Lizzie's diary, 29th January 2008

Diary entry: 29th January

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"Beware of people who don't eat; in general they are envious, foolish or nasty. Abstinence is an anti-social virtue" (Grimod de la Reyniere)

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I am thoroughly ashamed. I cannot believe I am such a bitch. I should never have thought, let alone written then posted those things about Hannah. How can I (almost literally) bite the hand that's feeding me? Sally is right, she doesn't deserve this. Horrid, ungrateful, ungracious, unappreciative, evil girl. I would not blame her for giving up on this, I just hope she doesn't. I have to remind myself that she is doing this for nothing and with no training. The least she should expect in return is my gratitude. She is giving me so much of her time - and for what? For my anorexic vituperative acerbity? Perhaps it would make it simpler if I was paying her. Not that that would give me an excuse to behave like that again, no money would make that acceptable. But it could provide some recompense for the time I am taking from her real work.

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I do need to explain to her why I reacted as I did. It is so hard to choose anything at the moment and it is just awful to be in a shop presented by shelf upon shelf of bread - all I want to do (as has happened on too many occasions) is drop my basket and run. I hate it. I just panic - it is easier to not buy anything at all. It is unfathomable and as I write this, even I can't think why it is so hard. But it is just an awful awful feeling. Like asking an alcoholic to go into an off-license and buy a bottle of fizzy water. It is totally irrational but it happens. And I guess in a way this is one shortcoming of this approach - I do have to buy and prepare my food. In a hospital situation all I would have to do is walk into the dining room, eat what is put in front of me and walk out again. I would also be able to vent my lunatic ravings to a nurse who was being paid to take my crap and could walk away from it at the end of the day. But I know which approach I want to take. So I had better start learning by my mistakes. I may not be able to control my emotions, but at least I can try to make them more palatable to those people about whom I care most.

Lizzie's diary, 29th January 2008

Diary entry: 29th January
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This is getting mighty boring - up by 0.1kg to 37kg. I guess with the funny tummy taken into consideration that's ok, but I could do with a big gain now. All the talking in the world is not going to make me better and the weight needs to go up now big time.

Lizzie's diary, 28th January 2008

Diary entry: 28th January
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I'm rather worried by the fact that I've spent most of this morning on the loo. I do hope it wasn't the chicken sandwich. Can't have been, no-one else has had any ill-effects and surely it would have been quicker than that. Nor can I believe it is the Clinutren, and dinner last night was totally risk-free (no shellfish...). I'm very aware that this could affect tomorrow's weighing and that we are fast approaching the end of month deadline. Perhaps we should hold off judgement day until next Tuesday instead. Good idea - gives me a few extra days. I am also very aware that people will immediately think laxatives so perhaps I shouldn't mention this. And it might not have affected it anyway so I'll defer judgement until I see what the scales say tomorrow.
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Over the weekend, Barry asked if I had Googled "Lizzie Grimaldi". Well, no, I hadn't, but when I did I was surprised to say the least. One thing I came across was a "forum" on an eating disorders support site. Basically a discussion between "carers" of people with eating disorders. It was very interesting and I found myself agreeing with practically everything they said. One ("Sheepie") picked up on the fact that I was exhibiting typically eating-disordered thoughts (no shit Sherlock) such as picking up on the typo in the Telegraph article saying I was a stone heavier than I am. I wish I could shake off all these anorexic traits, but unfortunately I have mislaid my magic wand. They still rear their ugly heads with frightening regularity and no doubt will continue to do so until I have gained a substantial amount of weight. The best thing I can hope to do at the moment is smother them but all too often they're too strong for me to suppress. What I have to remember is that these people are going through a similar but very different type of hell. They have to believe that their approach to their daughters (or wives, girlfriends, sons, whatever) illness is right and they are perfectly entitled to their opinions, however unfounded and uninformed they may be. After all, they don't know me or my situation and from the outside it does look unconventional and "a starting point for disaster". But I have made such progress and I cannot let anyone or anything detract from that. If this is the right thing for me, then great. I'm not saying its for everyone. Until we have unravelled the secrets encoded by out DNA, there is no way anyone can prescribe a cure-all for any disease - let alone one so multifactorial as this.

Lizzie's diary, 26th January 2008

Diary entry: 26th January
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I need to write something about what's been happening but I don't really know what. Suffice to say it's better than it was. Things sort of came to a head, burst and we're gradually clearing up the pus. I can't pretend it didn't happen, but in time no doubt I'll forget a bit and things won't seem so raw. I hope we won't just slip back into bad habits, but I'm going to work at preventing that happening. I really hope Barry is not going to assume we can carry on as "normal". He needs to change too - in the way that he deals with this problem. Even if I do have to go into hospital (God forbid) until such time I need his total support in the approach that I'm taking. And I have to tell him what form that support needs to take - in one word of preferably less than one syllable. He cannot know instinctively when to "interfere" and when to butt out, but he'll learn. And it won't be forever. It will get easier.
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Lunch today was a first and although it felt slightly contrived, we did it and next time will be easier. It is so much more manageable than it was this time last week - it's amazing how you body can get used to things (I've got to keep telling myself this. I'm really struggling with the Clinutren though. I hate to admit it, but I'll use every excuse not to take it. Not sure why, apart from the fact it tastes gross, makes me feel sick and fills me up too much...

Lizzie's diary, 25th January 2008

Diary entry: 25th January
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The rantings of Lizzie...
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I must admit I am getting pissed off with the lunch thing. What started off as "Right Lizzie - here's your lunch" has turned into me phoning Hannah to remind her we are out of bread followed by my trailing into Tescos to buy some (oh and while you are there, could you get...) I thought the whole point was to help me avoid having to choose the bloody stuff, prepare it and then eat the f****** cheese sandwich. I refuse to eat yet another stale doorstep so what is the alternative? Yeah maybe I haven't got anything else to do but I sure could find plenty rather that have to shop again. Why the hell couldn't she have thought of getting it. I know it's my problem and I've got to deal with it, but this ain't fair. What's the difference? And yes, I am cross, very cross, however unreasonable, it's how I feel.

