Lizzie's diary, 7th January 2008

Diary entry: 7th January

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I really need to stop hoping that someone else is going to do this for me. I have to stop blaming other people. It is my responsibility and it is only me who can do it. But that doesn't mean I have to do it alone. I need help and support and I have to learn how to accept it graciously. But I cannot assume that other people are going to know instinctively how to help - sometimes anything and everything is just the wrong thing to say or do at just the wrong moment. I need to lighten up and develop the ability to brush things off rather than dwell on them - who knows, maybe it was the way in which I perceived the comment rather than the way it was intended.

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I have come to realise that if I just get on with the eating, and don't constantly go on about how difficult it is for me, my angst dissipates and I find it easier to JFDI. The minute I focus on how much/little I am eating, it snowballs. For example, last night Mim & Mikey came for dinner & as there wasn't a huge onus on what I was or wasn't eating (apart from the odd unloaded comment) it was far more relaxed & I managed to eat pretty well (even the ice cream). Now I need to keep it up, I'm being weighed tomorrow and I have to have gained some more weight. If I can get used to a regular weekly weight gain it'll become less of an issue than if it goes up one week and down the next. Then I can start to learn just how much I need to eat. At the moment I just don't know, it's a case of suck it and see. And swallow.

Lizzie's diary, 4th January 2008

Diary entry: 4th January

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How have I managed to lose the ability to live for the moment? I am so caught up in its causes and consequences that it has already gone. Even in the case of writing this diary - by the time the little grey cells have been transcribed and translated, their very meaning has evaporated.
Why, at the very moment that I let myself go do I get it thrown back in my face. I just don't get it. Oh I don't know, why can't I differentiate between "normal" behaviour and abnormal "behaviour"? Where does one draw the line?

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I mean, is it "normal" to have to fold the towels correctly, align the bottles in the bathroom/kitchen/bathroom, plump the cushions, brush your hair/teeth three times (or whatever), wash your hands x number of times, close the drawers, turn the lights off, straighten the blinds, have a wee (or two. Or three. No sorry, it has to be in multiples of 2), fold the loo paper into quarters, touch things with both hands so one doesn't get left out. I could go on. But that way madness lies. But it is only by degrees. Surely everyone is just a little bit insane.

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What is it about me that I have to attribute blame for everything. Why do I feel that someone has to be responsible for everything. And ultimately that person is me. I cannot be responsible for everything. It cannot always be my fault. Although, admittedly, it generally is. I can't do everything, nor can I expect anyone else to do it. Sometimes things don't get done as you would wish them to be. Things are not, nor can they be, perfect all the time.

Weigh-in results (Tuesday 8th)

Weigh-in results

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Yet again, I'm sorry for posting this so late. Sadly Lizzie lost the weight that she had put on over the Christmas period so we are now in crisis mode, and it has been agreed that some sort of rocket must be put up the proverbial behind.

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We really are having to have a reality check this week, and for the next few weeks. Lizzie cannot continue to kid herself that 2 oatcakes and 2 small pieces of cheddar for lunch are sufficient to maintain, or to not lose, this weight. The progress that we have made has been in establishing a routine, and Lizzie's really got her teeth into this one (pardon the pun)... but just eating something at lunchtime, though a great start, is not enough.

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This week I have shown Lizzie what a light-lunch, or half-portion to any normal person looks like. It is no doubt a daunting prospect to eat a cheese sandwich with slices of bread that seem gargantuan but Lizzie can (and must) complete each meal 'challenge' that is laid down. Nobody can justify keeping her out of hospital if she is only maintaining this dangerously low weight. There must be progress on the scales.

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So... we have a sort of cut-off point. End of January. If there is no progress before then (and by progress I don't just mean one week's small gain, but a consistent small gain each week - no losses!) then I think we will have to accept that perhaps hospital is the best plan, even if it's just to get out of the danger zone. Don't get me wrong, I do not think that it will come to this. Lizzie is more than intelligent enough to know what needs to be done, and she's gained a great deal of willpower to fight off the 'anorexic gremlin' that rears its ugly head during the day. But this week, please please can we see your support in the form of comments. I KNOW I keep banging on about it, but I know how much she enjoys reading them... and what's more comments, unlike texts and calls, last for as long as this blog is running.

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Fingers crossed that we can get back on track.

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Hannah

Lizzie's diary, 4th January 2008

Diary entry: 4th January
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God I feel ghastly. I hope I'm not coming down with something - that would be just my luck. Its strange, I haven't been ill (as in having a cold or flu) for years. It is almost as though my immune system has been suppressed by this semi-starvation - somewhat analogous to the study which observed that viral infections were attenuated and T-cell mediated responses lowered in protein-starved mice. So perhaps it is a positive thing and a direct result of my improved nutritional status. I do feel sick though, and I've got a stinking headache. And a stye. But apart from that Mrs Lincoln...

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Had a long conversation with Christa about her piece in The Telegraph. I think it sounds absolutely fine and that she is going is put the right slant on it. And I also think she is right in saying that the weblog needs an injection of oomph - seeing as no-one seems to be responding to Hannah's appeal for comments (hint hint)

Lizzie's diary, 3rd January 2008

Diary entry: 3rd January

I must admit I'm a bit disappointed. I've only managed to put on 0.4kg. A case of E for effort. Could do better. But at lease it is a start. I just wish it had been a bit more. What I mustn't do is let myself off the hook - it would be too easy to just lose it again.

Weigh-in results and sponsorship update

...And the results of this week's weigh-in are...
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A GAIN of 0.4 kg or 0.9 lbs!!!

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Father Christmas's chocolates were clearly tasty enough to tempt. Overall I think Lizzie was a little disappointed not to have gained more but there are more benefits showing through. Brains need energy too and the diary entries seem to suggest overall better moods so perhaps the old noggin hogged a few of those extra calories.

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This week, having established a 3-meal-per-day routine which Lizzie seems to have mastered, we're trying to up the intake at each meal. Our thinking is that there'll still be time for the fullness to die down before the next meal whilst increasing the amount eaten over the course of the day. Hopefully she can at least retain the weight she's put on over the festive period and if this week's plan works, there'll be another gain.

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Not far to go until The Hospice of St. Francis will be reaping the rewards! Fingers crossed!

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Sponsorship update...

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Amount to be raised per pound of weight gained: £1,009.81

Total amount to be raised if target weight of 21 lbs is reached: £21,205.97

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Keep those comments coming in. I know there's been a lot of Christmas havoc but I know Lizzie really appreciates them.

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Thanks everyone, Hannah

Little note from Hannah

Hello all,

Many apologies for the huge time lag with these posts. You know what Christmas and New Year can be like! It does mean you get to read another bumper load of diary entries though so 'every cloud...'.

Weigh-in (or 'weighing') tomorrow... Fingers crossed Father Christmas's gifts were tasty enough and had enough calories in them!! Also, I'll get my head around the sponsorship totals before the end of the week. If there is anybody that has sent me an e-mail RE. sponsorship or other support and I haven't replied please would you mind just nagging me?! Some mail may have been jumbled together with the Christmas junk before/during my time away so please don't take offence - all of your support is thoroughly appreciated and we couldn't do it without you.

I'll be back on track and up-to-date soon - promise!

Remember, keep spreading the word to anyone that may be interested. And of course all your lovely, heart-felt comments are always welcomed!

Regards,

Hannah