Diary entry: 4th March
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Another 0.2kg gain. I think that is pretty damned good for such a hard week.
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I'm not sure how I feel. Should I be pleased, disappointed, relieved? What? I know it is good, and particularly in light of Hannah's absence, but a part of me is troubled. I haven't really made any big increases (well no increases if I am totally honest) so why has the weight gone up? But it's good that it has, right? But will it keep on going up? Hang on, I have at least been eating 3 decent meals plus every day, under my own volition, so in some ways it is surprising it hasn't gone up more, right? Or is it?
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To dispel this cognitive dissonance I phoned Nicky at Cotswold House. She was the very voice of reason and has made me feel less anxious. Not least by pointing out that if I was in hospital they would want five times that amount gained in a week. And also that the quicker it goes on, the shorter the time that I have to suffer this (no shit!) But sometimes it just takes someone else to reiterate the blatantly obvious.
Another 0.2kg gain. I think that is pretty damned good for such a hard week.
.
I'm not sure how I feel. Should I be pleased, disappointed, relieved? What? I know it is good, and particularly in light of Hannah's absence, but a part of me is troubled. I haven't really made any big increases (well no increases if I am totally honest) so why has the weight gone up? But it's good that it has, right? But will it keep on going up? Hang on, I have at least been eating 3 decent meals plus every day, under my own volition, so in some ways it is surprising it hasn't gone up more, right? Or is it?
.
To dispel this cognitive dissonance I phoned Nicky at Cotswold House. She was the very voice of reason and has made me feel less anxious. Not least by pointing out that if I was in hospital they would want five times that amount gained in a week. And also that the quicker it goes on, the shorter the time that I have to suffer this (no shit!) But sometimes it just takes someone else to reiterate the blatantly obvious.
6 comments:
Well done, Lizzie!
I don't want to be patronizing...but I'm still reading your blog every time it's updated and it makes me smile to know you are getting somewhere...especially given how hard you are fighting. The gain is a reflection of your strength.
Keep at it!
Ruth
Lizzie,
Well done. I too find myself looking forward to reading your blog and finding out how you are doing. You are truly inspirational in the way that you are choosing to overcome this, and I can honestly say that I see a huge change in the tone of your diary messages since you first started posting - definitely far more positive and showing more strength every week, and that in itself must be proof that you are winning. Keep all your efforts up. The weight gain may be happening slowly, but it is happening, and I look forward to seeing you win over this nasty illness.
Amy
You know - I am not giving you a well done. The fact is, you need to be gaining AT LEAST double what you are gaining - every week. I know you are trying - but I question if a person as ill as you are can really do it without professional help. I think that giving to charity is honorable, but in this case, I think its an anorexic ploy to stay out of the hospital. Screw chartiy - your life is at stake. Please get the help you need - now. These baby steps have gone on long enough - its obvious it is too hard for you, and thats OK. No one would expect you to recover on your own if you had cancer. Get medical intervention. Please. I know this sounds harsh and mean - but sometimes the kindest thing you can tell someone is the truth - even if it hurts. Sorry.
Lizzie - whatever you decide - know that there are loads of us out here caring about you. Big virtual hugs.
Lizzie,
Another gain and WELL DONE.
OK, so it is a small gain and you are continuing to struggle - but you are struggling to some purpose and this must be encouraging to you - it is certainly encouraging to us!
The idea that the more progress you make, the easier this will become is a very positive one.
Procrastination - no, no, no (sorry - Amy Winehouse on the radio in the background) - JFDI
Love
Huge
Lizzie -
Sorry for the harsh tone of my post - I do give you points for trying - and I know that you are sincere. When I said your charity idea was an anorexic ploy - that may have been hurtful, and for that I am sorry. The thing is, I have been in the trenches with my own darling daughter. I know you want to help yourself, and I know you are trying to. Its just that, I know you cant. You DO need professional help. In my experience, dealing with anorexia was like dealing with two people. My wonderful daughter who would never want this kind of life, and the anorexia - who could devise all kinds of ploys to avoid what was needed - even if it seemed noble. You see, noble intentions were how it all started for my daughter. She wanted to be healthy - she started eating more fruits and vegetables and began cutting out the so called "bad foods." At first, I so admired her discipline and self control. But soon she was on a slippery slope to ill health - because she began to restrict more and more - and before we knew it, her very life was at risk. At her sickest -she was simply not capable of recovering on her own. Now that she is weight restored and has been given the tools to continue her progress, she is able to choose health on her own. That is what I want for you and all sufferers of this horrible illness. You seem like such a nice and interesting person from the little I have read - and you seem to have the opportunity for a FANTASTIC life - you are so lucky in so many ways. If you can get over this illness the sky is the limit! I do wish you all the best - but PLEASE get the help you need. Nothing you could do could be more noble or courageous than that, Lizzie.
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