Note from Hannah

Hello all,

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I'm so sorry for the delay in posts this week. Very rubbish of me. Unfortunately I had to deal with the irritating bureaucracy of the Peterborough passport office this week. Finding out that you've mislaid your vital ID documents a mere four days before your ski trip does not make for a stress-free week I can tell you.

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But... here we are. A bumper load of diary entries for you all. Thanks so much to all those who wrote their comments on the blog. As you'll see from some of Lizzie's own words, they do a lot to restore balance and remind her why she's doing this challenge.

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This week we need you even more. Unfortunately the weight-loss demons are threatening to rear their ugly heads after a loss of 0.3 kg. We'll not be allowing that to put a dampener on Christmas will we?! C'mon. Get commenting. The festive period is when we make time for our friends and since I will not be in the country I'm leaving Lizzie in your capable hands.

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Stay tuned for a huge push for that first pound in the New Year, which is when the next posts will be entered. Merry Christmas to you all and thank-you so much again for all your kind support.

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Hannah

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PS.

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REMEMBER, COMMENTS PLEASE!

Lizzie's diary, 21st December 2007

Diary entry: 21st December

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"This is going to work despite (or maybe in spite) of all the barriers in my way. Just because it is slightly unconventional medicine doesn’t mean it is wrong. Even though I sometimes think I am taking one step forward then slithering down two snakes I feel I am getting somewhere. The fact I am still writing this diary is surely testament to that. One enormous hurdle I am facing is lunch today. Nikky has invited me over for lunch in the East Wing (maybe this isn’t so far removed from hospital after all) with 8 other people. I actually think I will probably last about half and hour before running for the hills but I know Hannah will twist and twist my arm. I’m not sure I am ready for this. Lunch is just about mangeable (sic)(k) on my own and my stomach has tied itself in knots just thinking about it. So it’s 5 to 1 already and I’m still sitting here in my tracksuit with wet hair. Is this yet another delaying tactic, or is it helping me screw my courage to the sticking place so that I’ll not fail?"

Lizzie's diary, 20th December 2007

Diary entry: 20th December

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"So much is happening and yet so little. In some ways I really feel I’m getting somewhere but then the scales say otherwise. I know that if I had been weighed on Friday it wouldn’t have gone down (and possibly would have gone up again). It was just those couple of blips that were to blame. Bother. Never mind, if I didn’t fixate on the gain last week, I’m damned sure I’m not going to get hung up on this loss. I need to take full advantage of this ‘festive period’ (Bah humbug) and just try to let go of my anorexic habits and even try to enjoy it. I’m sure I used to enjoy food. I’ve taught myself not to, now I’ve got to re-train myself and rediscover that enjoyment. Maybe I could get hold of some Valium. Or a frontal lobotomy.
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I was supposed to see the lady at Cotswold House today but she cancelled. I must admit I was relieved, but I know I need to keep going - even if it is just to give me a reality check. So I went to Tesco’s instead. Great. But I have to keep going through the motions - I can’t expect Barry to do all the supermarket shopping as well as everything else. I do find it very hard though and have to keep resisting the impulse to ditch my trolley and run out. When I got back, I bumped into Tony who has made me promise to put on weight next year. Oh all right then! Then Hannah came over. Apart from just talking (which gave me a well-needed kick up the bony backside) she gave me a letter from Nikky. Words fail me. She totally gets it and I have realised what it is to have a real friend. I am so lucky to have found them all. I just hope I don’t ever mess this up. She is just so. OK. I’m not going to diminish how I feel by putting it on paper. And I don’t have sufficient vocabulary anyway."

Lizzie's Diary, 19th December 2007

Diary entry: 19th December

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"Why is it that European cities are more civilised than those in the UK? Such simple things like having home-made bread and a Dualit toaster at breakfast (alongside a chocolate fountain - but I suppose we are in Belgium). I nearly played up at lunchtime and we had to walk out of the restaurant, take a moment (for that read yell at each other, walk around the block, and kiss and make up) and then try again. I’ve got to stop hoping that Barry is going to know instinctively how to deal with me while I’m getting through this. It’s not fair on him. And he loves his food - could I really deny him steak frites and a glass of red wine?

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I had a lovely text from Mummy Stas saying that she had put a comment on the website and hoped I was feeling better. Well I certainly did after I received that. She is so kind. I still don’t know why she has adopted me but I thank my lucky stars she did.
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…
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Why do I hate myself so much? And how do I manage to make such a mess of everything?

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...

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I don’t understand what happens. What comes over me. As soon as I feel under any sort of pressure, I panic. It’s so easy for people to wind me up before meal times. And I’m embarrassed to admit that I react by clamping my mouth shut. If I don’t want something why force it on me? I can’t bear the ‘have some bread’, ‘make sure you finish that’ etc. comments before I have a chance to start eating. Give me a chance. I’m fine when I’m not put under any pressure - like at breakfast I happily munched away at my toast and it didn’t occur to me to not have it. But I found myself bottling out at lunch and ‘dropping’ half my roll on the floor. Great. Needless to say, it didn’t go unnoticed. I manage to say and do exactly he wrong thing just by being.
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Thought about just giving up on this. But then I read the comments on the website, had a lovely text from Joanna and spoke to Nanny so my resolve is well and truly refreshed. Weighing tomorrow so I’d better make sure I make a super human effort tonight.
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…
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I don’t know. I’m starting to wonder whether Barry is right after all and I can’t do this alone. I’m back down to 36.9 kg. I don’t think I can bear the ‘I told you so’ comments. Am I really strong enough to do this? Sod it. Of course I can. This has nothing to do with anyone else and I’m going to make damned sure no-one else bloody well ruins this too."

