Diary entry: 6th February
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Today has got to be the day I do something. I have to. I can't have another day like yesterday. Anything is going to be better than that chasm of despair I found myself in. Please try it. For Hannah, for the hospice, for your friends, for Mim, for Barry. For yourself. Stop thinking and start doing. And try to keep breathing, it helps.
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Why do i just want to scream? I'm like a raving lunatic sometimes. Irrational, illogical, irascible and irritable. Or like Regan O'Neill. Now undo the straps.
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Why do I want to fight what is good for me? I was determined today was going to be pivotal and it is. Testament to that is that at the time of writing, I am sipping Clinutren Number 2 (Grapefruit flavour since you ask) No half measures. If nothing changes this week, it's not going to. Yes I'll kick and scream at every new mountain of food I have to scale (although it would be easier for all involved if I got on with it quietly). I will feel better but I'm bound to feel worse first. There is no other way out. I've burnt my bridges now I've got to lie in them.
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There, as if by magic, the Clinutren is finished. Mind over matter. My face feels like it is burning up - cheeks have gone all pink. This will pass. Keep breathing, it's ok. Makes a change, feeling too hot. I don't like it though. I thought these things were supposed to be easily assimilated. Could have fooled me.
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There have been a few comments about the lack of weight gain and the pros and cons of hospital admission. All of them helpful especially from those who have been through this either themselves or with a daughter. Obviously Hannah and I have discussed it and know that if nothing changes this week she is throwing in the towel and I'll admit defeat. I have to remind myself that defeat isn't the worst of failures, the true failure is not to have tried. And have we tried! And I'm still trying (yes, I know, very trying. Ha ha) But failure can be turned into success if you learn from it. Picasso said that action is the foundational key to all success, so its a good job I have started doing something.
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I found myself asking myself why I was scared of enjoying my dinner. It was actually quite nice for a change (I have developed a habit of ruining whatever I make and then having to force myself to eat it, however dried out & desiccated it has become). But rather than enjoying it, I almost had to invent ways not to. Bizarre. I gave myself a good talking to (first sign of madness, talking to yourself. Muttering) and forced myself to return to the feelings of 'yes - this tastes nice'. Plus it's good for you, it's the right thing to do etc. etc. And I got on with it. Was I worried by the fact that, 2 Clinutrens down, I should be too full to merit enjoyment - I shouldn't be "hungry" for more. Or if I finish it I will be so full. It's not that hard so stop making it. The Clinutren did go down. You didn't cease digesting - the feeling did wear off. And you've really achieved something today. Don't spoil it now. And don't you dare be tempted to not do the same tomorrow.
3 comments:
Hello Lizzie! As a fellow 'recoveree' I understand all too well what you're going through and yes, people do feel worse before they feel better. Including me. But I DO feel better. If you can just get off the ground, the better you get, the easier it will become. Supplement drinks are (or at least, they are for me) a necessary evil - but even they become less evil, I have found. I want to say a HUGE "congratulations!!" on getting in your 2 Clinutren today though, because I know that's tough. One day at a time, right? Go Lizzie!
Well done, Lizzie. Keep going.
Lizzie -
I can not imagine the inner turmoil that you are experiencing. On one hand, you know what you should do, what you need to do, and on the other hand, you have the anorexia beating you up if you do it.
Lizzie, no matter what, you are not a failure. What you are trying to do on your own is incredibly difficult. The success is that you know you cant go on the way you are. You are trying to defeat AN blow by blow. And every time you resist the anorexic thinking, and recognize it, every time you force yourself to eat, you are defeating the anorexia. It is a process. It takes time.
Is it possible to change things up a bit, in terms of Hanna's help? Is it possible for her or someone to prepare your meals for you, and to sit with you while you eat them?
It was helpful for my daughter to have a distraction while she ate. Sometimes we ate while watching TV. It was also helpful that someone else took over the meal prep - because it relieved some of her anxiety. It took so much energy to prepare the food AND eat it while the anorexia was beating her up for it.
At first, the anorexia didn't like the idea of letting someone else prepare food. It wanted to know every ingredient in the food, and it wanted to control the portion sizes. My D could only see things through anorexia eyes. What was normal to the anorexia in terms of portions was not normal to a healthy person. It was difficult and an uphill battle in the beginning, but after some broken dishes, ugly words and thrown food, my daughter(not the anorexia) felt relief and safety when I took over. I had to encourage my D to just let go and trust me, because I loved her so much. It wasn't easy. The AN hated me for it, and fought me tooth and nail. But my love for my D was WAY stronger than anorexia. And together, we kicked AN to the curb.
In a hospital, you would have 24 hour supervision and support. You would not be in control of food at all. For an anorexic, that is actually a good thing, in terms of the food. But, I would want to avoid the hospital, too! So can you bring more support to your home? It may really help you, and still, you would be doing it "on your own."
Still cheering for you, and wishing you all the best.
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