I went to see Nicky B yesterday, really to talk about how things are going and where we go from here. I am wondering whether she was right and that we were naive to think we could do this alone. Despite our initial enthusiasm and conviction, interest has waned. I am not ready to take the reins yet but by assuring everyone that I am doing ok I risk sliding down that familiar snake. Trying to please people, being a good girl. I am a nuisance and an irritation. Maybe I do need to be in a situation with continuous, experienced support instead of muddling through in the belief that I know best. But the rest of the army is not out of step.
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It is at times like this that I just want to curl up in a ball and withdraw.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Lizzie's diary, 12th March 2008
Diary entry: 12th March
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3 comments:
Lizzie -
I truly hope you will admit yourself to the hospital. It is the right thing to do. After helping my daughter recover, I realized that anorexia was not something she chose for herself, nor was it something she could choose to recover from on her own. Even though she knew what she should do, she simply COULD NOT do it on her own. I wont lie the process of getting her weight restored wasnt easy. But once she was through it, her life changed for the better. My daughter was very similar to you - trying to be a good girl, trying to please people - but always feeling like she somehow fell short. You are not a nuisance or an irritation. You are a a woman who got sick - not your fault.
I left you a rather mean post a few days ago - screw charity and all that - but honestly - you must get professional help. Once your weight is stable, keeping it on will be a challenge - perhaps we could all support your charity for remaining weight restored once that happens. I truly wish you all the best. I do support you - but the reality is you cant do it alone, no matter how noble your intentions. As I said before, if you had cancer, no one would expect you to just decide to get better. You would need porfessional medical intervention. Scary, yes, especially to the anorexia. But admitting yourself will be a bigger blow to the anorexia than anything you have done so far. So, if you want to win the war and not just torment yourself with small battle after small battle, go inpatient ASAP! Much love your way - CM
After a long battle with anorexia myself (over 10 years), i have finally managed to almost recover. I've been into hospital several times (and always relapsed immediately), but the only place that was really helpful was cotswold house. That was my last admission, 2 years ago, under Nicky B. She is great, as is the treatment process in Oxford. Given that you have'nt made any real progress for MONTHS, i would really recommended you admit yourself for a short period. GOod luck.
Are you getting anywhere achieving
this on your own?. What has happened with the food intake this week?. Maybe just to talk to someone who can really give you sound
advice. Take care. xxx
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