Lizzie's diary, 18th December 2007

Diary entry: 18th December

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"I made myself get up early enough to have breakfast before we left. It’s getting easier to have 2 more normal-sized pieces of toast, although it takes a while to get through them. I still can’t force myself to give me a bigger piece than Barry though - but maybe that’s OK – he is twice the size of me after all. But it’s me that’s trying to put weight on, not him. I had prepared myself that I was going to have ‘proper’ lunch on the train but nearly found myself refusing the offered glass of champagne. What was that all about? Oh no – I don’t drink at lunchtime. And I’ve got a headache. For Christ’s sake – we were on the 1st Class Eurostar to Bruges – why couldn’t I just relax and enjoy it I managed to eat something at least but managed to let them take my tray away before I would tackle the apple pie. Waiting for the taxi in Bruges was awful – I don’t think I’ve ever been so cold. I don’t think I can endure another winter without any internal insulation. I get to a point where my brain seems to freeze and my heart seems to tremble. It gets into my bones and I don’t think I’ll ever be warm again. Barry jokes about my lips turning blue but it’s true, I lose all sensation in my nose and can’t seem to speak properly. So that’s a major reason for putting some weight on. We went to a local restaurant in the evening and I persuaded Barry to contribute to the diary…"
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Dr. B’s Quick Quill Quotes
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“Get on.”
“Finish your dessert.”
“Don’t touch your lips.”
“I absolutely adore you.”
“You’re an angel.”
“Cmon, get it down!”
“Stop making excuses.”
“Lying toad.”
“What’s that bit on the top?”
XXXX
“Finish your dessert and you can read it.”
(Well done)
“Finished – no you haven’t!”

Lizzie's diary, 17th December 2007

Diary entry: 17th December
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"Not surprisingly we overslept and nearly missed breakfast (damn) so had to have it in the room. Barry nearly did a number over my request for fresh toast (why hotels can’t find a way of providing hot toast I’ll never know) but I managed to get it in the end. Actually, I honestly don’t think it’s a behaviour more like a preference, and I’m more likely to eat more of it if it is hot than cold. We found ourselves travelling at ‘lunchtime’ and stopped off at the service station to shop and get petrol. Barry’s eyes lit up at the sight of a Burger King and I gave in to temptation – letting him have his hamburger while I got the shopping. By the time we got back it was ‘too late’ for proper lunch so I had the old flapjack and apple standby. Still, I made up for it in the evening by having a really decent plate of pasta."

Lizzie's diary, 16th December 2007

Diary entry: 16th December

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"The party was everything I had hoped and feared it would be. Once we were there it was fine - some awkward moments like the woman who would not shut up about how she didn’t have an eating disorder but weighed herself every morning, never ate a proper meal, just picked at leftovers all day etc etc. I had to excuse myself and just walk away. But I’ve started to recognise that I mustn’t attribute to malice what I can put down to stupidity. And I don’t have to listen to it – I can just walk away. I needn’t have worried about any adverse reactions to my project – everyone I spoke to was totally supportive. In some ways it has made everything much easier and I think quite a lot of other people have found it a breath of fresh air. Although I am slightly surprised and more than a bit worried that so many overtly normal (as far as weight is concerned) women have major food issues. In many ways I have a healthier relationship with food then they do. It’s just I’m too good at restricting. Back to the party. (Sorry, on the train to Bruges at the moment hence the atrocious writing and lack of concentration). Despite having established that dinner was to be a sit-down affair in the Orangery it started to get later and later and what little appetite I might have had waned with each sip of champagne. (Still, there are calories in champagne aren’t there?!) Eventually the dinner gong was sounded (so much for sticking to set mealtimes) and we sat down. For some reason I had drawn a very long straw and was sitting between John and Julian (thank-you Belle). I did find myself slipping into old habits by taking the tiniest piece of gravadlax and making it look bigger by piling on the rocket and forced myself to take some bread which was quickly snaffled by Julian. Even when I try, things conspire against me. I then found myself deep in conversation with Julian sitting in front of a completely empty plate while everyone else was halfway through great slabs of bleeding cow. Managed to catch Barry’s eye who got on the case immediately – strode round the table, grabbed a plate of sea bass and plonked it in front of me announcing to Julian that he had to shut up as ‘my wife needs to eat’. My knight in shining armour. So at least I managed to eat something although I probably could have done better. But at least I didn’t take the easy option, claim to be past it and not eat a thing, however tempting that might have been."

Rallying the troops!

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Right you 'orrible lot! Lizzie's feeling very disheartened due to the lack of comments this week. Remember that she has no idea that you're all reading the blog unless there's some feedback coming in so please please... No, wait.

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Oi! Get commenting or else!!!

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(Please note use of red text to denote total seriousness - with frown!!)

