd left my marbles) so I'd better write something.

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I seem to have hit a bit of a brick wall capacity-wise. I need to find something to take my mind off how full I feel. Why can't I digest things better? I suppose it'll take time - I need to retrain my system to accept more food. I just want to keep brushing my teeth to take the taste away. I guess I might have a wheat intolerance (let's face it, I've got a food intolerance) but I'm going to have to put up with it (unless I fancy going down the wheat-free, gluten-free, taste-free route). I can't believe Cotswold House would indulge allergies. 3 dislikes was all we were allowed. Let me see now... 1) food 2) food 3) food. The sword of Clinutren hovering over me is not aiding digestion either - Hannah is insisting I have one today but I'm not ready. I'm still getting used to the extra meals.

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I needed to get away from things, so I treated myself to a massage at Daylesford which, despite being the embodiment of everything I hate about pseudo-country living, does give amazingly good treatments. I have got to make sure I nourish myself in other ways than just with food. Look after myself and do things that I like doing. On the way back from being pummelled to within an inch of my life, the man from the Telegraph rang - apparently the story is due to go in on Monday. He thinks it is "heart-breaking" which makes me feel like a very sad little person.

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Went out for dinner with Hannah, Dorcas & Nikky which was a first. Hannah was understandably slightly cautious and established that I didn't need my hand held throughout. I had to try to reassure her - after all, eating out is as "normal" for Barry and me as eating in. And in some ways, eating out is easier - after all I don't have to think about making it or portioning it (or washing up). Anyway, it was fine although I did feel (or imagine) her eyes on me which made half of me want to keep ploughing on, and the other half stop. Afterwards she told me she thought it had gone well. Not really - not compared to how it could have gone. But the first time doing anything is going to be slightly awkward - after all, they have no idea how much I normally eat in the evening. I think they might be surprised by what I do manage. Perhaps they think I don't have anything. But if I didn't I would be in hospital already.

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I found myself torn between showing them how much I am used to and how well I am doing - and risk them thinking what? That I'm a pig? That I'm not that bad after all? - and showing them how much I am struggling. Why? They know already, I don't need to prove anything to anyone. It doesn't change the situation - however much I 'm eating, it is evidently not enough. I don't need anyone's affirmation that I did well - I know I didn't. And for that I feel crap. So what am I going to do about it? The Clinutren are still sitting in the windowsill. Haven't made it as far as the fridge yet. I wonder if I could mix it with vodka. A Clinutren Wallbanger. Mmm, maybe they're not so bad after all.

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I'm not sure how to cope with this weekend. I don't want to prevent Barry from coming home, yet equally I can't risk him upsetting the routine. Nor can I expect him to have thought about perhaps taking charge of the meals this weekend. It is only in the short-term. Yes, I know he has been working his socks off all week but if I'd just had a cataract operation, he wouldn't expect me to do the driving and I'm sure he wouldn't expect me to carry on as normal if I had cancer. But somehow this illness doesn't generate the same kind of sympathy. It is still regarded as self-inflicted by many people (myself included). It's my own fault and all I have to do to get better is eat. Even Mim believes that is true - only the other day she said that it is not as if I've got cancer, after all the cure (i.e. food) exists so why don't I just take the medicine. Exactly. Why don't I? It is so simple on paper. Black and white. Cause and effect. Extra calories in = weight gained = money for the hospice and a happier, healthier Lizzie. Keep taking the medicine. Unfortunately I need to increase the dose. Still, it's lunchtime. Great. God I'm starving, seems like ages since breakfast, I could eat a horse (keep going, you might convince yourself).

Lizzie's diary, 16th January 2008

2008-01-22T03:25:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 16th January

I don't like the physical repercussions of this. I feel like someone is squeezing my heart - my chest feels so tight. I'm sure Barry would tell me not to be so dramatic and that it is only anxiety but I'm not convinced - I don't actually feel that anxious. I'm also worried about my brain function and concentration - I just don't feel I am firing on all cylinders all the time. Over lunch today, Hannah broached the subject of "plonk". Whatever it's called doesn't change the fact that I have built up a huge psychological barrier. Why? It is a concentrated, easily take in-able form of calories that can be excised from my diet once it has served its purpose. It will be the reason why I have gained weight as opposed to the speculation that perhaps the extra sandwich/cheese/biscuit/chocolate was the culprit. If I don't try it I'll never know.

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I can definitely feel my resolve is strengthening. I am starting to want to do things for myself. And I am resigned to the fact that I am not going to feel hungry at mealtimes, but I will still have to eat them. Shared bathrooms. Black hairs. Not a pleasant thought.

