Diary entry: 11th February
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I really, really do not want to go to this appointment at Cotswold House but I know I need to, if only to remind myself what I am trying to avoid. Hannah has said she will come with me, although why I should inflict it on her, God only knows. I don't really know how to approach it. Maybe I should stop thinking about it and winding myself up and just get on with something else. Like what? Eating? (again already)
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This is not going well, my stomach is doing somersaults. I've dosed up on the RR but it doesn't seem to be working. Bloody homeopathic crap. Where's the real stuff? Despite having to eat it earlier than either of us wanted, Barry and I had a dejeuner sur l'herbe (somehow a cheese sandwich out on the deck doesn't have the same ring to it) and it was lovely. Sun shining, just talking. And it was really, like, normal.
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Well we went [to Cotswold House] and I don't know what to say really. I get the feeling Hannah has had enough, which is slightly demoralising. I know I can't expect her to be optimistic whatever, but I am starting to feel like she is doing it slightly grudgingly. Which is not to say I blame her. She must feel pretty fed up herself - as though she is the only one who really wants it, and that I am not fully committed. But I am. I have to be now. And I think one thing that has come out of today is that I need to get a wiggle on, dragging it out is going to make it more painful for all involved. If I've got to go through feeling like this (and I do, whether it is here or in hospital) I may as well force myself to feel a bit worse. Is adding two more snacks together going to be worse than one this week and one the next? It is not going to be easier waiting until I am used to it - I probably never will be. Someone likened it to ripping off a plaster. Do you ever remember it being less painful if you picked it off gradually? But we are not really going to know anything until we see what the scales say tomorrow.
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Nikky (Boughton) emphasised that at a BMI of 13, it was nigh on impossible to gain weight as an outpatient and I can understand why. Even if one does manage to gain a decent amount one week, how do you continue to gain and prevent yourself panicking? Also as an outpatient there are too many opportunities to slip into old bad habits. So it is not going to work if I am not 100% committed, if I feel I have the option of bargaining, if I feel I have a choice. I don't. Either I do it completely or I don't. I cannot afford myself the luxury of choice. I have to stick to this regime, to Hannah's regime, unequivocally. I have to trust in her and do as she says. No question. The less I fight, the quicker and easier it will. Shut up and eat up. I'd have to if I was in there.
2 comments:
Lizzie -
Bravo on the last paragraph. Re - read it when you are feeling like you cant go on.
Hi,
I have also been treated by Nicky Boughton (her correct surname!) at cotswold house. Nicky is one of the best (and i have seen about 15 different consultants over the years) and the only one who has ever really helped me to recover. I'm a long way along the recovery road now, after several hospitalisations at cotswold house. The times in hospital were crucial to help me to gain weight - my admission wt was similar to yours and she is right, it is pretty hopeless trying to sustain weight gain at home at that weight. THe anorexia is too strong. It is worth a good go, but i would say that unless you can keep at least 0.5kg per week up consistently - and that means probably 2500-3000kcal daily - you should consider some time in hospital. Just a short spell for a kick start is best. As nice as it is to stay at home, i've found that only a situation where i have to eat is enough to beat the anorexia.
All the best - keep it up!
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