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Even if you don't know Lizzie and you've just happened upon the blog, just write something! Go on, it ain't hard. Click on the link which states how many comments have been left and start typing - remember to fill in the box with your name. By the time Barry and Lizzie get back from their weekend getaway on Tuesday I'm hoping that EVERYONE who reads this will have taken 2 minutes of their day to show Lizzie that you're still there supporting her.

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Still love you all, promise!

Hannah

Lizzie's diary, 14th December 2007

Diary entry: 14th December

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"I've managed to wind myself up into a real state - mainly about tonight. Part of me wants to go but the rest just wants to run away. Away from everything. Away from me. I want everyone to leave me alone. I wish I could. My stomach has gone into total spasm - how am I supposed to eat like this? Hannah is totally winding me up (sorry) but it's more me than her. She doesn't understand so much of this and I can't explain it to her. Why do I get myself into situations like this? I don't really know why I'm getting worked up. What do I need to do? Drive down to Bath, check in to a gorgeous hotel, get ready and go out to dinner with lovely, interesting people. Not that hard really. I guess I'm nervous about eating in front of people who are obviously going to be taking notice of me - how do I want to appear? Like this is a doddle or that I'm really struggling? It's up to me to decide how I play this - my attitude to the situation will influence everyone else's. And quite honestly, is anyone really going to care that much? They've got their own lives, I'm just not that important. God I feel like shit."

Lizzie's diary, 13th December 2007

Diary entry: 13th December

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"I don't know whether to go to this interview tomorrow. I'm not quite sure why I applied for it in the first place. Yes I am. To justify what I am doing with my time. To show people that I am doing something. But in some ways I am using it as a distraction from facing up to what I really need to do. Even if they did offer me the job I wouldn't want to accept. I don't want to trail over to Oxford every day to do something that I feel I should want to do when I don't need to. In this state, I wouldn't employ me. I would be better off spending the time concentrating on getting myself in a better state of health so I can discover what I want to do rather than going through the motions giving a pretence of normality. I haven't got the strength and energy, not to mention the brain power to prepare myself properly for the interview tomorrow. It would also provide me with a perfect excuse for skipping lunch.

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Mr. Springall asked me if I had considered tube feeding. Not surprisingly I recoiled at the idea. Tubes down my nose? I don't think so. But apparently you can have a tiny tube directly into your stomach that just feeds you overnight. It could be a way to get some extra calories without having the angst of having to eat them. I keep saying I want to be able to wake up and be better - could this be a short-term solution? It is not as if I would do it instead of eating.

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Another thing I have noticed I do is delaying mealtimes. This is a perfect example - I'm writing this when I should be having breakfast. Surely it would be better to get it over and done with and give myself more time to digest it before the next one. Is it just force of habit? If I put off having something then I'll only have to wait a shorter time until I can have something else. But that is totally cockeyed. Is it because I am hoping that something will happen that I can use as an excuse not to eat after all and the more I put it off, the more chance there is of that occurring? It really doesn't make any sense and I must start sticking to set mealtimes and start training my body to want food at regular intervals. What am I waiting for?

As if by magic the phone rang. Message from Hannah checking that I was OK for lunch as she needs to be in Stony Stratford. Big dilemma. It opens up several possibilities. I could say no, I need her to be with me and have to endure a bowl of increasingly cold soup. Not a bundle of laughs but preferable to the dining room at Cotswold house surrounded by the delicate aroma of cold sick. It was truly foul and I can't remind myself enough that anything, however uncomfortable, is not as bad as that. I should probably remind myself of everything I would miss if I did have to be admitted. Personal freedom and space for a start. My own bed, and even more to the point my own bathroom. I think that was one of the worst aspects of the Priory. That first evening there when all I wanted to do was feel hot water raining down on me and what I got was cold and spitting. Not only that but having to share it with other people - the long black hairs entwined around the shower head, the having to wait while someone else was in there, the locking of the bathroom for an hour after mealtimes. I know they had to do it for those who were that way inclined, but honestly, the indignity of having to whistle to the nurse outside if you really were desperate. There are so many things I would have to give up - we have such an amazing lifestyle and I am incredibly spoilt. But I digress. Option 2 is to kid her that I have got lunch organised then revert to type and not have anything. Tempting, obviously, but too easy., Don't succumb to it. Why would I do that? How could I possibly benefit from that? But why has it even occurred to me? Who would I be hurting? No one is going to suffer apart from me. So that's a 'no' then. On to the only sensible option.

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Although that fulfilled my desire to delay breakfast a little more, it served another purpose. I phoned Hannah back and got Nikky which gave me the opportunity to talk to someone about how I felt about the interview. She is completely right, I am in no fit state to accept a job even if they were mad enough to offer it to me. There will be others, and at least it showed me that someone thinks I am worth interviewing.

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Back to breakfast, albeit delayed. And I resisted any temptation to cut any corners literally and metaphorically.

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Am I just kidding myself and everyone else that I am doing this? I still don't feel like I am being totally honest. I want people to think it's going according to plan but there are still so many 'issues' associated with food and eating that I have to address. I'm worried that even once I have gained weight they won't be resolved. I'll just have to find a way of living with it. It is always going to be part of me but it doesn't have to control me. I feel so empty. Not physically but emotionally, like a yawning chasm inside. I want to be on my own but I also feel so alone. Like there is nothing there, nothing where it should be. I can't let myself get down but I can't just put a brave face on it. Or can I? Perhaps by pretending I feel OK, I really will. Maybe I can just keep acting until it comes naturally. Why can't I be honest with myself? Why don't I know what is right? Or should I trust my own judgement? Why shouldn't what I think be right? Why should everyone else know better than me? I know what I have to do, I know what I need to eat, I know that I have to get through this. I can't keep putting things off. If not now, when?