Lizzie's diary, 15th January 2008

2008-01-22T03:22:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 15th January

Didn't do as well as I had hoped, but not as badly as I had feared. Too many behaviours raised their ugly heads. How am I going to nail this? I know it won't just just go away but it is very hard when you are simply not hungry, to make yourself eat when your whole being doesn't want to. And then, when you've managed to finish your "main course" to even contemplate dessert. How can I be expected to be able to make a sound judgement as to whether what I have just had is enough? I know Simon would do a stop thinking you are so important moment, but actually, this is important. And I'm doing it and finding my way. Yes, I'll make mistakes, need my hand held and require constant reassurance, but I'm going to give it my best shot,

Lizzie's diary, 15th January 2008

2008-01-15T13:40:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 15th January

First things first - wait for it - a gain! Yes, the enormous increase of 0.1kg. A massive 100g. Equivalent to 0.2lb or 3.4oz. Not very impressive really. It is time for a change and I think I started to do that last night. I was surprised to find that I was no more and no less "hungry" for breakfast this morning (although admittedly it was 10.30 by the time I'd been weighted and discussed Clinutren flavours with Stephanie - I've plumped (sorry) for orange, grapefruit and vanilla even though milk is gag-worthy). I don't know how I will have digested it by lunchtime which seems to be hurtling towards me at a rate of knots.

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There was a lovely comment from Mikey. I know how much it must have taken for him to write it which makes it even more touching.

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On to lunch. Managed the sandwich sans crusts (who wants curly hair anyway?) and it was fine (although it is 6 o'clock already and I'm still stuffed). I found myself telling Hannah not to give me the thickest slices of bread so I can't let go completely. Found it slightly irritating that she felt she had to tell me afterwards that actually, I had had one of the thicker bits. Really necessary? I don't think so. But Rome wasn't built on one sandwich. I can't think that lets me off the hook tonight. Or tomorrow or tomorrow or tomorrow.

Lizzie's diary, 14th January 2008

2008-01-15T13:34:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 14th January
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How do I go forward from here? On one side I have Barry & Simon with the go straight to hospital comments, do not pass go attitude and on the other I have Hannah and the voice of reason maintaining that I can do it. Sorry, I'm having another angry moment. I'll calm down now.

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I think I need to establish a routine and stick to it over the few days/weeks in order to have make a consistent weight gain by the end of January. I can feel myself wavering and I think it could be due to last weeks weight loss. I am definitely less resolved when I am lighter. I just hope tomorrow's "weigh-in" (ugh) is a positive one. I think I should forego any trips to London over the next week or two to remove any scope for sophistry.

At last people are starting to comment on the website. It really does make an enormous difference - makes it seem more real. Yet however much I welcome the comments, I can't agree with those that think we can't do anything except cart me off to hospital. OK, if nothing has changed by the time the deadline is reached, I will agree to it, but in the meantime we don't just have to sit twiddling our thumbs until we can say I told you so. So whatever the scales say tomorrow (and fingers, toes, eyes crossed there will be a gain) I'm going to ask Stephanie for a prescription for Clinutren. There, I've written it so I'm going to do it.

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Well that was a first. I knew I was going to struggle with dinner so I texted Hannah before I started and asked her to text me in half and hour to tell me to finish the bloody thing. And I did. It wasn't that much, but it did give me a sense of achievement rather than having that nagging feeling of not having done enough.

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Remember this feeling - it's nice. Fullness = satisfaction = good. Well done. Legend. Now go and eat your cheesecake.

God I'm full. Please tell me this feeling will pass and that this will have gone down by the morning.

Lizzie's diary, 13th January 2008

2008-01-15T13:29:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 13th January

(Late, slightly p*****)

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Today has been vile. Absolutely ghastly. Not just how I feel but the weather, Barry, my hair - everything.

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Yeah, lets let the "experts" take over. You've got to go into hospital. And then what? What happens then? I've still got to go through it, so why can't I do it under our terms?

Weigh-in results and sponsorship update

2008-01-15T07:55:00.000-08:00

Please note that this week's weigh-in results are being posted ON THE SAME DAY as they were recorded! Hoorah for temporary injection of efficiency. Sadly I don't hold out much hope of it lasting.

A slight gain of 0.1 kg this week. I think we all know now that these small increases are easily lost and Lizzie's weight now is still not yet at the original 37 kg (5 stone 11 pounds in old money) of November 26th.

BUT...

New tactic + massive dose of urgency will surely equal success this week. Quite frankly, there is no time left for trials with their corresponding errors so we are throwing all ammunition at it this time. Supplements!

Originally we (I) was perhaps a little naive to think that we could leap over the initial weight gain hurdle without the use of supplemental, or 'build up' drinks. (For those that don't know, when admitted to hospital Lizzie would have to either eat the allotted portion of food laid in front of her or make up what she left with a 'build up' drink. These are high calorie, high protein drinks with plenty of vitamins and minerals for people who are malnourished or for cancer patients who physically can't take on board the required nutrition during their treatment.) In an ideal world we would not have to resort to such measures but we can all see that we need a bit of a jump start.