Lizzie's diary, 25th January 2008

Diary entry: 25th January
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I can't just roll over. Curl up in a ball and die. I have to get through it and prove that against all odds it can be done. I cannot continue with this demi-life, this partial existence. There is so much more. There must be so much more. The comment from Ruth on the blog was wonderful - truly inspirational. I have to believe her. Actually, we've been really lucky with the response we have had (apart from a couple of anonymous ones questioning our responsibility. But we are not advocating this approach for everyone and yes, perhaps 7 stone 4 is sill underweight but its an achievable goal for me and is a darn sight healthier than 5 stone 11). I need to focus on the positive and ignore their negativistic attitudes and opinions. I have to surround myself with people who believe in this otherwise I'll go under. I really felt like giving up last night and admit, I didn't have the Clinutren but I think I'm back on track today. Not drowning, wavering.
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I'm not sure why that pissed me off to such an extent. Towards the end of my conversation with Mim, she questioned why I had to have cheese sandwiches (good question) and wanted to make alternative suggestions. Yeah well, if she wants to come over and make me something else, fine. But for now I'd rather not have to think and just get on and do it. It doesn't have to be 3 Michelin starred perfection. It's just lunch.
“Square meals, not adventurous ones, are what you should seek.”
Bryan Miller (NY Times Restaurant Critic)
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I felt rotten afterwards and had to phone her back to apologise for being snappish.
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I can't expect everyone to say the right thing - it's not deliberately done to upset me, it's just unthinking. I'm sure I say some really hurtful things completely unintentionally. And I am still supersensitive. My buffer zone is very small and I am too quick to overreact. I mustn't take thins so personally - it's not all about me. And I mustn't fixate on tiny minutiae. My concentration on little things blows them out of all proportion. Forget it. Gloss over it and it will disappear.

Lizzie's diary, 24th January 2008

Diary entry: 24th January
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I guess its to much to ask that I might have had a run of more than 2 good days. I've felt like absolute s*** yesterday and today. Hang on a minute. That's the good thing about writing a diary - you can look back on things and see how you felt. And yes, a month ago almost to the day I felt the same. Who said I didn't have hormones? Feel better now I've identified the root of all this evil. Why am I bothering to do this? I'm not getting anywhere. I can't keep hoping against hope that things will change. I've got to change them myself or stand still. I can't control other people's behaviour. Get over it.

Lizzie's diary, 23rd January 2008

Diary entry: 23rd January
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Bleugh. Clinutren. Gross

Huge thank-yous!!!

We'd both like to say a huge thank-you to everyone who has been in touch since our post last Thursday and also to the new sponsors who have jumped on board. The response was pretty amazing, and even the e-mails from people who perhaps don't agree with this method made for very interesting and worthy reading.

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Here are some snippets:

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"I think if Lizzie is able to put on weight without being in hospital then that is definitely the best way, as obviously being in hospital has not cured her before, and I think at this stage it is unlikely ever to. I agree that Lizzie needs to be able to learn to eat normally in a natural environment, if she is kept alive just by people forcing her to eat then that is no way to live! ... I would also add, Lizzie should never let anyone 'write her off'. Yes, she has a disease, and to some extent it will always be there, but that doesn't mean it can't be controlled, and there is no evidence that hospitisation works as a long-term cure for adult anorexics, so good on you for trying this. ... It brings some peace to just accept that you have an illness and to learn to live with it rather than fighting it."

Mary

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"You mentioned you don't know of anyone who's done it this way....well I DID! I still struggle a bit, more so at some times, but the point is that I managed to get my weight from a dangerous 5 stone sort of level, back up to about 7. Exactly what you are trying to do. It wasn't easy. I had to implement the sort of routine I'd had in the priory and other hospitals...with meal plans, calorie amounts, supplements when necessary, plus pretty strict supervision at times. But it was so much more pleasant than feeling locked away and abandoned in a hospital. I could still enjoy the freedom of fresh air when I wanted it, I didn't have to wait for small windows of limited time in which to see or contact friends. You know the story...I just wanted you both to know that what you are doing has been done successfully before. I fought and fought being taken back into hospital, and I realised that I could use the stubborn strong-willed determined perfectionism and control that had driven me so low, to prove to people that I didn't need hospital and tubes.I hope you can do it. If you can't, you must also realise that is NOT failure, but the nature of the disease getting the upper hand. It's how it is."

Ruth

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"Like my own daughter you are such a lovely young women and whilst a sponsored eat for such a worthy cause (I live in Berkhamsted and know the Hospice well) is commendable, I do urge if you, are not having any at the moment, to seek treatment as well."

Sue

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We came across a forum this week for parents of children with eating disorders and found the 'this is unbelievable' post very interesting indeed. In general, the 'posters' were not too convinced about this challenge, and understandably I think. But then having pondered a little I think there are huge similarities between your approach and ours. I Googled the 'Maudsley' approach to anorexia treatment as the founder of the forum says she is a huge supporter. I understand that it is a family/home-based method of treatment that focuses on putting the weight on as number one priority, which is essentially what we're trying to do here. However, you have a number of advantages over us...

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Firstly, in the webpage I found it specifically says that the Maudsley approach is not recommended for over 18s. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that you rely on sanctions and consequences if your child does not comply with the eating regime. We do not have this tool, and so we've tried to create our own: guilt and embarrassment! If Lizzie doesn't gain the weight, she's got to tell people about it, and she's got to live with the fact that the Hospice of St. Francis is not getting any cash!