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It's uncomfortable just being alone trying to analyse your feelings but it is something I have shied away from doing. I would do anything rather than write anything down. Once it is in writing it is real. But do I really feel the way I feel or is this all navel-gazing. Who knows? (and more to the point, who cares?) Catharsis."

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'Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.'

Henry Ford

Lizzie's diary, 12th December 2007

Diary entry: 12th December

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"Lots to write about. I guess I'd better start with the most important - I've gained 0.3 kg! So how do I feel? Relieved and surprisingly un-bothered. But also vaguely disappointed, it should have been more, but at least it's in the right direction. I kind of thought that the extra flapjacks and daily cheesecakes would have made more of a difference, perhaps I am still kidding myself. Although surely at this weight you don't need very much just to maintain it. Anyway, there is no point in analysing it or fixating on it. If I think too much about it I risk the anorexic gremlin kicking in telling me that I don't need to gain weight. So I'm not going to dwell on it. It's a 'good thing' and I will do it. I will, I must. It's too easy to revert to type, too easy to lapse into what I know best - losing weight, denying myself anything that I might, God forbid, actually enjoy. I've got to re-learn how to enjoy enjoying myself.

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So that's the weight gain 'issue' dealt with. Very badly, why can't I express myself better?

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Mim phoned on Monday evening. She has been angsting over how much to sponsor me. It doesn't matter, it's not really about the money with her - after all the Hospice means as much, if not more, to her and she gives to them regularly. And even if she were to give a million pounds per pound it wouldn't change anything. I know she would do anything to see me better again. All I need her to do is be there. Which she is, and she always has been. If I think she has said or done the wrong thing it is more my failing than hers. I think she is also concerned that if she puts a figure on it, she could be judged for it - 'What? You only value your daughter's health that much?' No, it's probably better is she doesn't. No-one could possibly know how she helped me through it before. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want anything to do with it. We've left it that she is just going to keep phoning and keep nagging!

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So on to the interview. Christa came to the flat yesterday afternoon and spent a couple of hours with me. We just chatted with the tape running. She obviously has a major eating disorder herself so I hope that doesn't influence what she writes too much. I think she wants to get the message across that this isn't just an illness of teenage Size Zero wannabees - it can affect anyone at any age and for many different reasons. I'm a bit wary of her though and have ensured I have full copy approval.

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The photographer came this morning (and yes, I exploited their offer of hair and make-up. Shallow? Me?). They were so nice, I just hope they've managed to make me look less ghastly than I do. Don't know why but I'm feeling really flat today. Possibly a slight hangover (thank you Cristal). Hannah wanted me to go to a pub quiz with them. I can't think of anything worse. I just want to be on my own. Last night was great but it still feels like a performance. Tits and teeth."

Lizzie's diary, 10th December 2007

Diary entry: 10th December

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"I think I must have been a bit tipsy last night. Slightly random to say the least. If I didn't have to adhere to Hannah's rules, it would definitely be a candidate for excision.

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Anyway.

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I've had enough of this today. Started off with text from Hannah saying that she would be over to prepare lunch at 12.30. I got my mind around the fact that I was going to do it come what may. Then Barry wanted to be taken to Bicester at 12.30. Whereas I should have told him I was having lunch with Hannah I couldn't bring myself to. Instead I raced back from the station and Hannah came over at 1.30 armed with frozen soup. Pretty foul (sorry Hannah) but managed to eat it and some bread so that's progress. Now I've done it once I've got to do it every day. Maybe not soup though. The whole house smells of it and I can still taste it. What I mustn't do is cut back on dinner this evening. Every meal is critical. I've got to make a difference this week, I can't keep stringing it out. If I haven't gained by the next time I go to Cotswold House (20th Dec) there is no way I can justify not taking the bed. It's like an exam deadline and I had better start cramming for it.

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I'm in two minds about letting Christa do my story. Although I think the more people who know, the better - and also the Hospice would benefit - I'm not sure I'm 100% comfortable with her. She does have a history of eating disorders herself, and could have an agenda. But on the other hand, she might do it more sympathetically because of that, and if I get full copy, headline and photo approval (as Jane suggested) I will have complete control over it. Anyway, I'm meeting with her tomorrow so we shall see. Right, I really have had enough of this now, I think I'll change the subject."

Lizzie's diary, 9th December 2007

Diary entry: 9th December

"Why is it that you never have a pen when you need one? I had to lose the moment by going to get one. But I have it now. And I've lost it. Sometimes things seem just within your reach and yet so intangible. Why aren't things as easy as they should be? So straight forward and obvious. What you want is not the same as what you think you want and what you think you want. Oh shut up Lizzie. Enough now. Now I wish I hadn't gone and got the pen.

Things I probably should mention include:

Abi's lemon Cheesecake and Sticky Toffee Pudding - thank you... All donations are always gratefully received.

Ged. That's it. Thank you Ged for calling just when I needed you to.

