Diary entry: 30th January
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Why do I manage to make a hash of everything, I manage to do and say just the wrong thing, when things are going right. When I think I can relax and get on with a situation , I'm wrong. When I think I can rely on someone, I can't. I mustn't say what I feel without it being judged - I have to remember to engage brain before opening mouth. But then it is my choice to expose myself in this way so I have to accept that my immediate reactions are not going to be palatable to everyone, particularly not to me. If I can read back on them and condemn them, feel ashamed and wish they could be unsaid/unfelt/unthought, then it is hardly surprising that others would be more judgemental. So what should I do? Should I pretend that I don't feel like that? Then I would be fake and a hypocrite. Which is worse? I just need to accept that it is normal, real and human. Not necessarily nice and certainly not an attractive quality and one of which I am proud. But real. And all I can do is acknowledge it, try not to do it again and move on. And quit festering.
1 comment:
Lizzie -
I am sure it is hard to be so exposed on this blog. It is a double edged sword. If it is any consolation, I will never judge you negatively. You are amazing, and this illness is not your fault. It is not your choice. My own daughter said the most ugly and hateful things while she was recovering. Sometimes she would throw things and get violent. But guess what - that wasn't her - it was the anorexia. She is better now, and a wonderful, sweet, caring person. Don't beat yourself up. Focus on re nourishing yourself - and leave the past in the past. What you said or did yesterday doesn't matter - live in the moment. Food is your medicine and you cant overdose!
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