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Secondly (and somebody mentioned this in the forum), as Lizzie is an adult, if she goes to hospital she has the ability to decide for herself, once she reaches a certain weight, whether to continue in hospital or to return home, a choice that your children would not have until they reach the target weight set for them by doctors. And it is not as though she hasn't tried the hospital route before. 'Been there, done that, got the t-shirt'... and within 6 months the t-shirt was 2 sizes too big once again, all the weight (and more) having dropped straight back off.

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The advantage (?) of this approach is that it is a struggle to get going! Lizzie just ain't gonna want to go through this again. It isn't a quick-fix, it's harder than hospital in some ways because there ARE certain choices to be made, but at the end of the day, she'll be learning how to deal with this disease as an independent, self-sufficient adult without having to flit in and out of hospital once a year.

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As always, whether you agree or not we would love to hear from anybody on this forum to hear your views.

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If you would like to be added to the mailing list and be notified of new posts, or if you would like to get in touch without posting a comment, please e-mail hannah@hannahshergold.com or telephone Hannah on 07729 219590.

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As always, your comments are simply invaluable so please keep them coming and do pass on the details of the blog to anybody that you think may be interested.

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Hannah

Weigh-in results

Wait for it....
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A GAIN of 0.1 kg!!

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Now, many of you will be thinking that it's not much to put on in a week but look at it this way: This is the third week in a row that Lizzie has not lost any weight, and two of those weeks have been small gains... we're getting there, slowly but surely!

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To update you on the eating progress this week. Lizzie has now well and truly incorporated lunch into her day for a whole fortnight now. We eat together during the week and Barry is taking the reins (and the spurs and whip!) at the weekends. She's gone from eating nothing at lunchtime to eating a cheese sandwich and a half (crusts off) on wholegrain bread. She's also added 1 Clinutren per day to the regime this week which is another 300 calories. To be honest, alongside her breakfast and dinner which seem to be more stable than lunch was, we were both a little surprised that the gain wasn't a little more convincing, but there you go. At least it's heading in the right direction.

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This week... Tuesday to Friday will be 1.5 Clinutren per day, going up to 2 Saturday to Monday, then it's weigh-in on Tuesday. So we'll see how the gremlin copes with that this week!!

The ponderings of Lizzie and Hannah

Dear all, (and this is particularly addressed to a couple of the anonymous 'commenters'),
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We were a little vexed on Monday to see a couple of the comments posted after the Telegraph article was released. There were a couple of people that think that what Lizzie is doing is 'wrong' and that she is 'sending out a bad message'. Of course everybody is entitled to their own opinion about this challenge and in fact we think it's good for us to know that the support for it is not 100% positive, so we'd like to hear more from those people.
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Would it be possible for you to e-mail hannah@hannahshergold.com and expand a little on what you said in your comments. We'd like to know what your own situation is, whether you yourself are anorexic and if so, whether you are in hospital. Why do you not think that anybody can attempt to tackle this disease without hospital? Obviously it's a method that hasn't been tried before as far as we know and so yes, it is unproven, but is it not worth trying everything possible to try and gain an understanding of recovery based at home rather than in the false environment of hospital?
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That's the rationale behind what we're trying to do really. It may not work, and even if it does work, it wouldn't necessarily work for everyone. We're trying to make the most of Lizzie's 'traits' - high achiever, hates failing tasks in front of people, can excel at challenges laid in front of her etc. - and use them in the most productive way possible.
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Please get in touch. We genuinely would love to hear from you to hear the other opinions that may be floating about out there. Your e-mails will remain anonymous if you ask for them to be but we may summarize what you put forward and put it in the blog for everyone to have a gander.
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Thanks all, looking forward to hearing from you.
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Hannah and Lizzie

Note from Hannah

News in Brief

Weigh in results: NO CHANGE (more about this below)

Sponsorship update: Thank-you to everyone that has been in touch about sponsoring Lizzie this week. As you can imagine I've been inundated with e-mails and phone calls since the article in the Telegraph yesterday and I just can't reply to all of them but please know that we really appreciate all your support.

For information on how to pledge money for the challenge via the Pounds for Pounds system please take a look at the following post:

http://pounds4pounds.blogspot.com/2007/11/donation-system.html

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So... no change in weight eh? Not good enough I'm afraid, and Lizzie's well aware of that. She put up a lot of resistance to starting on the Clinutren this week, I think because she wanted to see what the extra cheese sandwiches and larger portions for dinner would do. Fair enough... but now we've seen that they just ain't doing enough!! So this week I'm afraid it's Hannah's way or hospital. There is now no choice available to Lizzie. Minimum of two Clinutren per day on top of what she's managing to eat. At the end of the day, they're just drinks, and if she can manage to have 2 large glasses of water with lunch and dinner then she can manage one 200ml drink with each meal.

Tough love this week. We'll keep you posted!

Lizzie's diary, 22nd January 2008

Diary entry: 22nd January
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Well I'm confounded. Or as the nurse put it - "you look shell-shocked". I was so convinced I had gained a decent amount that I couldn't understand it when the scales said exactly the same as last week. To the last gram. Bugger bugger bugger.
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Clinutren it is then.

Lizzie's diary, 21st January 2008

Diary entry: 21st January

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So. Christa's piece in the Telegraph. Not exactly as I would have wished - for a start she didn't put a link to the weblog nor did she mention Hannah. Then there was a typo which put my weight at 6 stone 11 (despite the headline of "...when I hit 5 stone...") - as H said, if that was the case, we (and the hospice) would be laughing. Still, you can't control the press and it could have been worse. We've had a response already - interest from BBC radio and Grazia magazine (I'll probably pass on the former and do the latter) not to mention several new sponsors.

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I got myself into a silly tizz this morning, partly over the article and partly over B. I woke up in the middle of the night panicking that he could be lying in a pool of blood in the flat. How would I know? So stomach had gone into turmoil and I had to spurn Hannah's request to take her over to Bicester when there is nothing I would have liked to do more. She must think I'm a really ungrateful, self-centred cow. And she'd probably be right. I need to make the most of this time - weigh-day tomorrow and I'm anticipating a decent hike-up. I've made real headway this week and can feel and see the improvement. Getting bloody sick of cheese sandwiches though.