Hannah. I don't know why you are helping me but I am so grateful you are. Please don't give up on me yet. It's hard but you are enough of a terrier to match my rottweiler.

I just hope all this actually translates into weight gained. The extra toast, flapjack, pudding etc. Please make it worth the effort. I need to know that it is going to make a difference."

Weigh-in: 11th December

A GAIN of 0.3 kg or 0.7 pounds!!!

From the original weight of 5 stone 11 pounds Lizzie is now up to 5 stone 11.4 pounds (remember the drop of 0.1 kg last week). Seems a small amount but I think we all knew that getting started and reversing the downward spiral would be the hardest part.

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Congratulations Lizzie!

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This week we're tackling the daily stumbling block that is LUNCH. Very easy to put off and then scrap altogether when it jeopardises dinner. I'm sure that by keeping to regular meal times we'll see another rise next Tuesday. Fingers crossed. Comments please - click on the link below which states how many comments have been left and send in your thoughts.

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If you'd like to be added to the mailing list so that you can receive updates of when new blog entries are posted, or to sponsor Lizzie, please e-mail me (hannah@hannahshergold.com) or give me a ring on 07729 219590.

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Hannah

General queries

Hello all, 'tis Hannah.

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Had a few requests about sending things that are too large for the 'comments' to Lizzie - e.g. your song, Dave!!!

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By all means send them to me (hannah@hannahshergold.com) as I'm keeping a folder of all of the Pounds for Pounds correspondence. Everything is being printed out and readied for the scrapbook - which reminds me I must report on that soon. We may even be able to put some sort of CD in there, Dave. You never know, if we get really snazzy and ultra mod-con we'll have an MP3 player as a bookmark!

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Keep spreading the word everyone. It'd be great to reach the 25k mark for the pledge and we've got a little way to go yet.

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Thanks for all your support - keep those comments rolling in, I know Lizzie loves them and it's a constant reminder of how everyone's behind her.

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Hannah

Lizzie's diary, 6th December 2007

Diary entry: 6th December

"One of the myriad 'issues' I need to address is my use of delaying or distracting tactics (or 'behaviours' in Priory-speak). From straightening the towels, washing my hands, having a final pee (!) to cutting things into tiny pieces, adding salt and pepper and jumping up constantly to microwave my food because it's gone cold (well it would do if I take so long to eat the bloody thing). Then there's the cutting off and leaving bits because they don't look quite 'right' - it could be burnt, underdone, not brown enough, too brown - I'm starting to sounds like Goldilocks. I just need to settle. Put up with it feeling uncomfortable for a while, 'sit with it' (Pinny), J.F.D.I.. It can only get easier. I also need to start sticking to set mealtimes. It's all very well to say we'll play it by ear, see what everyone else is doing, or that if we'd been to the theatre we wouldn't be eating until 10.30 or 11pm, but unfortunately I'm not like other people. I go past it and a barrier comes up and that's when I kick up and the illness kicks in. After all, if I've waited this long to have something, I may as well wait until it's time for the next meal.

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Thought I'd mention meeting some of my friends for the first time since I'd started this. everyone is so supportive and kind and any worries I had about their reaction have been completely dispelled. It is quite refreshing being able to talk about it openly rather than it being an elephant in the room. Anya was particularly lovely and I met Lisa Armstrong (fashion editor of The Times). Then Tracey texted to say she had passed it on to her editor at The Independent. And that she is still doing well. Hooray! If she can keep at it, so can I."

Lizzie's Diary, 5th December 2007

Diary entry: 5th December

"I really should write something although quite frankly it's the last thing I feel like doing. Just felt down all day - I know it's got a lot to do with the low weight but knowing what is causing it doesn't stop me feeling it. I need to write stuff about last night and how I'm dealing with this whole thing but I can't. I'm so tied up in this skein of confusion that I can't see a way out. I need to be strict with myself and do it for me. I know this seems such a self-indulgent disease but its not. I've got to start putting myself first. What matters now is getting through this and moving on, I cannot keep living like this. I found myself pouring my heart out to Nikky and ended up bawling my eyes out. She was so kind and understanding and has made me think that perhaps I'm not so selfish as I think."

Lizzie's diary, 4th December 2007

Diary entry: 4th December

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"I really thought I'd see the scales go up this week. I'd done the worry work, prepared myself for it and accepted that this was a 'good thing'. But I hadn't put any on. In fact it was down by 0.1 kg which is nothing really but it feels like a real kick in the teeth. I had a long chat with Janet (the practice nurse) and found myself saying that although this appears to be a totally self-indulgent, selfish, self-induced illness it is actually the getting better that is when the self-indulgence begins., As soon as I begin to take care of myself and look after my needs, I will begin to get well again. I've got to start recognising what I need, enjoy, like, whatever, accept that it is valid and then satisfy it myself and not wait for (and blame) someone else to do it for me.

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God I feel pissed off. I want to go to my ballet class but I don't know if I should. But I want to get away from feeling like this and moping round here isn't going to help. Maybe just a gentle barre. And we're supposed to be going to the launch of some sexy toys range at The Bluebird tonight - how can I face people who are supporting me when I am failing to do what I've said I will?"

