Diary entry: 4th January
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How have I managed to lose the ability to live for the moment? I am so caught up in its causes and consequences that it has already gone. Even in the case of writing this diary - by the time the little grey cells have been transcribed and translated, their very meaning has evaporated.
Why, at the very moment that I let myself go do I get it thrown back in my face. I just don't get it. Oh I don't know, why can't I differentiate between "normal" behaviour and abnormal "behaviour"? Where does one draw the line?
Why, at the very moment that I let myself go do I get it thrown back in my face. I just don't get it. Oh I don't know, why can't I differentiate between "normal" behaviour and abnormal "behaviour"? Where does one draw the line?
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I mean, is it "normal" to have to fold the towels correctly, align the bottles in the bathroom/kitchen/bathroom, plump the cushions, brush your hair/teeth three times (or whatever), wash your hands x number of times, close the drawers, turn the lights off, straighten the blinds, have a wee (or two. Or three. No sorry, it has to be in multiples of 2), fold the loo paper into quarters, touch things with both hands so one doesn't get left out. I could go on. But that way madness lies. But it is only by degrees. Surely everyone is just a little bit insane.
I mean, is it "normal" to have to fold the towels correctly, align the bottles in the bathroom/kitchen/bathroom, plump the cushions, brush your hair/teeth three times (or whatever), wash your hands x number of times, close the drawers, turn the lights off, straighten the blinds, have a wee (or two. Or three. No sorry, it has to be in multiples of 2), fold the loo paper into quarters, touch things with both hands so one doesn't get left out. I could go on. But that way madness lies. But it is only by degrees. Surely everyone is just a little bit insane.
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What is it about me that I have to attribute blame for everything. Why do I feel that someone has to be responsible for everything. And ultimately that person is me. I cannot be responsible for everything. It cannot always be my fault. Although, admittedly, it generally is. I can't do everything, nor can I expect anyone else to do it. Sometimes things don't get done as you would wish them to be. Things are not, nor can they be, perfect all the time.
What is it about me that I have to attribute blame for everything. Why do I feel that someone has to be responsible for everything. And ultimately that person is me. I cannot be responsible for everything. It cannot always be my fault. Although, admittedly, it generally is. I can't do everything, nor can I expect anyone else to do it. Sometimes things don't get done as you would wish them to be. Things are not, nor can they be, perfect all the time.
2 comments:
One of the tricks Lizzie is to learn to say "Good enough!". There is no perfection in life. Even things we think are perfect could probably be improved. Try to tell yourself that perfection is not within our abilities so there is not point in going there.
If everyone is a little mad, then surely that is normality????
Wishing you well with it all.
These things attributed to OCD are normal.....I do them, my friends do them and no doubt, my kids will do them.
I think we tend to over magnify everything in our lives at certain points and the brain becomes filled with endless wittering.
Don't let become you, its only part of you.
And good luck
Jo (recovering anorexic)
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