Diary entry: 9th February
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"It seems to me that our 3 basic needs, for food and security and love, are so mixed and mingled and entwined that we cannot straightly think of one without the others. So it happens that when I write of hunger, I am really writing about love and the hunger for it, and warmth and the love of it and the hunger for it; and then the warmth and richness and fine reality of hunger satisfied; and it is all one." (M. F. K. Fisher)
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I do not like this feeling at all. I need to be able to talk it through with someone. I hate feeling full, it troubles me but I have no idea why. I know it is the right thing but it is very hard to cope with on your own. There is no-one I can talk to about it. Hannah's attitude (understandably) is just f*****g do it. I can sense the eye roll when I tell her how full I am, that I can't eat any more, that I feel sick, fat, whatever. And yes, it does sound psychotic sometimes. But this is an illness and although I am trying to get through it, I'm finding it hard to unravel all these knotted skeins of neuroses alone. I think I need to be talking to someone while I gain the weight. How do I stop myself panicking. How do I know when it is enough. How do I trust that what Hannah tells me I should be eating is right? Of course it is predictable that I will think it is too much, but what if it really is and totally unreasonable? I just about managed yesterday's quotient (less 1 snack) but I am not doing quite so well today. H said I'd better get on with it or I'll never get through it by bedtime. True, but doesn't really help on the angst front. I've had to invest in some Rescue Remedy (although I'd probably do just as well with an aliquot of Calvados) to try to calm myself down. But I still feel like a bloody munchkin. Pilsbury doughman. With currants for eyes. Will I ever feel hungry again?
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There is a Hawaiian saying that you shouldn't eat until you are full but eat until you are tired. Well I'm tired now. Jaw ache. I've hit a bit of a brick wall in terms of capacity today. Which is a shame, because yesterday was really good. But I couldn't cram any more in today, so am two snacks down. I just had to let it filter down a bit. I don't know whether it was panic, physical satiation or a bit of both but I had to ease off a touch. Still, I've done really well on the meals and Clinutren so it is not all doom and gloom.
1 comment:
Lizzie -
You feel troubled like anyone with anorexia would feel troubled. The process of recognizing the anorexic thinking is difficult. The fullness, the discomfort, the feeling sick or fat - all of it - is the anorexia fighting for control. And as you corner the AN, you may feel worse before you feel better. But, as Sir Winston Churchill said, "If you are going through hell, keep going."
How do you trust Hanna? You just surrender to her help. Don't question it. That type of blind faith isn't easy - but its necessary if you want to get well. You may feel vulnerable and frightened, but in a way, it will be a relief to the "real you" to let someone else worry about what is enough.
You are doing good, Lizzie. Everything you are going through is normal. Dont give up.
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