Lizzie's Diary, 3rd December 2007

Diary entry: 3rd December

"I had my appointment at Cotswold House today. I'd made it a fortnight ago on the understanding that if things were no better (or worse) I would accept the bed they were offering me. So I didn't take my toothbrush. I took a copy of the 'Pounds for Pounds' challenge and was quite prepared for her (Nikky Boughton) to tell me she thought I was barking. But I think she could tell something had changed and that I am set on giving this a go. Plus the fact that my weight has stabilised. So we've left it that I'll go back and see her regularly (my next appointment is on the 20th) and if this doesn't work, I'll consider going in. Although Hannah has suggested taking some photos of the place for the scrapbook, quite frankly, I couldn't wait to get out of there and fled as soon as my appointment was over."

Lizzie's diary, 2nd December 2007

Diary entry: 2nd December

"Finding writing anything difficult. Not because things aren't going well, more that I still feel in transition. On one hand I'm relieved that my weight has stabilised for 3 weeks running but on the other, I just want to get a wiggle on with this. Can't I just wake up tomorrow and be better? I don't want to have to go through the weight-gaining process again. That awful beached whale sensation, the feeling of such fullness that you think you're never going to eat again - and the next meal is hurtling towards you. But I got through it before - I remember going from half to full portions at the Priory, I got used to it. Maybe I should revisit Dr. Brian Roet's 'Requirements for Change'. (Sand pit and rake optional.)"

Lizzie's diary, 1st December 2007

Diary entry: 1st December

"I don't know what to write. Am I just kidding myself and everyone else that I can do this? I've got to make a quantum leap in terms of what I'm eating. Ok, I'm having a bit more here and there but I've got to do something major and see what happens. If I don't like it, I don't have to do it again. I don't understand what is stopping me. Earlier I was really hungry and should have just had something to eat but for some reason I couldn't justify satisfying myself. Why? Why do I keep putting it off? Even now I'm delaying lunch as much as possible. God, I'm confused. And what makes it even more frustrating is that I know damn well that the confusion is exacerbated by the semi-starvation. Vicious circle. Chicken and f**king egg."

Weigh-in: 4th December

Having had a week of good news for Lizzie with such a fantastic distinction in Grade 2 piano and an invitation to the RSA, a drop of 0.1 kg this week has rather put a dampener on things. What has made it slightly more irritating for Lizzie is that she was convinced that the positive attitude that she's maintained all week, along with a general feeling of having eaten more each day would have lead to a gain.

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Unfortunately it was not to be, and now we need everyone's support please. Obviously Lizzie is very disappointed and I'm sure it would help to hear some of your thoughts and words of encouragement. This week is all about that elusive first pound, and the more incentive she has with reminders of how you're all behind her, the more likely it is that the scales will tip in the right direction. Click on the link below which states how many comments have been left and it will guide you through how to post a comment - and remember to leave your name!

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Diary entries will follow when I can get my hands on them. I'm sorry that there can't be an update everyday and I know you'll all be tuning in to hear the next installment - it's far more worthy than Eastenders or Corrie!

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The sponsorship totals are still on the increase but please keep letting people know so that they can get on board and chip in with their support (and their cash!). We'd like to reach the new target of 25k if possible. Some of your friends may not like to use computers and since our efforts to contact people so far have relied on e-mail, word of mouth from everyone will go a long way to recruiting more bodies.

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Total amount per lb of weight gained: £956.81

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Total amount to be raised if target of 21 lbs is reached: £20,092.97

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There are still a few people who haven't given me their Pounds for Pounds figure. If you wouldn't mind e-mailing me (hannah@hannahshergold.com) or calling me (07729 219590) it'd be great to keep on top of the totals. If you're unsure about how to work out what you'd like to pledge, please read one of the previous posts entitled "The donation system" and it'll tell you all you need to know.

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So get commenting everybody. Fingers crossed for a gain next Tuesday!

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All the best,

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Hannah

Lizzie's diary, 30th November 2007

Diary entry: 30th November 2007

"Well, that was unexpected, to say the least. I don’t know which to write about first. I got Distinction in my Grade 2 piano exam!! Not quite sure how. My gob is smacked (and I know Barry and Hannah’s are too). Completely unexpected and certainly unmerited but I’ve got the (sus)tificate to prove it. Hannah must be dead chuffed – I’m so glad I did ok for her sake – all her hard work paid off. And Nikky really helped as well – that Sunday afternoon when she listened to my scales was a big turning point. And Barry helped too – his incredulity at my inability to play the pieces off by heart made me buck my ideas up. But I actually don’t think I deserved a distinction and I know deep down that I charmed the examiner and he was a nice, kind guy. But it doesn’t change the result.

So on to surprise number 2. I felt pretty crap yesterday morning – tummy ache etc etc. So I’d kind of read this letter from the RSA and not really taken much notice. Then Barry rang and I started whinging (as I am wont to do) about this and that, and happened to mention the letter. Then the penny dropped and I realised that for some reason I have been invited to become a fellow of the RSA. I have absolutely no idea why, but there you go. Hannah thinks it is something to do with my PhD, but seeming as the letter was addressed to ‘Ms. E. A. Grimaldi’, I’m not convinced. Curious."

