Lizzie's diary, 12th December 2007

Diary entry: 12th December

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"Lots to write about. I guess I'd better start with the most important - I've gained 0.3 kg! So how do I feel? Relieved and surprisingly un-bothered. But also vaguely disappointed, it should have been more, but at least it's in the right direction. I kind of thought that the extra flapjacks and daily cheesecakes would have made more of a difference, perhaps I am still kidding myself. Although surely at this weight you don't need very much just to maintain it. Anyway, there is no point in analysing it or fixating on it. If I think too much about it I risk the anorexic gremlin kicking in telling me that I don't need to gain weight. So I'm not going to dwell on it. It's a 'good thing' and I will do it. I will, I must. It's too easy to revert to type, too easy to lapse into what I know best - losing weight, denying myself anything that I might, God forbid, actually enjoy. I've got to re-learn how to enjoy enjoying myself.

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So that's the weight gain 'issue' dealt with. Very badly, why can't I express myself better?

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Mim phoned on Monday evening. She has been angsting over how much to sponsor me. It doesn't matter, it's not really about the money with her - after all the Hospice means as much, if not more, to her and she gives to them regularly. And even if she were to give a million pounds per pound it wouldn't change anything. I know she would do anything to see me better again. All I need her to do is be there. Which she is, and she always has been. If I think she has said or done the wrong thing it is more my failing than hers. I think she is also concerned that if she puts a figure on it, she could be judged for it - 'What? You only value your daughter's health that much?' No, it's probably better is she doesn't. No-one could possibly know how she helped me through it before. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want anything to do with it. We've left it that she is just going to keep phoning and keep nagging!

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So on to the interview. Christa came to the flat yesterday afternoon and spent a couple of hours with me. We just chatted with the tape running. She obviously has a major eating disorder herself so I hope that doesn't influence what she writes too much. I think she wants to get the message across that this isn't just an illness of teenage Size Zero wannabees - it can affect anyone at any age and for many different reasons. I'm a bit wary of her though and have ensured I have full copy approval.

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The photographer came this morning (and yes, I exploited their offer of hair and make-up. Shallow? Me?). They were so nice, I just hope they've managed to make me look less ghastly than I do. Don't know why but I'm feeling really flat today. Possibly a slight hangover (thank you Cristal). Hannah wanted me to go to a pub quiz with them. I can't think of anything worse. I just want to be on my own. Last night was great but it still feels like a performance. Tits and teeth."