Diary entry: 5th February
.
I was right, I hadn't done enough. My weight was exactly the same. Boring. As Barry quite rightly said - people are just going to lose interest. Actually, I'm losing interest, got to do something dramatic this week or I'll be accused of procrastinating again.
.
"It is the unknown that excites the ardour of scholars, who, in the known alone, would shrivel up with boredome" Wallace Stevens.
.
Mim is right - I look ghastly. My face, which had always belied the fact that the rest of me is emaciated, is starting to look haggard. My eyes are sunken and embedded dark circles, and my mouth looks too big. Garry once said he thought I'd "had some work done". No - if the rest of your head resembles something from the Jivaro Clan, it's inevitable your features appear out of proportion. I need to do something, and fast. Carpe diem and all that.
9 comments:
I think you now need to give the first phase of this exciting experiment a deadline. Could I suggest 3 months from initiation? When exactly would that be? Later this month?
If you don't gain weight at all in that time then you need a period of in-patient treatment to get things moving. I don't think anyone would think less of you if, despite all your huge efforts and the care of your many fans, you got some more mainstream help for a while. You can always go back to this afterwards - no one says you have to be a martyr to the method!
Lizzie, I'm afraid I'm switching sides to the husband! It's just too long that you haven't put any weight on. You think you can exist at this weight, but you never know when things will start to go wrong. Remember that Brazilian model that died, she didn't die of starvation, other things started to pack up. As I mentioned I've been depressed for a couple of months, was not eating properly, was getting run down and getting colds all the time, and then I panicked and thought, I'm going to have to at least make sure I eat or I'm going to end up with real, real problems. So far we've been lucky that despite the abuse we bash out at them our bodies have kept on going, but we can't take that for granted. So I agree with Barry that you should seriously think about re-assessing the way forward. You've still got us with you, but if one day your blog posts stop appearing then we read that sadly Lizzie passed away, then that is going to finish me off altogether. And I don't want to think that I irresponsibly encouraged you. So - Lady - either start necking those clinutrens and ice-creams BIG TIME, or let someone else take over for a while to get things kick started. If so, we will miss you, but we'd rather you came back to us.
Hi, Lizzie. I don't think that you need to go into the hospital. But I do think that you need to do at home what would be done in an inpatient facility: rely on someone else to tell you what and how much to eat. I know how hard it is. I had an eating disorder when I was a teenager and I had a relapse a few years ago, in my 40s. I gained about 10 pounds in a year and could stand to gain another 15 or 20 (I'm 95 pounds, 5 feet 3 inches). Yes, I could live like this for the rest of my life. But it's a fragile and uncomfortable existence. I'm always cold, my bones are weak (I have osteoporosis), my skin is dry, and I look awful. And who knows how long my life will be? A couple of years ago, I had irregular heartbeats. Maybe that could have taken me out.
You can do this! But you need help!
oh Lizzy, I feel for you so much , barry and your other friends know you so much better than me and I have to admit they do have a point.This illness has been a lifelong battle for you I am worried that despite your strong desire to avoid hosipital input what they could do in a few weeks could be more than what gain you could get in a few months . You can beat this stay strong , all my love ,
Caroline x
Hi Lizzie -
Well done for all the good work so far, but you do need to be realistic. Weight gain only happens with eating more - you will know inpatient regiemes are at least 2500kcal/day (often a lot higher) and limited activity - you won't make strides until you commit to doing this. If you do i'm sure you won't regret it, so please don't waste this opportunity! Or if you think you need some extra support, think about a short admission (even as a day patient)
Good luck, but it is UP TO YOU
Lizzie,
I cannot usefully add to the debate about home or hospital. Personally I HATE hospitals - they frighten me - and I would do whatever necessary to avoid them. But, therein lies the key - doing whatever necessary, and whether you are able to do that at home....?
Your diary has taught me so much, not just about Anorexia, but about your humanity too.
The most important thing that I want to reinforce is that NO-ONE will think less of you if you do take the hospital route and EVERYONE supports you and wants you to beat this HOWEVER it can be done.
We are so impressed with (and proud of) the effort that you are making to beat this at home, and wish that it will work. But if you decide that need the physical boost that hospital will give to help kick start things, then go for it, and we will be there to support your effort.
Love
Huge
I'm not losing interest I can assure you.
I don't know anything about what you're going through I'm afraid so I can offer no useful advice, I only wish I could.
All I can do is to tell you that I think of you often, on a day to day basis, and wonder how you're doing. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better.
Lizzie - I have been trying to be an encouragement to you, but knowing what I know about the anorexic mind, I honestly think you need intervention. Someone with cancer can not "will" themselves better. They need medicine. Since food is your medicine, it is easy to rationalize that you can choose that for yourself. But you cant. The anorexia wont let you. Your body is not the only thing that is starved. Your mind is starved as well. Once your mind begins to get re nourished, your thinking will change, and you will no longer be under the control of this horrible illness. But, before that can happen, you must be weight restored for 6 months to a year, typically.
It wont be easy - but the most courageous and admirable thing you could do is admit yourself to the hospital to get some help in your fight. You are literally fighting for your life, Lizzie. The fact that you need added care is not a failure on your part. It is the reality that anorexia is not a choice or something you can control.
All the best to you! I am rooting for you.
I think the last comment said it very well. Don't let this illness take your life by a cruel suicide by increments. Fight for your life, Lizzie, whatever it takes.
Post a Comment