Lizzie's diary, 29th November 2007

Diary entry: 29th November 2007

"I should have mentioned the cake yesterday. I had mentioned that I’d love Hazel to make me a carrot cake (not entirely seriously – probably while I was munching a Frü one) so of course Barry goes and asks her to do so. Typical outcome though – too much!! Huge cake – what am I supposed to do? Portion control is a major ‘issue’ at the moment. Anyway, it turned out alright in the end, Hazel cut it up, took a piece, gave B and Stas some and I came away with the rest. Actually managed to eat most of a slice and really quite enjoyed (? maybe not the right word yet, perhaps ‘coped with’ might be more apt) it. I actually believe that she quite liked making it. And even if she didn’t, I’m going to persuade myself that she did. Not everyone resents doing things for other people. Some of us prefer doing things for others instead of for themselves. Maybe that is why I think this could work – I can’t disappoint people when they are being so kind to me. Still not sure why. Ok, I’m rambling now."

Lizzie's diary, 28th November 2007

Diary entry: 28th November 2007

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"In some ways I wish I’d never agreed to this. Too much, Hannah. I don’t think I’m going to be able to overcome it. And so many people have responded – I can’t back out. I need to change or this is going to be it for the rest of my life. I get so confused, I can’t think straight. I’m sick of feeling cold, empty, irritable, short-tempered, impatient and constantly on edge. I can’t sleep without pills, I can’t relax, I’ve lost the ability to get totally lost in something. My concentration is crap. I can’t even write this diary well. I want attention, then when I get it I want to be left alone. I look like shit. I’m embarrassed of myself. Surely these things should be some incentive to do something? What am I waiting for? I don’t even know anymore? I’ve lost touch with what I want, I don’t really enjoy anything. But what is the guarantee that things will be different with an extra stone on me?"

Lizzie's diary, 27th November 2007

Following the weigh-in on Tuesday Lizzie was quite disappointed not to have put anything on and said that she felt like she'd "fallen at the first hurdle". However, I think many people would agree that there will be no easy fixes to this 'issue' (a word that we have agreed not to use unless we raise our eyebrows and roll our eyes whilst saying it). To expect even a small weight gain in the first few days was ludicrous - Lizzie is still learning what she needs to do to maintain weight, let alone to gain it.

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The weight gain will come in time and until then we'll all just have to be patient. I know you're all itching to part with your hard-earned cash on the JustGiving website but hold your horses, I'll keep you posted!

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Hannah

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Diary entry: 27th November 2007

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"Not sure how I feel about the lack of weight gain. First of all a bit despondent, but now I’ve spoken to Hannah and Nikky I feel a bit better. It would have been nice to feel it was going to be plain sailing but when did I ever try anything easy? At least I can go to Cotswold House next week and tell them honestly that I’m doing something about it – after losing weight steadily for months I’ve finally stopped the rot and managed to maintain it for 3 weeks. Now I’ve got to make sure it starts going up. Feel a bit like a chipmunk though."

Lizzie's diary, 26th November 2007

Diary entry: 26th November 2007

"Ok, it’s my first evening on my own after embarking on this project and I’m worried. Worried that I’m not going to be able to keep the momentum up. I’ve got to stick with it. And finish everything. It’s going to be too easy to slip back into bad habits – throwing things away, kidding myself. Just get on with it. No chickening out."

Lizzie's diary, 25th November 2007

Wonderful news everybody - today Lizzie got the results of her Grade 2 piano exam (she is my pupil) and she passed with flying colours... a convincing distinction of 134 out of 150. Good ol' gal.

She's allowed me to post her diary entries for this week. It makes for some very interesting reading I hope you'll agree. Remember that you can post your comments underneath each post by clicking on the link that states how many comments have been left. These will will printed out and copied into the scrapbook.

Diary entry: 25th November 2007

"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts."

Arnold Bennett

"God this is scary. I don’t quite know how I feel about doing this. Exposed. Something I’m not good at being, but if I don’t do it now, when am I ever going to just f**king do it (in the words of the master). I’m amazed by the responses to my e-mail – I just don’t want to disappoint anyone now. This has got to be worth a try – anything has got to be better than admitting to failure again and going into that unit. I just can’t do it – but what’s the alternative? Stay like this for the rest of my life? I’m not going to like it but I’ve got to do it – like writing this diary – it’ll get easier won’t it? Surely by trivialising the whole thing it’ll make it more do-able. After all it’s pretty straightforward, and just because no-one’s done it before doesn’t mean it can’t be done. Nothing is impossible until you’ve really tried. And I don’t think I have really tried. Yet."

Sponsorship update

Thanks to everyone's fantastic donations there is now some serious incentive for Lizzie to gain weight:

Amount to be raised per lb of weight gained: £847

Total amount to be raised if target of 1.5 stone is gained: £17,794

Keep it coming everyone.

Thanks so much, Hannah

The donation system

Hello everyone, it's Hannah. I apologise to those that are still confused about how we'll be organising the donations. Here's what to do:

1: Decide the total amount that you would like to donate should Lizzie reach her 21 lb target in one year
2: Divide your total by 21 to give you your Pounds for Pounds figure and please forward this figure to me so that I can keep track of how much Lizzie will be raising.
3: WAIT... until further updates have confirmed that Lizzie has gained weight!!
4: Donate your Pounds for Pounds figure as each pound in weight is gained - we will keep you updated via this blog
...............(a) Send a cheque to Lizzie made out to her - she will then donate all the money she receives to the charity (she will still put the money forward in the most tax efficient way possible).
...........or (b) Donate on the www.justgiving.com/lizziegrimaldi webpage

If it is more convenient you could always wait until the end of each month or each three months and work out the total that you owe. We want to make this as simple as possible so please don't panic about it.

