Diary entry: 11th March.
Boring boring boring. What a waste of a week. No gain at all. Not surprising I suppose- I have let things slop a bit - the odd snack here and there. not even an E for effort then. Must try a lot harder.
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I'm feeling very lost. Hannah is rushing around like a blue a**ed fly trying to get her stuff off to Dubai so I don't feel I can pester her. She hasn't really got the time to hep me at the moment and is on a bit of a short fuse. She thinks it is so straightforward, and so it should be. But if it were then I would be better by now. She cannot understand why I let the snack slip, and if I think about it during one of my (admittedly rare) lucid moments, nor can I. But slip it did, and reinstating it has not been easy.
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If we are going to have any hope of going on Sunrise at the beginning of April, something has got to happen asap. I can't keep going on like this; it is doing my head in. I feel trapped and can't fight my way out. I've used up all my lifelines, tested everyone's patience to the max. Everyone has done everything they can, now it is my turn. Stop procrastinating, deflecting, blaming; just get on with it. JFDI.
5 comments:
Boring.
But seriously, Lizzie...it's been too long, you haven't yet managed to put on 1 pound in a week, you must still be under 6 stone. I know you have been trying really hard but your weight is still DANGEROUS. How about a short hospital stay to at least get things seriously moving? This is NOT a failure, you will have learnt alot from this that you will be able to put into effect later on, but I think while you are still this weight it is too much for you and you need more intensive help. Please take care of yourself. Love Mary
Lizzie,
I remember reading about your story when this all started up last autumn. It has been quite a few months since…and I still see no weight gain.
Please don’t think of me as one of those ignorant people out there who make you feel worthless. I am a fellow sufferer of anorexia, and I find it hard to believe that this is a genuine attempt for recovery.
Raising money for charity is a fantastic idea. Raising money for charity alongside your weight gain however is not. It will not buy you recovery. If anything, you will be back at square one, if not a quite a few steps behind that, and I find it hard to believe deep down that you think this will free you.
I have been hospitalised and as we both know, the weight gain process is petrifying, and I don’t even think I can describe the feelings and emotions involved. I came out of inpatient care after gaining a forced steady 1-1.5kg a week, and the weight slowly but surely fell back off. I am still a long way down the road to recovery, but have realised now that it is my decision, my active choice and something that I have to do for myself. By doing this you will not recover mentally, and if you did gain weight, how temporary would that be?
It is a long, nasty, trek of a road, a never-ending one it seems, but I now know that by my own efforts and by getting better myself that one day I will reach the end of this road. And with this new approach I have adapted to, yes, I can already see things very differently.
Please don’t fool yourself and others around you, finding outside motivation is an excuse to keep the anorexic fire burning.
I wish you all the luck with your road to recovery, but please, firstly make sure that you are doing it for YOU.
I'm so touched and impressed by everyone's response to this. We all know in our hearts that Lizzie is going to have to go in to hospital for a while, but she had to find this out for herself and I think she is beginning to believe. There has been a particularly moving plea from her friend Tracey just to stop trying to fight this without the right sort of help. It's tempting to think that this was just Lizzie's way of avoiding the issue but I don't believe that. I think she genuinely thought that she could do this just with her hugely powerful will - but the anorexia is still proving stronger. Let's all send subliminal thoughts that she should just let the experts take the strain - it will be such a relief, for her and all who love her.
Exactly, this is like someone with two broken legs trying to climb snowdonia, it doesn't mean they'll never be able to do it, but not while their legs are broken
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