Our new tactic is to make up the daily calorie intake with as much 'normal' food as possible and the rest with these drinks. There will then be no physical reason why the weight can't go on. Then if we see a consistent weight gain we will begin to look into how we can wean Lizzie off of the drinks whilst filling in the gaps with more of the 'normal' stuff.

The nick-name for the drinks will be "plonk". If Lizzie can't eat her portion of normal food, then one of these drinks will be 'plonked' in front of her. Choice, without choice perhaps? But needs must. We need to escape this no-mans-land for fear of capture by the dreaded men in white coats! Take cover!!

Sadly there is no miracle cure for anorexia as we all know. Even the hospital won't be able to cure it. All they'll be able to do is provide a controlled environment where there is no option to not gain weight, whether by eating 'ordinary' food or by chugging away on the 'plonk'. And will the weight stay on when the hospital stay comes to an end? It certainly didn't last year.

And now for a sponsorship update...

Thanks to the most incredible generosity from Lizzie's friends today the total to be raised per pound of weight gained has leapt to:

£2,009.81

...giving us, if the target weight of 7 stone 4 pounds is reached...

£42,205.97

As you will see from the diary entries, your comments really have been fantastic this week. I cannot thank you enough. You've no idea what a difference it makes. Please, if you have the time, keep them coming.

I think that's all from me. Happy reading and do keep spreading the word about the challenge. And thank-you so much for your continued support.

Hannah

Lizzie's diary, 11th January 2008

2008-01-12T17:01:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 11th January

I was wrong, it wasn't easier next time and I still couldn't finish lunch. Maybe tomorrow?

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I'm not doing enough. I've wasted so much time. And I'm scared of how it is affecting me both physically and mentally. Lying in bed last night, freezing cold, I had to check my pulse as my heart seemed to have developed an irregular rhythm, then I kept waking through the night with chest pains. And my legs ache when I climb a flight of stairs. This has got to change or something is going to give out. Why do I feel I have to push my body to such extremes, what am I waiting for? I do feel like I have kind of lost momentum with this, and that I'm slipping back and getting complacent. Am I just using this as a smokescreen to keep me out of hospital. Time is ticking on and I'm still treading water. Stagnating.

Lizzie's diary, 10th January 2008

2008-01-12T16:59:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 10th January

Hannah is right - I need to do something dramatic. It isn't just that I mustn't lose any more weight. I have to gain a substantial amount fairly soon otherwise she/I cannot justify keeping me out of hospital. Everything inside me is trying to fight it - to stave off the day when I make that huge leap of faith and "feel the fear and do it anyway" (irritating phrase but also irritatingly apt). So yes, it is going to be hard but we are going to try her giving me "normal" portions of food and me just getting on with the eating. Removing any element of choice. Try wriggling out of that one, gremlin.

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It wriggled and wriggled, presenting every excuse in the book, but I did manage most of the sandwich Hannah made me. Big struggle though. Still, now I've done it once and can do it again and build on it. Next time will be easier. And it's ages until dinner.

Lizzie's diary, 9th January 2008

2008-01-12T16:57:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 9th January

I can hardly bring myself to write anything. I am so disappointed with myself. I am now 6 weeks into this and I've got nowhere. Perhaps they are right and I do need to go into hospital. Sometimes I feel so strong and able, but other times... Maybe I should just roll over an put my hands up. Admit that I can't do it. But I must. I can try harder. I can do it.

Lizzie's diary, 8th January 2008

2008-01-12T16:56:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 8th January

I'm like a bloody yo-yo. My weight is back down to what is was before Christmas. All that hard work in vain. It has shown me that although I don't necessarily like it all the time, having regular accompanied meals makes a big difference. How am I going to manage this? I wonder if I could persuade Barry to start coming home for dinner during the week. I definitely have to have lunch with Hannah as often as she can stand it. The practice nurse has also suggested having Clinutren as a supplement. As long as it is not like that ghastly Fortifresh stuff we had in the Priory when we couldn't (or wouldn't) finish a meal.

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I thought I knew my body better that this. I thought I had managed to maintain what I had gained at the very least. Why do I find it so much easier to lose than to gain? The eternal loser, that's me. Waste of an ever diminishing amount of space. Now I have to plough my way through breakfast. Yum yum yum. I can't deny though, that there is still a part of me that, however warped, likes losing weight. And that is the part of me I need to destroy before it destroys me and everything for which I am working.