Lizzie's diary, 20th January 2008

Diary entry: 20th January

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Better day today but not sure why. Maybe the food is finally getting through to the right places. Did a hell of a lot more of the Times crossword which must be a good sign. Spent most of the day (in between eating) in the barn doing 'Art Therapy' with Hannah. Made a tree frog instead of an anger monster and very therapeutic it was too.

Lizzie's diary, 19th January 2008

Diary entry: 19th January

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I feel really low. Don't know why. I can't blame it on lack of food either. I just feel deflated. Flat. I also feel really sick. I tried to drink some Clinutren last night and I think that is what has caused it. I did manage breakfast but the thought of lunch is turning my stomach. Helped Hannah tidy her studio to take my mind off things and then went for a walk in the rain. There is definitely an air of inspissated gloom hanging over today - it hasn't even got light yet. Please tell me things will get better. Or perhaps I should just try to enjoy being sad à la Rubinstein.

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What a hideous day. Almost turned against Hannah and was unnecessarily and inexcusably rude to her - and instantly regretted it. But I just needed to lash out and she had the bad fortune to be here. Why do I want to fight everyone who tries to help me? I want to run away but I can't. I've got to get through this. No-one said it was going to be easy but I have to keep reminding myself that it would be a hell of a lot harder in hospital. I have to remind myself just how bad it was in the Priory - how stuffed and sick and fat I felt. At least here the food is healthy and washed down with a nice Pinot Noir. Can't bring myself to write anything else even though I probably should. Please go away now, I've had enough.

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I feel like a real shit. I just need to be on my own tonight. I should be having Hannah over for dinner but have had to ask her to 'give me my space' and leave me alone. How can I be horrid to her when she is doing so much for me? Actually she probably sees it as a blessed relief - can't think of much worse than spending the evening with me. Shame I've got to. I know everything she is telling me is right - that we are running out of time and I have to start taking the Clinutren now. It just feels too much. I haven't had time to get used to eating so much yet and she is trying to introduce build-up drinks already. I need to see the results of eating more first - I think she is going to be surprised how quickly I gain weight.

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I've realised this Clinutren thing is having an adverse effect on this. I'm getting myself in a state unnecessarily. I'm not going to start taking it yet and just get on with the matter in hand - eating proper food normally. There. Phew.

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Struggled big time with dinner despite not having the threat of Clinutren, but I got there in the end. This will get easier, I'll start to feel hungry again, start to enjoy food. It will become less of an 'issue', less of a big deal. I need to peel away and discard all the crap that I have swaddled eating in. It's not that hard so stop making it.

Lizzie's diary, 17th January 2008

Diary entry: 17th January

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Scary. I couldn't write anything this morning because a) I couldn't remember where I'd left the pen and b) I couldn't bring myself to write in any other colour. Anyway, as you can see, I found it (same place as I'd left my marbles) so I'd better write something.

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I seem to have hit a bit of a brick wall capacity-wise. I need to find something to take my mind off how full I feel. Why can't I digest things better? I suppose it'll take time - I need to retrain my system to accept more food. I just want to keep brushing my teeth to take the taste away. I guess I might have a wheat intolerance (let's face it, I've got a food intolerance) but I'm going to have to put up with it (unless I fancy going down the wheat-free, gluten-free, taste-free route). I can't believe Cotswold House would indulge allergies. 3 dislikes was all we were allowed. Let me see now... 1) food 2) food 3) food. The sword of Clinutren hovering over me is not aiding digestion either - Hannah is insisting I have one today but I'm not ready. I'm still getting used to the extra meals.

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I needed to get away from things, so I treated myself to a massage at Daylesford which, despite being the embodiment of everything I hate about pseudo-country living, does give amazingly good treatments. I have got to make sure I nourish myself in other ways than just with food. Look after myself and do things that I like doing. On the way back from being pummelled to within an inch of my life, the man from the Telegraph rang - apparently the story is due to go in on Monday. He thinks it is "heart-breaking" which makes me feel like a very sad little person.

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Went out for dinner with Hannah, Dorcas & Nikky which was a first. Hannah was understandably slightly cautious and established that I didn't need my hand held throughout. I had to try to reassure her - after all, eating out is as "normal" for Barry and me as eating in. And in some ways, eating out is easier - after all I don't have to think about making it or portioning it (or washing up). Anyway, it was fine although I did feel (or imagine) her eyes on me which made half of me want to keep ploughing on, and the other half stop. Afterwards she told me she thought it had gone well. Not really - not compared to how it could have gone. But the first time doing anything is going to be slightly awkward - after all, they have no idea how much I normally eat in the evening. I think they might be surprised by what I do manage. Perhaps they think I don't have anything. But if I didn't I would be in hospital already.

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I found myself torn between showing them how much I am used to and how well I am doing - and risk them thinking what? That I'm a pig? That I'm not that bad after all? - and showing them how much I am struggling. Why? They know already, I don't need to prove anything to anyone. It doesn't change the situation - however much I 'm eating, it is evidently not enough. I don't need anyone's affirmation that I did well - I know I didn't. And for that I feel crap. So what am I going to do about it? The Clinutren are still sitting in the windowsill. Haven't made it as far as the fridge yet. I wonder if I could mix it with vodka. A Clinutren Wallbanger. Mmm, maybe they're not so bad after all.

