Diary entry: 13th March
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Nicky gave me a summary the Keys paper which documents the Minnesota study of the 40s and 50s in which the effects of starvation on the behaviour of 36 young healthy men with no prior history of psychological disorders were observed. They were studied during a period of normal eating, during a longer period of severe restriction and after restriction was lifted. The findings are fascinating - bearing in mind the effects were a direct result of starvation - the men were not anorexic per se. Which begs the question, if you are genetically predisposed to it, can severe restriction actually induce anorexia or at least anorexic behaviour? Although the individual responses varied enormously, they all suffered dramatic physical, psychological and social changes.
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So many of the changes are just too familiar for comfort. Or perhaps I should be reassured - perhaps I am not a total nutter after all. Just starving.
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One of the most profound changes observed was in the men's attitude to food and eating - not only did they find themselves unable to concentrate on normal things (being plagued, as they were, by thoughts of food) but they started to adopt wheat could be called "behaviours" such as eating very slowly (guilty your honour), making unusual concoctions (not unless you count Chorlicks) and general bad table manners (licking my knife? picking crumbs? mea culpa) A few of them binged, and although the majority eventually went back to eating normally, some found it hard to assess exactly what normal was.
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Nearly all of them were depressed.
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Their previous tolerance was replaced by irritability and angry outbursts. They were anxious and many started biting their nails and/or smoking. They were apathetic (tick) and worryingly began to neglect areas of personal hygiene (does my breath smell?)
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Another aspect of the starvation was the shift in their social behaviour - they became progressively withdrawn and isolated which is something I feel myself drawn to when I'm down.
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Their concentration, alertness, comprehension and judgement were also......
Oh yes, also impaired.
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And so it goes on. I can tick so many boxes - decreased strength, hypersensitivity to noise and light, parasthesia, decrease in metabolism. one man said he felt his body was burning on the lowest flame possible to conserve precious fuel and still maintain life processes. Luckily, in rehab, their metabolism speeded up again. Phew.
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Unsurprisingly they were physically feak and weeble, however one or two went into Duracell bunny mode. Been there, done that.
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Take home message? That many of the symptoms I have are a direct result of the starvation rather than a manifestation of the AN; and that the most important thing at the moment is to restore my weight to a more normal level.
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But worryingly, those men's relationship with food did not return to normal even after the period of restriction ceased - in the short term they felt out of control and couldn't assess when they were hungry or full, symptoms which persisted even after normal weight was restored and in some cases took years to normalise.
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Very, very interesting though.
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Buoyed up by my conversation with the unbelievably divine Huge, I developed another snack tactic. Last weekend I had really questioned why I felt such guilt at playing the free-with-The-Times Scrabble CD-ROM. So to assuage the guilt I accompanied it with a cup of tea and a flapjack.
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I lost the game but won the battle.
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4 comments:
As a fellow recovering anorexic, I have also found the 'Minnesota starvation study' an immense comfort because it explains so perfectly my own experiences and shows that, as you say, Lizzie, we're not nuts, just starving. That is why I really do believe that anorexia is a physical illness, not a mental one, at its roots... psychological distress may start an individual off on the path to weight loss, to begin with, but it is this weight loss which physically triggers these responses in some individuals who then go on to develop anorexia. That's the way I see it, anyway.
But you know what? I also think that it works the other way round, and that is that we need to restore our weight before we can think about any other issues which might have made us ill in the first place. In other words, it's irrelevant to ask "why?" and try to sort that out before we are sufficiently weight-restored, because the problem is physical and chemical in the body, not all in the mind as some would have you believe.
Keep going, Lizzie. I'm cheering you on.
Yes - the starvation study explains so much. As my daughter became weight restored, the disordered thinking, rituals and odd behaviors vanished - slowly - one by one. Yes, her brain was starving. Deprivation gives me a bad feeling - but not so with d. That is the difference for those pre-disposed to AN. For whatever reason, restricting felt good to my d. Also, did I mention my grandmother was anorexic? A possible genetic link? Once d was weight restored, the brain leveled out and now she is "normal" when it comes to eating, enjoying food, etc. She is still rigid about things, a perfectionist and anxious at times - she is working on these things. But, none of it could be worked on until her brain was re nourished. No, she wasn't/isn't crazy - but she did suffer from starvation psychosis. I am sure it rings a bell with everyone who has been there or has a loved one there. So - which came first - the weight loss or the anorexia? For my d - I think her desire to be perfect (the ballet body) and the beginning of womanly curves (which she did not want) led her to try to "eat healthy" which led to weight loss, which felt good to her. Add to that intensive training for 5+ hours a day for 5 weeks (over-exercise), the euphoria of restriction she felt, not wanting to veer off the path of her "perfect diet" and mal-nutrition setting in - now you have a case of anorexia. But really - does the why matter? No! What matters is that she was lovingly forced - against her will at the time - to eat. And little by little she began to get better - until all the demons and fears about food were melted away. Recovery is a beautiful thing once you get there, but the journey isnt always plesant. Unfortunately, if the anorexia persists for too long, it can become more chronic and harder to over come. The sooner you get treatment, Lizzie, the better. Don't wait another day.
Also, it is important to make sure that enough weight is gained - it doesn't mean the least possible weight for height. It means the return of periods and the end of disordered thinking. If the thoughts persist - enough weight has not been gained. Many times in-patient programs let people go when they are weight-stabilized. This may not be actually weight-restored. If the disordered thinking is still present - it can lead to relapse. It is critical to get the weight up enough to silence the anorexic thinking.
This is interesting:
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/anorexia-bulimia-genetic-code
Keep at Lizzie- you can do it. I
am willing you on.xxx
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