Has this made it clearer? If not then please don't hesitate to get in touch (hannah@hannahshergold.com or 07729 219590).

Many thanks again for all your support.

Hannah

Pounds for pounds - Lizzie Grimaldi's sponsored weight gain

For those of you who know me well this challenge may come as a surprise as I am not usually one to draw attention to myself. Most of you will know, or will have guessed, that I have been suffering from anorexia for nearly twenty years and in the last two years the condition has spiralled out of control. I now weigh 37 kilograms (or 5 stone 11 pounds in old money) and last Monday it was confirmed that a hospital bed has been reserved for me. Triggered by the fear of entering a hospital (again) for what is likely to be several months this news has spurred me to a last resort - a sponsored weight gain.

Sponsored Weight Gain

The method to this madness lies in the fact that I have not been successful in achieving significant or lasting weight gain for myself. I need another incentive and so I will be raising money for charity. I believe that this way I will have the motivation needed, (and also a little guilt), to complete small tasks, These things combined will, I hope, encourage me to complete the challenge on a day to day basis.

The Hospice of St. Francis

The charity that I have chosen to support is the Hospice of St. Francis in Berkhamsted, Buckinghamshire. This is a charity that is very dear to me as the staff there provided such wonderful support to my father. It is difficult for me to go into detail about my experiences there for obvious reasons but I feel that by raising money for this charity I can repay them in some way. More information about the fantastic work that the hospice does can be found at www.stfrancis.org.uk.

lbs -for- £s

I would be so grateful if you would sponsor me to complete this weight gain challenge. Not only will all proceeds go towards supporting such a fantastic and worthy charity, but the motivation for me to help them may just be the trigger I need to get myself back to a healthy weight. All sponsorship will be on a £-for-lb basis for one year. Whatever you feel you can give for each pound in weight that I put on would be greatly appreciated.

To give you an idea of the maximum I would expect to gain in one year, I would anticipate that 1.5 stone (21 lbs or 9.5 kgs) will be as much as I would realistically put on. That would take me to 7 stone 4 pounds, a weight which I have not been for many years apart from during a short rehab period in hospital. Each pound that I reach must be maintained for a period of one week before I can say that I have achieved it.

Please do not send me or promise me a lump sum of money. The responsibility is mine to earn this money for the hospice. Whatever you feel you might be able to give must be broken down to ensure that each pound in weight is rewarded. I am hoping to be able to collect any sponsorship money every three months, mainly so that I have a donation to give to the charities in the near future provided all goes well between now and February. I think this regular reminder of who I’m working for will be very beneficial.

I have also set up a fundraising page which can be found at www.justgiving.com/lizziegrimaldi but if you would prefer to donate online please remember to only donate an amount that is in direct proportion to the amount of weight that I have gained. Again, I need to maintain the incentive.

The ‘Diary’

In order to document my progress throughout the challenge I shall be keeping a diary which will be a combination of calm thoughts, angry outbursts, general comments for the day or week, and quotes etc. It will also contain information about my weekly challenges (more information will follow in due course). These challenges may seem easy to some people, but for me they will be individual battles that I must overcome within a limited time frame.

The book may even contain other records of my progress, such as receipts for certain meals that I have eaten or food that I’ve bought, hopefully achieving a scrapbook-type effect. The main purpose of it is so that in 3 months, 6 months, a year, or 10 years, I can look back on this experience and remind myself of where (and who) I don’t want to be. As you can imagine, half of the battle is to maintain a healthy weight once I have reached it, so any further incentives will hopefully help in this respect.

Monthly Updates

In order to keep all of my sponsors updated I shall be writing monthly updates. These will contain a short report with perhaps a few snippets from ‘the diary’ (minus the bad language). And, of course, they will have the results of the latest weigh-in and therefore how much money has been raised. The challenge begins on Monday 26th November from a starting weight of 5 stone 11 pounds and so I would really appreciated it if you would get back to me as soon as possible.

There will be times when things are not going well, and so I have enlisted the help of a friend to act as reporter. She is removing some of the procrastination process for me as I have found that the more I think about strategies or methods, the more I am likely to think of excuses not to go ahead with this challenge. Hannah Shergold is my neighbour and will be able to answer a few of the questions that I may find difficult to address. She can be contacted at the following e-mail address and telephone number, so I hope you will not mind copying her into any replies regarding sponsorship so that she can keep the records of the support given and money raised. Some e-mail snippets may even end up in the diary.

hannah@hannahshergold.com
07729 219590

Please feel free to contact Hannah at any time and please accept my apologies if I am not always forthcoming with how I am progressing. You will understand that the year to come will be much more of a mental battle than a physical one.

The Blog

This blog will hopefully allow people to check on my progress without having to ask those awkward questions or find the right time. Hopefully it will be me making the entries but if not then Hannah will keep you informed.

I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to read this far and I hope that you will be able to support me along this journey whilst simultaneously supporting this wonderful charity.

Yours truly,

Lizzie Grimaldi