Lizzie's diary, 7th January 2008

2008-01-12T16:53:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 7th January

I really need to stop hoping that someone else is going to do this for me. I have to stop blaming other people. It is my responsibility and it is only me who can do it. But that doesn't mean I have to do it alone. I need help and support and I have to learn how to accept it graciously. But I cannot assume that other people are going to know instinctively how to help - sometimes anything and everything is just the wrong thing to say or do at just the wrong moment. I need to lighten up and develop the ability to brush things off rather than dwell on them - who knows, maybe it was the way in which I perceived the comment rather than the way it was intended.

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I have come to realise that if I just get on with the eating, and don't constantly go on about how difficult it is for me, my angst dissipates and I find it easier to JFDI. The minute I focus on how much/little I am eating, it snowballs. For example, last night Mim & Mikey came for dinner & as there wasn't a huge onus on what I was or wasn't eating (apart from the odd unloaded comment) it was far more relaxed & I managed to eat pretty well (even the ice cream). Now I need to keep it up, I'm being weighed tomorrow and I have to have gained some more weight. If I can get used to a regular weekly weight gain it'll become less of an issue than if it goes up one week and down the next. Then I can start to learn just how much I need to eat. At the moment I just don't know, it's a case of suck it and see. And swallow.

Lizzie's diary, 4th January 2008

2008-01-12T16:49:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 4th January

How have I managed to lose the ability to live for the moment? I am so caught up in its causes and consequences that it has already gone. Even in the case of writing this diary - by the time the little grey cells have been transcribed and translated, their very meaning has evaporated.
Why, at the very moment that I let myself go do I get it thrown back in my face. I just don't get it. Oh I don't know, why can't I differentiate between "normal" behaviour and abnormal "behaviour"? Where does one draw the line?

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I mean, is it "normal" to have to fold the towels correctly, align the bottles in the bathroom/kitchen/bathroom, plump the cushions, brush your hair/teeth three times (or whatever), wash your hands x number of times, close the drawers, turn the lights off, straighten the blinds, have a wee (or two. Or three. No sorry, it has to be in multiples of 2), fold the loo paper into quarters, touch things with both hands so one doesn't get left out. I could go on. But that way madness lies. But it is only by degrees. Surely everyone is just a little bit insane.

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What is it about me that I have to attribute blame for everything. Why do I feel that someone has to be responsible for everything. And ultimately that person is me. I cannot be responsible for everything. It cannot always be my fault. Although, admittedly, it generally is. I can't do everything, nor can I expect anyone else to do it. Sometimes things don't get done as you would wish them to be. Things are not, nor can they be, perfect all the time.

Weigh-in results (Tuesday 8th)

2008-01-12T16:28:00.000-08:00

Weigh-in results

Yet again, I'm sorry for posting this so late. Sadly Lizzie lost the weight that she had put on over the Christmas period so we are now in crisis mode, and it has been agreed that some sort of rocket must be put up the proverbial behind.

We really are having to have a reality check this week, and for the next few weeks. Lizzie cannot continue to kid herself that 2 oatcakes and 2 small pieces of cheddar for lunch are sufficient to maintain, or to not lose, this weight. The progress that we have made has been in establishing a routine, and Lizzie's really got her teeth into this one (pardon the pun)... but just eating something at lunchtime, though a great start, is not enough.

This week I have shown Lizzie what a light-lunch, or half-portion to any normal person looks like. It is no doubt a daunting prospect to eat a cheese sandwich with slices of bread that seem gargantuan but Lizzie can (and must) complete each meal 'challenge' that is laid down. Nobody can justify keeping her out of hospital if she is only maintaining this dangerously low weight. There must be progress on the scales.

So... we have a sort of cut-off point. End of January. If there is no progress before then (and by progress I don't just mean one week's small gain, but a consistent small gain each week - no losses!) then I think we will have to accept that perhaps hospital is the best plan, even if it's just to get out of the danger zone. Don't get me wrong, I do not think that it will come to this. Lizzie is more than intelligent enough to know what needs to be done, and she's gained a great deal of willpower to fight off the 'anorexic gremlin' that rears its ugly head during the day. But this week, please please can we see your support in the form of comments. I KNOW I keep banging on about it, but I know how much she enjoys reading them... and what's more comments, unlike texts and calls, last for as long as this blog is running.

Fingers crossed that we can get back on track.

Hannah

Lizzie's diary, 4th January 2008

2008-01-04T15:21:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 4th January
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God I feel ghastly. I hope I'm not coming down with something - that would be just my luck. Its strange, I haven't been ill (as in having a cold or flu) for years. It is almost as though my immune system has been suppressed by this semi-starvation - somewhat analogous to the study which observed that viral infections were attenuated and T-cell mediated responses lowered in protein-starved mice. So perhaps it is a positive thing and a direct result of my improved nutritional status. I do feel sick though, and I've got a stinking headache. And a stye. But apart from that Mrs Lincoln...