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I'm not sure how to cope with this weekend. I don't want to prevent Barry from coming home, yet equally I can't risk him upsetting the routine. Nor can I expect him to have thought about perhaps taking charge of the meals this weekend. It is only in the short-term. Yes, I know he has been working his socks off all week but if I'd just had a cataract operation, he wouldn't expect me to do the driving and I'm sure he wouldn't expect me to carry on as normal if I had cancer. But somehow this illness doesn't generate the same kind of sympathy. It is still regarded as self-inflicted by many people (myself included). It's my own fault and all I have to do to get better is eat. Even Mim believes that is true - only the other day she said that it is not as if I've got cancer, after all the cure (i.e. food) exists so why don't I just take the medicine. Exactly. Why don't I? It is so simple on paper. Black and white. Cause and effect. Extra calories in = weight gained = money for the hospice and a happier, healthier Lizzie. Keep taking the medicine. Unfortunately I need to increase the dose. Still, it's lunchtime. Great. God I'm starving, seems like ages since breakfast, I could eat a horse (keep going, you might convince yourself).

Lizzie's diary, 16th January 2008

Diary entry: 16th January

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I don't like the physical repercussions of this. I feel like someone is squeezing my heart - my chest feels so tight. I'm sure Barry would tell me not to be so dramatic and that it is only anxiety but I'm not convinced - I don't actually feel that anxious. I'm also worried about my brain function and concentration - I just don't feel I am firing on all cylinders all the time. Over lunch today, Hannah broached the subject of "plonk". Whatever it's called doesn't change the fact that I have built up a huge psychological barrier. Why? It is a concentrated, easily take in-able form of calories that can be excised from my diet once it has served its purpose. It will be the reason why I have gained weight as opposed to the speculation that perhaps the extra sandwich/cheese/biscuit/chocolate was the culprit. If I don't try it I'll never know.

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I can definitely feel my resolve is strengthening. I am starting to want to do things for myself. And I am resigned to the fact that I am not going to feel hungry at mealtimes, but I will still have to eat them. Shared bathrooms. Black hairs. Not a pleasant thought.

Lizzie's diary, 15th January 2008

Diary entry: 15th January

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Didn't do as well as I had hoped, but not as badly as I had feared. Too many behaviours raised their ugly heads. How am I going to nail this? I know it won't just just go away but it is very hard when you are simply not hungry, to make yourself eat when your whole being doesn't want to. And then, when you've managed to finish your "main course" to even contemplate dessert. How can I be expected to be able to make a sound judgement as to whether what I have just had is enough? I know Simon would do a stop thinking you are so important moment, but actually, this is important. And I'm doing it and finding my way. Yes, I'll make mistakes, need my hand held and require constant reassurance, but I'm going to give it my best shot,

Lizzie's diary, 15th January 2008

Diary entry: 15th January

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First things first - wait for it - a gain! Yes, the enormous increase of 0.1kg. A massive 100g. Equivalent to 0.2lb or 3.4oz. Not very impressive really. It is time for a change and I think I started to do that last night. I was surprised to find that I was no more and no less "hungry" for breakfast this morning (although admittedly it was 10.30 by the time I'd been weighted and discussed Clinutren flavours with Stephanie - I've plumped (sorry) for orange, grapefruit and vanilla even though milk is gag-worthy). I don't know how I will have digested it by lunchtime which seems to be hurtling towards me at a rate of knots.

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There was a lovely comment from Mikey. I know how much it must have taken for him to write it which makes it even more touching.

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On to lunch. Managed the sandwich sans crusts (who wants curly hair anyway?) and it was fine (although it is 6 o'clock already and I'm still stuffed). I found myself telling Hannah not to give me the thickest slices of bread so I can't let go completely. Found it slightly irritating that she felt she had to tell me afterwards that actually, I had had one of the thicker bits. Really necessary? I don't think so. But Rome wasn't built on one sandwich. I can't think that lets me off the hook tonight. Or tomorrow or tomorrow or tomorrow.

Lizzie's diary, 14th January 2008

Diary entry: 14th January
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How do I go forward from here? On one side I have Barry & Simon with the go straight to hospital comments, do not pass go attitude and on the other I have Hannah and the voice of reason maintaining that I can do it. Sorry, I'm having another angry moment. I'll calm down now.

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I think I need to establish a routine and stick to it over the few days/weeks in order to have make a consistent weight gain by the end of January. I can feel myself wavering and I think it could be due to last weeks weight loss. I am definitely less resolved when I am lighter. I just hope tomorrow's "weigh-in" (ugh) is a positive one. I think I should forego any trips to London over the next week or two to remove any scope for sophistry.

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At last people are starting to comment on the website. It really does make an enormous difference - makes it seem more real. Yet however much I welcome the comments, I can't agree with those that think we can't do anything except cart me off to hospital. OK, if nothing has changed by the time the deadline is reached, I will agree to it, but in the meantime we don't just have to sit twiddling our thumbs until we can say I told you so. So whatever the scales say tomorrow (and fingers, toes, eyes crossed there will be a gain) I'm going to ask Stephanie for a prescription for Clinutren. There, I've written it so I'm going to do it.

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Well that was a first. I knew I was going to struggle with dinner so I texted Hannah before I started and asked her to text me in half and hour to tell me to finish the bloody thing. And I did. It wasn't that much, but it did give me a sense of achievement rather than having that nagging feeling of not having done enough.

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Remember this feeling - it's nice. Fullness = satisfaction = good. Well done. Legend. Now go and eat your cheesecake.

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God I'm full. Please tell me this feeling will pass and that this will have gone down by the morning.

Lizzie's diary, 13th January 2008

Diary entry: 13th January

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(Late, slightly p*****)

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Today has been vile. Absolutely ghastly. Not just how I feel but the weather, Barry, my hair - everything.

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Yeah, lets let the "experts" take over. You've got to go into hospital. And then what? What happens then? I've still got to go through it, so why can't I do it under our terms?

Weigh-in results and sponsorship update

Please note that this week's weigh-in results are being posted ON THE SAME DAY as they were recorded! Hoorah for temporary injection of efficiency. Sadly I don't hold out much hope of it lasting.

