Diary entry: 3rd March
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I’m worried by how tempted I am to cut back. I really struggled with making my lunch today – taking the extra slice of bread out, putting it back, taking it out again. Do I have one whole sandwich with minimal crust trimming, or 1.5 with plenty for the birds?
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I managed to overcome the temptation and had the extra half, but it has depressed me how easy it is to slip into back ways if I am not constantly vigilant. My OCD is getting bad too – I drove Barry to distraction at times over the weekend with hand washing, tidying, straightening and other such eccentricities.
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He seemed to be more patient this weekend. I don’t know whether it is because he can see I’m trying and that it could be working, or what. But whatever the reason, I just hope it lasts and hopefully it will keep improving just as long as I do.
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I felt very alone this evening with only my behaviours to keep me company. Somehow it just brings them into focus and it is so frustrating not to be able to conquer them. Do they have to get worse before they get better? Or are they going to get worse full-stop and never go away. I'm sick of this going on and on. I'm sick of being sick. Go away.
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Weighing tomorrow. i guess with all that has been going on, I should be happy to at least have maintained. But that will be so dull. What if I have put on more than the requisite pound? Or if I've lost? I don't know what to expect.
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2 comments:
Lizzie -
Sending out patience and compassion for what you are going through! What more can I do? You are on my mind a lot - and I dont know why - but I really hope you get better. I guess its hard for me to visualize your pain, because I have seen it first hand, and I know that if you would only get your weight up, things would be so much better for you. You really MUST up your intake - it will be hard, but in the long run, if you dont, it will be even harder. Sorry about the OCD - hope your hands arent getting dried out from the washing - I am glad to hear your H is being more patient. I hope he realizes its not your fault - you arent doing it on purpose - and you cant help it. Hang in there!
Hi Lizzie
Well done on the gain, at least you are consistenly gaining now! Don't worry about the OCD, these things come and go, just rest assured to know that once you are more on the road to recovery they will settle down, as you going through a stressful period of getting used to eating more, and particularly as you have been facing this alone recently, it is only to be expected the OCD would flare up, try not to worry about it. If Barry is moaning about them just wack him over the head with a saucepan!!! (I do feel for him too). Try to eat more calorie rich food, I'm not sure that tormenting yourself with dried cranberries and nuts is going to be all that effective! I can't imagine myself gaining weight eating foods like that... But well done, even though it's not a huge amount, you have still gained, so that is the main thing. Ramp it up a bit, and things will then get better faster for you. Best wishes, Mary x
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