Diary entry: 31st January
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Over lunch to day Hannah asked me what my motivation was at the moment. Is it to get better or to stay out of hospital? That's a very good question and has got me thinking about my mindset over the past week or so. I think I had become focused on the deadline we had set ourselves and lost sight of the long-term goal and what it is that I really want from this. Which is to return to a normal life with a normal healthy attitude towards food and weight. Although I am learning that the range of what might be considered "normal" is far broader that I initially thought. Obviously I want to stay out of hospital but that must not be my sole aim. I can't live my life on the edge, constantly staving off disaster. I need to find a weight at which I am happy, but also one that allows me to lose a pound or two without initiating another crisis. What that weight is, only time will tell, and I have a feeling that my attitude will change as the weight comes on, and that I will become more acquiescent. At least I hope so. At the moment, 1.5 stone seems an enormous amount to gain. And 7 stone 4 feels an awful long way off.
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We are conducting an experiment with the Clinutren in an attempt to make it more palatable. So we are trying orange sorbet and vanilla ice-cream. Could be the next big thing. Perhaps we could have a cappucino of Clinutren or a Clinutren "foam".
We are conducting an experiment with the Clinutren in an attempt to make it more palatable. So we are trying orange sorbet and vanilla ice-cream. Could be the next big thing. Perhaps we could have a cappucino of Clinutren or a Clinutren "foam".
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I am SO cold. Just shivering. I thought eating was supposed to warm you up but I get terribly, terribly cold. I mean I've just had a hot dinner - salmon, potatoes and brocolli and I'm sitting here under a throw with my thermals and cashmere bedsocks, sporting a rather fetching pair of blue lips, a frostbitten nose and suffering from icecream head. I don't think I'll be sampling the sorbet tonight.
I am SO cold. Just shivering. I thought eating was supposed to warm you up but I get terribly, terribly cold. I mean I've just had a hot dinner - salmon, potatoes and brocolli and I'm sitting here under a throw with my thermals and cashmere bedsocks, sporting a rather fetching pair of blue lips, a frostbitten nose and suffering from icecream head. I don't think I'll be sampling the sorbet tonight.
5 comments:
Remember Lizzie it's not just fat you will be putting on, it will also be healthy muscle tone. I'm no expert so I don't know if that will happen automatically or to start off with it will just be fat (which is good, attractive and necessary!) or you will only put the muscle tone back on when you have recovered more and are able to do some exercise. What I'm trying to say is that putting on weight, although it seems a lot to you at the moment, it won't just be rolls of fat! It will be healthy and attractive. Think strong woman as in destiny's child kicking ass in the 'independent woman' video. Don't think attractive as the cold, miserable vacuous models on the cover of Vogue. They are only that way so they don't show up the clothes! Also, doesn't sound to me like you are eating enough! All sounds far too lean and healthy. What about adding in some biscuits and other such snacks? They are an easy way to get calories without making you feel too full. Maybe there is a compromise way rather than just relying on Hannah or being in hospital...could you be seeing a dietician as an outpatient? Well done on your efforts so far though!
I just had another thought...I had a friend stay with me who had been in hospital under section, we had the option of having a mental nurse come over every 2nd day to check she is taking her medication, so I wonder if you could have a nurse come round every few days to check on your eating progress? Would also be a chance for you to vent steam and talk honestly without worrying you are letting anyone down...
OK - you were freezing - so the anorexia used that as an excuse to not have the ice cream. You MUST fight the anorexia - don't give it an inch. If you are cold - why not have some hot cocoa. Here is a good, calorie rich recipe: 4 oz half and half cream, 4 oz whole milk, 2 tbsp chocolate syrup. Warm milk and cream, add syrup and stir.
Also, I suggest you stop weighing yourself. Let Hanna weigh you. Just focus on eating to get well. My daughter, now recovered, does not know her weight. She looks fantastic, and is actually heavier that her "goal weight" but numbers were hard for her.
Your goal weight should not be a number. When you are no longer having anorexic thoughts and you can eat all foods without fear - you are at the weight you need to be. My AN daughter wanted to be at the lowest weight that was considered healthy for her height. But, for her, that was not a healthy weight. As I said, she does not know her weight - and now that he is healthy, she does not care to know. She is beautiful, and no one would ever consider her to be fat.
Keep up the good work - keep fighting the anorexia. You are an incredible person - brave - strong - beautiful.
Just a little note in response to the previous comment - Lizzie 1 Gremlin 0 - I didn't forego the Clinutren altogether, just had it at a more Lizzie-friendly temperature!
Also as far as weighing is concerned - this is done on a weekly basis byt the practice nurse at our local surgery - I don't, nor do I ever intend to, possess a pair of scales.
Spawn of the devil.
So glad to hear it Lizzie - good for you! Next step - up your portion sizes...you can do it. I am really rooting for you. It is worth it to face your fears in order to have a wonderful life. These small victories add up to eventual health. Keep adding victories. I am proud of you.
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