Lizzie's diary, 6th December 2007

Diary entry: 6th December

"One of the myriad 'issues' I need to address is my use of delaying or distracting tactics (or 'behaviours' in Priory-speak). From straightening the towels, washing my hands, having a final pee (!) to cutting things into tiny pieces, adding salt and pepper and jumping up constantly to microwave my food because it's gone cold (well it would do if I take so long to eat the bloody thing). Then there's the cutting off and leaving bits because they don't look quite 'right' - it could be burnt, underdone, not brown enough, too brown - I'm starting to sounds like Goldilocks. I just need to settle. Put up with it feeling uncomfortable for a while, 'sit with it' (Pinny), J.F.D.I.. It can only get easier. I also need to start sticking to set mealtimes. It's all very well to say we'll play it by ear, see what everyone else is doing, or that if we'd been to the theatre we wouldn't be eating until 10.30 or 11pm, but unfortunately I'm not like other people. I go past it and a barrier comes up and that's when I kick up and the illness kicks in. After all, if I've waited this long to have something, I may as well wait until it's time for the next meal.

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Thought I'd mention meeting some of my friends for the first time since I'd started this. everyone is so supportive and kind and any worries I had about their reaction have been completely dispelled. It is quite refreshing being able to talk about it openly rather than it being an elephant in the room. Anya was particularly lovely and I met Lisa Armstrong (fashion editor of The Times). Then Tracey texted to say she had passed it on to her editor at The Independent. And that she is still doing well. Hooray! If she can keep at it, so can I."

Lizzie's Diary, 5th December 2007

Diary entry: 5th December

"I really should write something although quite frankly it's the last thing I feel like doing. Just felt down all day - I know it's got a lot to do with the low weight but knowing what is causing it doesn't stop me feeling it. I need to write stuff about last night and how I'm dealing with this whole thing but I can't. I'm so tied up in this skein of confusion that I can't see a way out. I need to be strict with myself and do it for me. I know this seems such a self-indulgent disease but its not. I've got to start putting myself first. What matters now is getting through this and moving on, I cannot keep living like this. I found myself pouring my heart out to Nikky and ended up bawling my eyes out. She was so kind and understanding and has made me think that perhaps I'm not so selfish as I think."

Lizzie's diary, 4th December 2007

Diary entry: 4th December

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"I really thought I'd see the scales go up this week. I'd done the worry work, prepared myself for it and accepted that this was a 'good thing'. But I hadn't put any on. In fact it was down by 0.1 kg which is nothing really but it feels like a real kick in the teeth. I had a long chat with Janet (the practice nurse) and found myself saying that although this appears to be a totally self-indulgent, selfish, self-induced illness it is actually the getting better that is when the self-indulgence begins., As soon as I begin to take care of myself and look after my needs, I will begin to get well again. I've got to start recognising what I need, enjoy, like, whatever, accept that it is valid and then satisfy it myself and not wait for (and blame) someone else to do it for me.

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God I feel pissed off. I want to go to my ballet class but I don't know if I should. But I want to get away from feeling like this and moping round here isn't going to help. Maybe just a gentle barre. And we're supposed to be going to the launch of some sexy toys range at The Bluebird tonight - how can I face people who are supporting me when I am failing to do what I've said I will?"

Lizzie's Diary, 3rd December 2007

Diary entry: 3rd December

"I had my appointment at Cotswold House today. I'd made it a fortnight ago on the understanding that if things were no better (or worse) I would accept the bed they were offering me. So I didn't take my toothbrush. I took a copy of the 'Pounds for Pounds' challenge and was quite prepared for her (Nikky Boughton) to tell me she thought I was barking. But I think she could tell something had changed and that I am set on giving this a go. Plus the fact that my weight has stabilised. So we've left it that I'll go back and see her regularly (my next appointment is on the 20th) and if this doesn't work, I'll consider going in. Although Hannah has suggested taking some photos of the place for the scrapbook, quite frankly, I couldn't wait to get out of there and fled as soon as my appointment was over."

Lizzie's diary, 2nd December 2007

Diary entry: 2nd December

"Finding writing anything difficult. Not because things aren't going well, more that I still feel in transition. On one hand I'm relieved that my weight has stabilised for 3 weeks running but on the other, I just want to get a wiggle on with this. Can't I just wake up tomorrow and be better? I don't want to have to go through the weight-gaining process again. That awful beached whale sensation, the feeling of such fullness that you think you're never going to eat again - and the next meal is hurtling towards you. But I got through it before - I remember going from half to full portions at the Priory, I got used to it. Maybe I should revisit Dr. Brian Roet's 'Requirements for Change'. (Sand pit and rake optional.)"

Lizzie's diary, 1st December 2007

Diary entry: 1st December

"I don't know what to write. Am I just kidding myself and everyone else that I can do this? I've got to make a quantum leap in terms of what I'm eating. Ok, I'm having a bit more here and there but I've got to do something major and see what happens. If I don't like it, I don't have to do it again. I don't understand what is stopping me. Earlier I was really hungry and should have just had something to eat but for some reason I couldn't justify satisfying myself. Why? Why do I keep putting it off? Even now I'm delaying lunch as much as possible. God, I'm confused. And what makes it even more frustrating is that I know damn well that the confusion is exacerbated by the semi-starvation. Vicious circle. Chicken and f**king egg."

Weigh-in: 4th December

Having had a week of good news for Lizzie with such a fantastic distinction in Grade 2 piano and an invitation to the RSA, a drop of 0.1 kg this week has rather put a dampener on things. What has made it slightly more irritating for Lizzie is that she was convinced that the positive attitude that she's maintained all week, along with a general feeling of having eaten more each day would have lead to a gain.

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Unfortunately it was not to be, and now we need everyone's support please. Obviously Lizzie is very disappointed and I'm sure it would help to hear some of your thoughts and words of encouragement. This week is all about that elusive first pound, and the more incentive she has with reminders of how you're all behind her, the more likely it is that the scales will tip in the right direction. Click on the link below which states how many comments have been left and it will guide you through how to post a comment - and remember to leave your name!

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Diary entries will follow when I can get my hands on them. I'm sorry that there can't be an update everyday and I know you'll all be tuning in to hear the next installment - it's far more worthy than Eastenders or Corrie!

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The sponsorship totals are still on the increase but please keep letting people know so that they can get on board and chip in with their support (and their cash!). We'd like to reach the new target of 25k if possible. Some of your friends may not like to use computers and since our efforts to contact people so far have relied on e-mail, word of mouth from everyone will go a long way to recruiting more bodies.

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Total amount per lb of weight gained: £956.81

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Total amount to be raised if target of 21 lbs is reached: £20,092.97

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There are still a few people who haven't given me their Pounds for Pounds figure. If you wouldn't mind e-mailing me (hannah@hannahshergold.com) or calling me (07729 219590) it'd be great to keep on top of the totals. If you're unsure about how to work out what you'd like to pledge, please read one of the previous posts entitled "The donation system" and it'll tell you all you need to know.

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So get commenting everybody. Fingers crossed for a gain next Tuesday!

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All the best,

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Hannah