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A slight gain of 0.1 kg this week. I think we all know now that these small increases are easily lost and Lizzie's weight now is still not yet at the original 37 kg (5 stone 11 pounds in old money) of November 26th.

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BUT...

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New tactic + massive dose of urgency will surely equal success this week. Quite frankly, there is no time left for trials with their corresponding errors so we are throwing all ammunition at it this time. Supplements!

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Originally we (I) was perhaps a little naive to think that we could leap over the initial weight gain hurdle without the use of supplemental, or 'build up' drinks. (For those that don't know, when admitted to hospital Lizzie would have to either eat the allotted portion of food laid in front of her or make up what she left with a 'build up' drink. These are high calorie, high protein drinks with plenty of vitamins and minerals for people who are malnourished or for cancer patients who physically can't take on board the required nutrition during their treatment.) In an ideal world we would not have to resort to such measures but we can all see that we need a bit of a jump start.

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Our new tactic is to make up the daily calorie intake with as much 'normal' food as possible and the rest with these drinks. There will then be no physical reason why the weight can't go on. Then if we see a consistent weight gain we will begin to look into how we can wean Lizzie off of the drinks whilst filling in the gaps with more of the 'normal' stuff.

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The nick-name for the drinks will be "plonk". If Lizzie can't eat her portion of normal food, then one of these drinks will be 'plonked' in front of her. Choice, without choice perhaps? But needs must. We need to escape this no-mans-land for fear of capture by the dreaded men in white coats! Take cover!!

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Sadly there is no miracle cure for anorexia as we all know. Even the hospital won't be able to cure it. All they'll be able to do is provide a controlled environment where there is no option to not gain weight, whether by eating 'ordinary' food or by chugging away on the 'plonk'. And will the weight stay on when the hospital stay comes to an end? It certainly didn't last year.

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And now for a sponsorship update...

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Thanks to the most incredible generosity from Lizzie's friends today the total to be raised per pound of weight gained has leapt to:

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£2,009.81

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...giving us, if the target weight of 7 stone 4 pounds is reached...

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£42,205.97

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As you will see from the diary entries, your comments really have been fantastic this week. I cannot thank you enough. You've no idea what a difference it makes. Please, if you have the time, keep them coming.

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I think that's all from me. Happy reading and do keep spreading the word about the challenge. And thank-you so much for your continued support.

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Hannah

Lizzie's diary, 11th January 2008

Diary entry: 11th January

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I was wrong, it wasn't easier next time and I still couldn't finish lunch. Maybe tomorrow?

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I'm not doing enough. I've wasted so much time. And I'm scared of how it is affecting me both physically and mentally. Lying in bed last night, freezing cold, I had to check my pulse as my heart seemed to have developed an irregular rhythm, then I kept waking through the night with chest pains. And my legs ache when I climb a flight of stairs. This has got to change or something is going to give out. Why do I feel I have to push my body to such extremes, what am I waiting for? I do feel like I have kind of lost momentum with this, and that I'm slipping back and getting complacent. Am I just using this as a smokescreen to keep me out of hospital. Time is ticking on and I'm still treading water. Stagnating.

Lizzie's diary, 10th January 2008

Diary entry: 10th January

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Hannah is right - I need to do something dramatic. It isn't just that I mustn't lose any more weight. I have to gain a substantial amount fairly soon otherwise she/I cannot justify keeping me out of hospital. Everything inside me is trying to fight it - to stave off the day when I make that huge leap of faith and "feel the fear and do it anyway" (irritating phrase but also irritatingly apt). So yes, it is going to be hard but we are going to try her giving me "normal" portions of food and me just getting on with the eating. Removing any element of choice. Try wriggling out of that one, gremlin.

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It wriggled and wriggled, presenting every excuse in the book, but I did manage most of the sandwich Hannah made me. Big struggle though. Still, now I've done it once and can do it again and build on it. Next time will be easier. And it's ages until dinner.

Lizzie's diary, 9th January 2008

Diary entry: 9th January

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I can hardly bring myself to write anything. I am so disappointed with myself. I am now 6 weeks into this and I've got nowhere. Perhaps they are right and I do need to go into hospital. Sometimes I feel so strong and able, but other times... Maybe I should just roll over an put my hands up. Admit that I can't do it. But I must. I can try harder. I can do it.

Lizzie's diary, 8th January 2008

Diary entry: 8th January

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I'm like a bloody yo-yo. My weight is back down to what is was before Christmas. All that hard work in vain. It has shown me that although I don't necessarily like it all the time, having regular accompanied meals makes a big difference. How am I going to manage this? I wonder if I could persuade Barry to start coming home for dinner during the week. I definitely have to have lunch with Hannah as often as she can stand it. The practice nurse has also suggested having Clinutren as a supplement. As long as it is not like that ghastly Fortifresh stuff we had in the Priory when we couldn't (or wouldn't) finish a meal.

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I thought I knew my body better that this. I thought I had managed to maintain what I had gained at the very least. Why do I find it so much easier to lose than to gain? The eternal loser, that's me. Waste of an ever diminishing amount of space. Now I have to plough my way through breakfast. Yum yum yum. I can't deny though, that there is still a part of me that, however warped, likes losing weight. And that is the part of me I need to destroy before it destroys me and everything for which I am working.

Lizzie's diary, 7th January 2008

Diary entry: 7th January

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I really need to stop hoping that someone else is going to do this for me. I have to stop blaming other people. It is my responsibility and it is only me who can do it. But that doesn't mean I have to do it alone. I need help and support and I have to learn how to accept it graciously. But I cannot assume that other people are going to know instinctively how to help - sometimes anything and everything is just the wrong thing to say or do at just the wrong moment. I need to lighten up and develop the ability to brush things off rather than dwell on them - who knows, maybe it was the way in which I perceived the comment rather than the way it was intended.