Had a long conversation with Christa about her piece in The Telegraph. I think it sounds absolutely fine and that she is going is put the right slant on it. And I also think she is right in saying that the weblog needs an injection of oomph - seeing as no-one seems to be responding to Hannah's appeal for comments (hint hint)

Lizzie's diary, 3rd January 2008

2008-01-04T15:19:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 3rd January

I must admit I'm a bit disappointed. I've only managed to put on 0.4kg. A case of E for effort. Could do better. But at lease it is a start. I just wish it had been a bit more. What I mustn't do is let myself off the hook - it would be too easy to just lose it again.

Weigh-in results and sponsorship update

2008-01-04T14:57:00.000-08:00

...And the results of this week's weigh-in are...
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A GAIN of 0.4 kg or 0.9 lbs!!!

Father Christmas's chocolates were clearly tasty enough to tempt. Overall I think Lizzie was a little disappointed not to have gained more but there are more benefits showing through. Brains need energy too and the diary entries seem to suggest overall better moods so perhaps the old noggin hogged a few of those extra calories.

This week, having established a 3-meal-per-day routine which Lizzie seems to have mastered, we're trying to up the intake at each meal. Our thinking is that there'll still be time for the fullness to die down before the next meal whilst increasing the amount eaten over the course of the day. Hopefully she can at least retain the weight she's put on over the festive period and if this week's plan works, there'll be another gain.

Not far to go until The Hospice of St. Francis will be reaping the rewards! Fingers crossed!

Sponsorship update...

Amount to be raised per pound of weight gained: £1,009.81

Total amount to be raised if target weight of 21 lbs is reached: £21,205.97

Keep those comments coming in. I know there's been a lot of Christmas havoc but I know Lizzie really appreciates them.

Thanks everyone, Hannah

Little note from Hannah

2008-01-02T15:12:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

Many apologies for the huge time lag with these posts. You know what Christmas and New Year can be like! It does mean you get to read another bumper load of diary entries though so 'every cloud...'.

Weigh-in (or 'weighing') tomorrow... Fingers crossed Father Christmas's gifts were tasty enough and had enough calories in them!! Also, I'll get my head around the sponsorship totals before the end of the week. If there is anybody that has sent me an e-mail RE. sponsorship or other support and I haven't replied please would you mind just nagging me?! Some mail may have been jumbled together with the Christmas junk before/during my time away so please don't take offence - all of your support is thoroughly appreciated and we couldn't do it without you.

I'll be back on track and up-to-date soon - promise!

Remember, keep spreading the word to anyone that may be interested. And of course all your lovely, heart-felt comments are always welcomed!

Regards,

Hannah

Lizzie's diary, 2nd January 2008

2008-01-02T15:10:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 2nd January

This is going to be hard. How do I stick to the routine now that I am on my own? When all my instincts are to cut down. I am simply not hungry and I want to feel hungry again. I suppose I just have to keep doing it and perhaps the hunger will return again. If I stick to proper mealtimes and eat proper meals, maybe I’ll get used to it and regain an appetite – not just for food but for living too.
.

...

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Well I took my time, but I did it. I was determined to sit down and make myself have exactly the same as I would have done had Barry been here and I did. I need to establish a routine however forced it may seem at first. Gradually it will become a habit and who knows, I may start to enjoy it. Cheese and oatcakes? Yum yum yum.
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What I’m not looking forward to is being weighed tomorrow. I know I have to but it is going to be incredibly hard not to panic when I get confirmation of this weight gain. I’ve got to face it sometimes and reassure myself that it is fine. Just because the scales say something does not alter how I feel. And I do feel better physically. Well sometimes anyway. I didn’t like getting light-headed when we went for a walk the other day, and my hair and skin look pretty crap. But generally I think there is an improvement, and my mood is a bit more stable.

Lizzie's diary, 1st January 2008

2008-01-02T15:06:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 1st January

Well Happy New Year. Happy New Lizzie? I wonder what this year will bring. Can it be any worse than last year? Typical New Year’s Eve nightmare – we both hate it anyway so it’s not surprising. Why am I not given any concessions for being unwell? I know he is sick of it, but that doesn’t make it suddenly evaporate. We went on a walk and I got tired. Very tired. Just getting through the day is sometimes a physical struggle. But I’m not allowed to play the anorexia card. Especially if it rears its ugly head at an inconvenient time. Or heaven forbid, at a mealtime.
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It was lovely to have the Shergolds back and a well-needed injection of normality and stability. Christmas is such an artificial situation it’s not surprising people come to blows – and with the added pressure of an eating disorder when there is a surfeit of food and drink, I guess it’s surprising I am still in one piece.
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Sometimes I have to give myself a reality check. And I realise that it isn’t always me.
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But I'm prepared to change, and I am changing. It’s not surprising that I’m going to have weird mood swings to accompany the weight gain. Read the literature, it’s text book stuff. I’m coping with the fat thighs, the stuffed-ness, the hamster cheeks. Give myself some leeway and acknowledge it.
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Nothing is going to change unless I do.
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I’m finding this whole thing rather uncomfortable. Not just physically (although it is – I feel like the Pilsbury dough man. Just raisins pressed into uncooked dough. Hot.) but emotionally too. This diary wasn’t intended to be an outlet for my self pity but sometimes it has to be. I don’t want it to be read I just need to get it out. Reawakening of feelings. I’ve just got to go with it and try. See it as an experiment. I don’t like it. I don’t like eating so much. I don’t like enjoying myself. Yet. But I will. And maybe we can go back to how we were. I try so hard but it is never enough. I love him so much but that’s never enough either. When is it ever going to be enough?

