Lizzie's diary, 13th February 2008

Diary entry: 13th February

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I wonder. Is it possible that I really am going to be able to get through this and lead a “normal” life? It’s a beautiful day – brilliant blue sky and sunshine. The sheep and horses are in the field and there’s a carpet of snowdrops in the garden. So to take my mind off dietary things, I walked into the village to post B’s Valentine’s card. I met a lovely lady who keeps chickens who gave me a couple of her eggs (her chicken’s eggs, obviously) “for my lunch”. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I wouldn’t be having them (egg sandwiches anyone? Brings back olfactory memories of school packed lunches and the embarrassment as you lifted the lid of your lunchbox and it was egg). But we will have them sometime. It was so…normal! That’s what people do. When I got back, I had a phone interview with “Moncrieff” of Ireland’s Newstalk radio. Despite predictable nerves, it was fine and he was lovely (with an accent to die for). I’ve asked them if they might make a donation to the charity so watch this space…
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Strange feelings. Saying goodbye to what I had become used to and trying to recognize whether these feelings are those of normality. I have to accept that these unfamiliar feeling have to be endured. I cannot know whether they are right or not, so I have no choice but to “sit with them” (ghastly expression, reminds me of Pinny of the Priory). Just get on with something else and perhaps the uncomfortable-ness of it all will go away. I know stuff happens during this gaining weight period, that my emotions will go haywire, that I’ll fight it, try to get out of it, feel huge, worry about how much and how quickly things are happening etc etc and as long as I recognize, acknowledge and accept that it is text book stuff, I can keep moving forward. I must not get hung up on it. Just sometimes I need to talk it through with someone who is not going to react with an eyeroll, a “typical ‘behaviour’” comment or with anger. So perhaps this diary is a good outlet for my deranged thoughts. No-one else is going to listen without prejudice. Whether or not it is “real”, I do feel full, fat etc etc – solid more than anything else and it is an uncomfortable alien feeling. But it is no worse than feeling detached, starved, empty, fractious and all the other things that restricting engenders. Or is it? Is this definitely the way I want to go?