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I have come to realise that if I just get on with the eating, and don't constantly go on about how difficult it is for me, my angst dissipates and I find it easier to JFDI. The minute I focus on how much/little I am eating, it snowballs. For example, last night Mim & Mikey came for dinner & as there wasn't a huge onus on what I was or wasn't eating (apart from the odd unloaded comment) it was far more relaxed & I managed to eat pretty well (even the ice cream). Now I need to keep it up, I'm being weighed tomorrow and I have to have gained some more weight. If I can get used to a regular weekly weight gain it'll become less of an issue than if it goes up one week and down the next. Then I can start to learn just how much I need to eat. At the moment I just don't know, it's a case of suck it and see. And swallow.

Lizzie's diary, 4th January 2008

Diary entry: 4th January

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How have I managed to lose the ability to live for the moment? I am so caught up in its causes and consequences that it has already gone. Even in the case of writing this diary - by the time the little grey cells have been transcribed and translated, their very meaning has evaporated.
Why, at the very moment that I let myself go do I get it thrown back in my face. I just don't get it. Oh I don't know, why can't I differentiate between "normal" behaviour and abnormal "behaviour"? Where does one draw the line?

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I mean, is it "normal" to have to fold the towels correctly, align the bottles in the bathroom/kitchen/bathroom, plump the cushions, brush your hair/teeth three times (or whatever), wash your hands x number of times, close the drawers, turn the lights off, straighten the blinds, have a wee (or two. Or three. No sorry, it has to be in multiples of 2), fold the loo paper into quarters, touch things with both hands so one doesn't get left out. I could go on. But that way madness lies. But it is only by degrees. Surely everyone is just a little bit insane.

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What is it about me that I have to attribute blame for everything. Why do I feel that someone has to be responsible for everything. And ultimately that person is me. I cannot be responsible for everything. It cannot always be my fault. Although, admittedly, it generally is. I can't do everything, nor can I expect anyone else to do it. Sometimes things don't get done as you would wish them to be. Things are not, nor can they be, perfect all the time.

Weigh-in results (Tuesday 8th)

Weigh-in results

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Yet again, I'm sorry for posting this so late. Sadly Lizzie lost the weight that she had put on over the Christmas period so we are now in crisis mode, and it has been agreed that some sort of rocket must be put up the proverbial behind.

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We really are having to have a reality check this week, and for the next few weeks. Lizzie cannot continue to kid herself that 2 oatcakes and 2 small pieces of cheddar for lunch are sufficient to maintain, or to not lose, this weight. The progress that we have made has been in establishing a routine, and Lizzie's really got her teeth into this one (pardon the pun)... but just eating something at lunchtime, though a great start, is not enough.

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This week I have shown Lizzie what a light-lunch, or half-portion to any normal person looks like. It is no doubt a daunting prospect to eat a cheese sandwich with slices of bread that seem gargantuan but Lizzie can (and must) complete each meal 'challenge' that is laid down. Nobody can justify keeping her out of hospital if she is only maintaining this dangerously low weight. There must be progress on the scales.

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So... we have a sort of cut-off point. End of January. If there is no progress before then (and by progress I don't just mean one week's small gain, but a consistent small gain each week - no losses!) then I think we will have to accept that perhaps hospital is the best plan, even if it's just to get out of the danger zone. Don't get me wrong, I do not think that it will come to this. Lizzie is more than intelligent enough to know what needs to be done, and she's gained a great deal of willpower to fight off the 'anorexic gremlin' that rears its ugly head during the day. But this week, please please can we see your support in the form of comments. I KNOW I keep banging on about it, but I know how much she enjoys reading them... and what's more comments, unlike texts and calls, last for as long as this blog is running.

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Fingers crossed that we can get back on track.

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Hannah

Lizzie's diary, 4th January 2008

Diary entry: 4th January
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God I feel ghastly. I hope I'm not coming down with something - that would be just my luck. Its strange, I haven't been ill (as in having a cold or flu) for years. It is almost as though my immune system has been suppressed by this semi-starvation - somewhat analogous to the study which observed that viral infections were attenuated and T-cell mediated responses lowered in protein-starved mice. So perhaps it is a positive thing and a direct result of my improved nutritional status. I do feel sick though, and I've got a stinking headache. And a stye. But apart from that Mrs Lincoln...

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Had a long conversation with Christa about her piece in The Telegraph. I think it sounds absolutely fine and that she is going is put the right slant on it. And I also think she is right in saying that the weblog needs an injection of oomph - seeing as no-one seems to be responding to Hannah's appeal for comments (hint hint)

Lizzie's diary, 3rd January 2008

Diary entry: 3rd January

I must admit I'm a bit disappointed. I've only managed to put on 0.4kg. A case of E for effort. Could do better. But at lease it is a start. I just wish it had been a bit more. What I mustn't do is let myself off the hook - it would be too easy to just lose it again.

Weigh-in results and sponsorship update

...And the results of this week's weigh-in are...
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A GAIN of 0.4 kg or 0.9 lbs!!!

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Father Christmas's chocolates were clearly tasty enough to tempt. Overall I think Lizzie was a little disappointed not to have gained more but there are more benefits showing through. Brains need energy too and the diary entries seem to suggest overall better moods so perhaps the old noggin hogged a few of those extra calories.

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This week, having established a 3-meal-per-day routine which Lizzie seems to have mastered, we're trying to up the intake at each meal. Our thinking is that there'll still be time for the fullness to die down before the next meal whilst increasing the amount eaten over the course of the day. Hopefully she can at least retain the weight she's put on over the festive period and if this week's plan works, there'll be another gain.

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Not far to go until The Hospice of St. Francis will be reaping the rewards! Fingers crossed!

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Sponsorship update...