Lizzie's diary, 30th December 2007

2008-01-02T15:01:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 30th December

Well it was absolutely lovely. They really are the perfect guests. Such sweet, kind, interesting gentlemen. Even I thoroughly enjoyed it – food included!
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I’ve definitely turned a corner this holiday and if it is due to weight gained then so much the better. I have managed to let go, however scary and alien that is to me. I’ve realised that the only thing I am anguishing over is other people's comments regarding the inevitable weight gain. But I have managed to talk to Barry fairly rationally (I hope) about it so hopefully I will know how to deal with comments like – ‘God, I don’t know how you managed to put on so much with how much you have been eating’, ‘You haven’t been eating that much’. Well, actually, I have. Not purely in quantity, although there has been a significant increase, but in terms of caloric density. I’m not used to such rich food and so much alcohol but I’ve managed to take advantage of it. Sorry, just needed to polish my halo. Repeat after me – this is a good thing. I need to put on weight. What is this intrinsic, inherent fear of gaining weight that we have? I can think of very few people, male or female, who actually honestly would like to put on a few pounds, let alone relish the idea of having to gain over a stone. I really believe that a large proportion of the population would like to lose a bit of weight, irrespective of their absolute weight. And I know I am far more comfortable with the feeling of losing it than gaining it. It is a most uncomfortable feeling – tightness, hotness, heaviness, munchkin features, hamster cheeks, thunder thighs. but I’ll get used to it. I have set myself to do this and I damned well will.
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“It can’t be done,” they told the man.
He, with a grin, replied,
“Nothing is impossible, until you’ve really tried”.
And so he set himself to do the thing they said could not be done.
And he couldn’t do it.
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My mum wrote that in my autograph book when I was a kid. What's that all about?

Lizzie's diary, 29th December 2007

2008-01-02T14:59:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 29th December

One thing I do feel a lot of the time, and for no discernible reason, is angry. I just want to break something or lash out at someone. It does seem to tie in with a monthly cycle but if I have no hormones surging through my veins, how can it?
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That’s one thing I want. Periods. I know, I remember the downside – the tummy aches and PMT, but it would make me feel so much more normal. I dread to think what the lack of oestrogen is doing to my bones – I can almost feel it leaching out of them.
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I do seem to have come up against a bit of a brick wall in terms of hunger/fullness. All the holes have been filled but the mealtimes keep coming. Please tell me it’ll get easier. Barrie and Tony are coming for dinner tonight and I know it could be awkward. I just mustn’t get into a state. Do the worry work now and do not rise to it – you know how Barry gets when people are coming over and if I am on edge, it makes it worse.

Lizzie's diary, 28th December 2007

2008-01-02T14:55:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 28th December

I should probably write something but I don’t know what, I don’t really know how I feel. I think I’ve forgotten how to feel. I just feel a bit lost. Not having Hannah here has made things seem less immediate. It is never the right time to talk to Barry about it but the problem won’t just go away. Or maybe it will – in some ways I think I’m letting go. Then I get the urge to restrict again. I know I need to make an appointment to get weighed next week but in some ways it is more relaxing not putting a figure on it. I have gained weight – just having someone here for 3 meals a day (not to mention the alcohol intake, chocolates etc. etc.) has made an enormous difference. I would anticipate a gain of at least 1 kg and if I come to terms with that now, then I won’t panic when I get confirmation.
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Physically I am torn between quite liking feeling satisfied after a meal rather than deprived – for the first time I ate a proper full forkful of linguine instead of one strand (sad but true) – and feeling scared. I just have to keep reassuring myself that this is right and it is ok. I cannot rely on anyone else to tell me that I am doing the right thing. But I do feel fat and uncomfortable.
.
...

