Diary entry: 15th March
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Tears are the symbol of the inability of the soul to restrain its emotion and retain its self command (Henri Frederic Amiel)
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My moods and emotions have gone completely haywire. Why is this happening? Surely I should be more stable now my nutritional status is improving, not less. I seem to have spent the last few days dissolved in floods of tears.
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I have managed to make up for Fridays blip and just hope it has not an adverse effect on my weight. I cannot afford to mess up, time is running out.
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I had another outpouring of emotion at lunchtime. Unquiet meals make ill digestions.
2 comments:
Lizzie -
It is no surprise that your emotions have gone completely haywire. In the beginning of recovery, as you gain weight, your moods will get worse, not better. It isn't until you are weight restored for a period of time that you will restore the proper brain chemistry.
Lizzie, the cold hard fact is that your weight gain is too insignificant to have improved your nutritional status. You are still in great danger - your life is at stake.
Lizzie, I don't know you, but I know the illness. Please, please stop torturing yourself and get medical intervention. I know you want to get better - why not let go and let someone else worry about your needs when it comes to food? Surrender yourself and make the decision to trust your caregivers - it will be a relief once you do it. Its OK to get the help you need. I think it is the only way.
It is obvious you are not eating enough - you are not gaining at the rate you need to in order to recover.
I am just trying to be honest with you, Lizzie. I think you are incredibly brave. I respect what you are trying to do. But, once again, I must say, if you had cancer, it would be ludacris to try to will yourself better. You would need medical intervention. Anorexia is just as serious. It is not a matter of choice. It is an illness you have no control over, contrary to popular belief.
All the best to you.
I have to agree with cm, Lizzie. Her daughter got better without being in hospital because her mother was there 24/7 making her eat, doing the job of hospital staff. Barry is away during the week and Hannah can't be there all the time, so you are in a very strained position to be dealing with this! It sounds like things are really hard for you at the moment, so ask yourself could they be that much worse in hospital anyway? For a month even?
I hope you are feeling a bit happier, and well done for keeping up the efforts.
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