Diary entry: 20th December
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"So much is happening and yet so little. In some ways I really feel I’m getting somewhere but then the scales say otherwise. I know that if I had been weighed on Friday it wouldn’t have gone down (and possibly would have gone up again). It was just those couple of blips that were to blame. Bother. Never mind, if I didn’t fixate on the gain last week, I’m damned sure I’m not going to get hung up on this loss. I need to take full advantage of this ‘festive period’ (Bah humbug) and just try to let go of my anorexic habits and even try to enjoy it. I’m sure I used to enjoy food. I’ve taught myself not to, now I’ve got to re-train myself and rediscover that enjoyment. Maybe I could get hold of some Valium. Or a frontal lobotomy.
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I was supposed to see the lady at Cotswold House today but she cancelled. I must admit I was relieved, but I know I need to keep going - even if it is just to give me a reality check. So I went to Tesco’s instead. Great. But I have to keep going through the motions - I can’t expect Barry to do all the supermarket shopping as well as everything else. I do find it very hard though and have to keep resisting the impulse to ditch my trolley and run out. When I got back, I bumped into Tony who has made me promise to put on weight next year. Oh all right then! Then Hannah came over. Apart from just talking (which gave me a well-needed kick up the bony backside) she gave me a letter from Nikky. Words fail me. She totally gets it and I have realised what it is to have a real friend. I am so lucky to have found them all. I just hope I don’t ever mess this up. She is just so. OK. I’m not going to diminish how I feel by putting it on paper. And I don’t have sufficient vocabulary anyway."
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I was supposed to see the lady at Cotswold House today but she cancelled. I must admit I was relieved, but I know I need to keep going - even if it is just to give me a reality check. So I went to Tesco’s instead. Great. But I have to keep going through the motions - I can’t expect Barry to do all the supermarket shopping as well as everything else. I do find it very hard though and have to keep resisting the impulse to ditch my trolley and run out. When I got back, I bumped into Tony who has made me promise to put on weight next year. Oh all right then! Then Hannah came over. Apart from just talking (which gave me a well-needed kick up the bony backside) she gave me a letter from Nikky. Words fail me. She totally gets it and I have realised what it is to have a real friend. I am so lucky to have found them all. I just hope I don’t ever mess this up. She is just so. OK. I’m not going to diminish how I feel by putting it on paper. And I don’t have sufficient vocabulary anyway."
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