Sorry – another slightly random pen-grabbing moment. Due to the absence of the ‘festive period’-induced ‘weigh-in sesh’ I don’t know where I am weight-wise. So I thought I’d take a little role-playing moment. When I get on the scales on, let’s say, Wednesday and they say 39.7 kg. What would I think? What would I say? And just supposing anyone else is taking the blindest bit of notice of any of this. What was it last time? Exactly. It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter. Obviously I’ll panic – predictable gut reaction, but ultimately, if I feel good, and the scales show a gain, it will be a ‘good thing’. I honestly don’t know for sure that I have put on that much weight but I have been eating well, and regularly. And it is becoming more of a habit.
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I’m not sure I like this putting on weight thing. I feel less in control and less controlled but more alive. I think. Or maybe I’m thinking about it too much,. When I just get on with it, I forget there is a problem, So perhaps that is the solution. Stop being so self-indulgent and wallowing in self-pity and just do it.

Lizzie's diary, 26th December 2007

2008-01-02T14:53:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 26th December

Well, like 90% of the rest of the population, I ate and drank too much yesterday. Unfortunately, unlike 90% of the population, I am not allowed to go on a diet. I really made a superhuman effort yesterday but I must not let myself cut back today although it’s tempting. I’m not used to such rich food – can’t believe I’ll ever be hungry again. I felt like a goose trying to eat my toast this morning.

I don’t know how to put up with this when I am so fragile both physically and emotionally. I cannot be responsible for everything. I must be allowed to let go without having to suffer the consequences.

And I don’t like mince pies or Christmas pudding – trivia I know, but important trivia.

Lizzie's diary, 23rd December 2007

2008-01-02T14:45:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 23rd Dec

(am)
This isn’t a cry for help, I’m screaming at the top of my voice.

(pm)

As soon as I pick up this pen and start writing, I feel self-indulgent. Then the moment is lost forever. I’ve made some giant strides forward today. Proper lunch – ok, maybe not by everyone’s standards, but by sitting down properly and eating manchego and oatcakes (thank-you Martin) at a reasonable hour – and Christmassy chipolatas wrapped in bacon followed by ‘tarte fine aux pommes’ (I think B won the prize) and ice cream – but I’m tired. Tired of this, tired of being tired. Tiring of wearing B down. And tired of having to make an effort. Things shouldn’t be so hard. I want to be able to let go. Without feeling guilty.

Note from Hannah

2007-12-22T01:02:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

I'm so sorry for the delay in posts this week. Very rubbish of me. Unfortunately I had to deal with the irritating bureaucracy of the Peterborough passport office this week. Finding out that you've mislaid your vital ID documents a mere four days before your ski trip does not make for a stress-free week I can tell you.

But... here we are. A bumper load of diary entries for you all. Thanks so much to all those who wrote their comments on the blog. As you'll see from some of Lizzie's own words, they do a lot to restore balance and remind her why she's doing this challenge.

This week we need you even more. Unfortunately the weight-loss demons are threatening to rear their ugly heads after a loss of 0.3 kg. We'll not be allowing that to put a dampener on Christmas will we?! C'mon. Get commenting. The festive period is when we make time for our friends and since I will not be in the country I'm leaving Lizzie in your capable hands.

Stay tuned for a huge push for that first pound in the New Year, which is when the next posts will be entered. Merry Christmas to you all and thank-you so much again for all your kind support.

Hannah

PS.

REMEMBER, COMMENTS PLEASE!

Lizzie's diary, 21st December 2007

2007-12-22T00:58:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 21st December

"This is going to work despite (or maybe in spite) of all the barriers in my way. Just because it is slightly unconventional medicine doesn’t mean it is wrong. Even though I sometimes think I am taking one step forward then slithering down two snakes I feel I am getting somewhere. The fact I am still writing this diary is surely testament to that. One enormous hurdle I am facing is lunch today. Nikky has invited me over for lunch in the East Wing (maybe this isn’t so far removed from hospital after all) with 8 other people. I actually think I will probably last about half and hour before running for the hills but I know Hannah will twist and twist my arm. I’m not sure I am ready for this. Lunch is just about mangeable (sic)(k) on my own and my stomach has tied itself in knots just thinking about it. So it’s 5 to 1 already and I’m still sitting here in my tracksuit with wet hair. Is this yet another delaying tactic, or is it helping me screw my courage to the sticking place so that I’ll not fail?"

