Diary entry: 19th December
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"Why is it that European cities are more civilised than those in the UK? Such simple things like having home-made bread and a Dualit toaster at breakfast (alongside a chocolate fountain - but I suppose we are in Belgium). I nearly played up at lunchtime and we had to walk out of the restaurant, take a moment (for that read yell at each other, walk around the block, and kiss and make up) and then try again. I’ve got to stop hoping that Barry is going to know instinctively how to deal with me while I’m getting through this. It’s not fair on him. And he loves his food - could I really deny him steak frites and a glass of red wine?
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I had a lovely text from Mummy Stas saying that she had put a comment on the website and hoped I was feeling better. Well I certainly did after I received that. She is so kind. I still don’t know why she has adopted me but I thank my lucky stars she did.
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Why do I hate myself so much? And how do I manage to make such a mess of everything?
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Why do I hate myself so much? And how do I manage to make such a mess of everything?
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I don’t understand what happens. What comes over me. As soon as I feel under any sort of pressure, I panic. It’s so easy for people to wind me up before meal times. And I’m embarrassed to admit that I react by clamping my mouth shut. If I don’t want something why force it on me? I can’t bear the ‘have some bread’, ‘make sure you finish that’ etc. comments before I have a chance to start eating. Give me a chance. I’m fine when I’m not put under any pressure - like at breakfast I happily munched away at my toast and it didn’t occur to me to not have it. But I found myself bottling out at lunch and ‘dropping’ half my roll on the floor. Great. Needless to say, it didn’t go unnoticed. I manage to say and do exactly he wrong thing just by being.
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Thought about just giving up on this. But then I read the comments on the website, had a lovely text from Joanna and spoke to Nanny so my resolve is well and truly refreshed. Weighing tomorrow so I’d better make sure I make a super human effort tonight.
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I don’t know. I’m starting to wonder whether Barry is right after all and I can’t do this alone. I’m back down to 36.9 kg. I don’t think I can bear the ‘I told you so’ comments. Am I really strong enough to do this? Sod it. Of course I can. This has nothing to do with anyone else and I’m going to make damned sure no-one else bloody well ruins this too."
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Thought about just giving up on this. But then I read the comments on the website, had a lovely text from Joanna and spoke to Nanny so my resolve is well and truly refreshed. Weighing tomorrow so I’d better make sure I make a super human effort tonight.
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I don’t know. I’m starting to wonder whether Barry is right after all and I can’t do this alone. I’m back down to 36.9 kg. I don’t think I can bear the ‘I told you so’ comments. Am I really strong enough to do this? Sod it. Of course I can. This has nothing to do with anyone else and I’m going to make damned sure no-one else bloody well ruins this too."
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