Diary entry: 2nd February
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I have this strange dichotomy. Part of me wants more care, part wants less. Part of me can't understand how little he wants to know about what is going on and part of me totally understands it. But unfortunately this is going on and until it is endured and resolved, it is not just going to disappear. However much we pretend, however long we go and play games, it's still here until we make it go away. I cannot get away from the fact that I have to eat more, I have to tolerate the feeling of eating more than I want, of having to finish everything and have dessert. I'm scared that I'm still tempted to duck out and not have what I probably should. I know how much I should be eating, I'm not stupid. Just scared. I'm scared of completely committing and scared of not committing. If I don't go the whole hog (oink) then I'm just prolonging it. And if I do commit? Then what? What exactly is it that scares me? Is it as simple as fear of the unknown? And why is that worse than the known? Try it, you might like it. And if you don't, don't keep doing it. Oh I don't know.
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If I'm functioning at this weight, do I really need to change? I need to really think about my motivation. Familiarity breeds contempt. No that's not the simile I'm looking for. Maybe familiarity breeds complacency. Well, something is making me think that perhaps I can exist at this weight. But that's all it is, Lizzie. Existing. Not living. I need another kick up the bony backside because I'm in real danger of re-calibrating my normality gauge.
1 comment:
My daughter was existing at her low anorexic weight. But, she was risking stunted growth, her heart rate was dangerously low, her back was covered in lanugo, she could not regulate her body temperature and on and on. She was ruled by her disordered thinking. Luckily, she had me, a loving mom, who took over and did the thinking for her. I MADE her do what I knew she needed to do. It was a fight, but as she became weight restored, the fighting lessened. And now she is better, and living life to the fullest, and eating all foods without fear.
Fear. Its natural to be afraid, Lizzie. You must face your fears. Defeat them.
Lizzie, you aren't a child, and no one can "take over" for you. (I guess that's what they do in a hospital.) These conflicting thoughts you are having are natural, but I urge you to fight them. The temptation to recalibrate your normality gauge is the anorexia talking. You must resist those thoughts. Anything that is counter to your increasing you food intake or gaining is anorexic thinking.
Lizzie - you are not comfortable at this weight - not the real you. The anorexia is what wants this weight.
Honestly, Lizzie, it may get harder before it gets easier, but it is worth it. You are worth it.
Consider this your kick up the bony backside. You MUST take your medicine - food.
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