Lizzie's diary, 20th December 2007

2007-12-22T00:46:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 20th December

"So much is happening and yet so little. In some ways I really feel I’m getting somewhere but then the scales say otherwise. I know that if I had been weighed on Friday it wouldn’t have gone down (and possibly would have gone up again). It was just those couple of blips that were to blame. Bother. Never mind, if I didn’t fixate on the gain last week, I’m damned sure I’m not going to get hung up on this loss. I need to take full advantage of this ‘festive period’ (Bah humbug) and just try to let go of my anorexic habits and even try to enjoy it. I’m sure I used to enjoy food. I’ve taught myself not to, now I’ve got to re-train myself and rediscover that enjoyment. Maybe I could get hold of some Valium. Or a frontal lobotomy.
.
I was supposed to see the lady at Cotswold House today but she cancelled. I must admit I was relieved, but I know I need to keep going - even if it is just to give me a reality check. So I went to Tesco’s instead. Great. But I have to keep going through the motions - I can’t expect Barry to do all the supermarket shopping as well as everything else. I do find it very hard though and have to keep resisting the impulse to ditch my trolley and run out. When I got back, I bumped into Tony who has made me promise to put on weight next year. Oh all right then! Then Hannah came over. Apart from just talking (which gave me a well-needed kick up the bony backside) she gave me a letter from Nikky. Words fail me. She totally gets it and I have realised what it is to have a real friend. I am so lucky to have found them all. I just hope I don’t ever mess this up. She is just so. OK. I’m not going to diminish how I feel by putting it on paper. And I don’t have sufficient vocabulary anyway."

Lizzie's Diary, 19th December 2007

2007-12-22T00:44:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 19th December

"Why is it that European cities are more civilised than those in the UK? Such simple things like having home-made bread and a Dualit toaster at breakfast (alongside a chocolate fountain - but I suppose we are in Belgium). I nearly played up at lunchtime and we had to walk out of the restaurant, take a moment (for that read yell at each other, walk around the block, and kiss and make up) and then try again. I’ve got to stop hoping that Barry is going to know instinctively how to deal with me while I’m getting through this. It’s not fair on him. And he loves his food - could I really deny him steak frites and a glass of red wine?

I had a lovely text from Mummy Stas saying that she had put a comment on the website and hoped I was feeling better. Well I certainly did after I received that. She is so kind. I still don’t know why she has adopted me but I thank my lucky stars she did.
.
…
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Why do I hate myself so much? And how do I manage to make such a mess of everything?

...

I don’t understand what happens. What comes over me. As soon as I feel under any sort of pressure, I panic. It’s so easy for people to wind me up before meal times. And I’m embarrassed to admit that I react by clamping my mouth shut. If I don’t want something why force it on me? I can’t bear the ‘have some bread’, ‘make sure you finish that’ etc. comments before I have a chance to start eating. Give me a chance. I’m fine when I’m not put under any pressure - like at breakfast I happily munched away at my toast and it didn’t occur to me to not have it. But I found myself bottling out at lunch and ‘dropping’ half my roll on the floor. Great. Needless to say, it didn’t go unnoticed. I manage to say and do exactly he wrong thing just by being.
.
Thought about just giving up on this. But then I read the comments on the website, had a lovely text from Joanna and spoke to Nanny so my resolve is well and truly refreshed. Weighing tomorrow so I’d better make sure I make a super human effort tonight.
.
…
.
I don’t know. I’m starting to wonder whether Barry is right after all and I can’t do this alone. I’m back down to 36.9 kg. I don’t think I can bear the ‘I told you so’ comments. Am I really strong enough to do this? Sod it. Of course I can. This has nothing to do with anyone else and I’m going to make damned sure no-one else bloody well ruins this too."

Lizzie's diary, 18th December 2007

2007-12-22T00:40:00.000-08:00

Diary entry: 18th December

"I made myself get up early enough to have breakfast before we left. It’s getting easier to have 2 more normal-sized pieces of toast, although it takes a while to get through them. I still can’t force myself to give me a bigger piece than Barry though - but maybe that’s OK – he is twice the size of me after all. But it’s me that’s trying to put weight on, not him. I had prepared myself that I was going to have ‘proper’ lunch on the train but nearly found myself refusing the offered glass of champagne. What was that all about? Oh no – I don’t drink at lunchtime. And I’ve got a headache. For Christ’s sake – we were on the 1st Class Eurostar to Bruges – why couldn’t I just relax and enjoy it I managed to eat something at least but managed to let them take my tray away before I would tackle the apple pie. Waiting for the taxi in Bruges was awful – I don’t think I’ve ever been so cold. I don’t think I can endure another winter without any internal insulation. I get to a point where my brain seems to freeze and my heart seems to tremble. It gets into my bones and I don’t think I’ll ever be warm again. Barry jokes about my lips turning blue but it’s true, I lose all sensation in my nose and can’t seem to speak properly. So that’s a major reason for putting some weight on. We went to a local restaurant in the evening and I persuaded Barry to contribute to the diary…"
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Dr. B’s Quick Quill Quotes
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“Get on.”
“Finish your dessert.”
“Don’t touch your lips.”
“I absolutely adore you.”
“You’re an angel.”
“Cmon, get it down!”
“Stop making excuses.”
“Lying toad.”
“What’s that bit on the top?”
XXXX
“Finish your dessert and you can read it.”
(Well done)
“Finished – no you haven’t!”