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Amount to be raised per pound of weight gained: £1,009.81

Total amount to be raised if target weight of 21 lbs is reached: £21,205.97

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Keep those comments coming in. I know there's been a lot of Christmas havoc but I know Lizzie really appreciates them.

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Thanks everyone, Hannah

Little note from Hannah

Hello all,

Many apologies for the huge time lag with these posts. You know what Christmas and New Year can be like! It does mean you get to read another bumper load of diary entries though so 'every cloud...'.

Weigh-in (or 'weighing') tomorrow... Fingers crossed Father Christmas's gifts were tasty enough and had enough calories in them!! Also, I'll get my head around the sponsorship totals before the end of the week. If there is anybody that has sent me an e-mail RE. sponsorship or other support and I haven't replied please would you mind just nagging me?! Some mail may have been jumbled together with the Christmas junk before/during my time away so please don't take offence - all of your support is thoroughly appreciated and we couldn't do it without you.

I'll be back on track and up-to-date soon - promise!

Remember, keep spreading the word to anyone that may be interested. And of course all your lovely, heart-felt comments are always welcomed!

Regards,

Hannah

Lizzie's diary, 2nd January 2008

Diary entry: 2nd January

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This is going to be hard. How do I stick to the routine now that I am on my own? When all my instincts are to cut down. I am simply not hungry and I want to feel hungry again. I suppose I just have to keep doing it and perhaps the hunger will return again. If I stick to proper mealtimes and eat proper meals, maybe I’ll get used to it and regain an appetite – not just for food but for living too.
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...

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Well I took my time, but I did it. I was determined to sit down and make myself have exactly the same as I would have done had Barry been here and I did. I need to establish a routine however forced it may seem at first. Gradually it will become a habit and who knows, I may start to enjoy it. Cheese and oatcakes? Yum yum yum.
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What I’m not looking forward to is being weighed tomorrow. I know I have to but it is going to be incredibly hard not to panic when I get confirmation of this weight gain. I’ve got to face it sometimes and reassure myself that it is fine. Just because the scales say something does not alter how I feel. And I do feel better physically. Well sometimes anyway. I didn’t like getting light-headed when we went for a walk the other day, and my hair and skin look pretty crap. But generally I think there is an improvement, and my mood is a bit more stable.

Lizzie's diary, 1st January 2008

Diary entry: 1st January

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Well Happy New Year. Happy New Lizzie? I wonder what this year will bring. Can it be any worse than last year? Typical New Year’s Eve nightmare – we both hate it anyway so it’s not surprising. Why am I not given any concessions for being unwell? I know he is sick of it, but that doesn’t make it suddenly evaporate. We went on a walk and I got tired. Very tired. Just getting through the day is sometimes a physical struggle. But I’m not allowed to play the anorexia card. Especially if it rears its ugly head at an inconvenient time. Or heaven forbid, at a mealtime.
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It was lovely to have the Shergolds back and a well-needed injection of normality and stability. Christmas is such an artificial situation it’s not surprising people come to blows – and with the added pressure of an eating disorder when there is a surfeit of food and drink, I guess it’s surprising I am still in one piece.
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Sometimes I have to give myself a reality check. And I realise that it isn’t always me.
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But I'm prepared to change, and I am changing. It’s not surprising that I’m going to have weird mood swings to accompany the weight gain. Read the literature, it’s text book stuff. I’m coping with the fat thighs, the stuffed-ness, the hamster cheeks. Give myself some leeway and acknowledge it.
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Nothing is going to change unless I do.
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I’m finding this whole thing rather uncomfortable. Not just physically (although it is – I feel like the Pilsbury dough man. Just raisins pressed into uncooked dough. Hot.) but emotionally too. This diary wasn’t intended to be an outlet for my self pity but sometimes it has to be. I don’t want it to be read I just need to get it out. Reawakening of feelings. I’ve just got to go with it and try. See it as an experiment. I don’t like it. I don’t like eating so much. I don’t like enjoying myself. Yet. But I will. And maybe we can go back to how we were. I try so hard but it is never enough. I love him so much but that’s never enough either. When is it ever going to be enough?

Lizzie's diary, 30th December 2007

Diary entry: 30th December

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Well it was absolutely lovely. They really are the perfect guests. Such sweet, kind, interesting gentlemen. Even I thoroughly enjoyed it – food included!
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I’ve definitely turned a corner this holiday and if it is due to weight gained then so much the better. I have managed to let go, however scary and alien that is to me. I’ve realised that the only thing I am anguishing over is other people's comments regarding the inevitable weight gain. But I have managed to talk to Barry fairly rationally (I hope) about it so hopefully I will know how to deal with comments like – ‘God, I don’t know how you managed to put on so much with how much you have been eating’, ‘You haven’t been eating that much’. Well, actually, I have. Not purely in quantity, although there has been a significant increase, but in terms of caloric density. I’m not used to such rich food and so much alcohol but I’ve managed to take advantage of it. Sorry, just needed to polish my halo. Repeat after me – this is a good thing. I need to put on weight. What is this intrinsic, inherent fear of gaining weight that we have? I can think of very few people, male or female, who actually honestly would like to put on a few pounds, let alone relish the idea of having to gain over a stone. I really believe that a large proportion of the population would like to lose a bit of weight, irrespective of their absolute weight. And I know I am far more comfortable with the feeling of losing it than gaining it. It is a most uncomfortable feeling – tightness, hotness, heaviness, munchkin features, hamster cheeks, thunder thighs. but I’ll get used to it. I have set myself to do this and I damned well will.
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“It can’t be done,” they told the man.
He, with a grin, replied,
“Nothing is impossible, until you’ve really tried”.
And so he set himself to do the thing they said could not be done.
And he couldn’t do it.
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My mum wrote that in my autograph book when I was a kid. What's that all about?

Lizzie's diary, 29th December 2007

Diary entry: 29th December

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One thing I do feel a lot of the time, and for no discernible reason, is angry. I just want to break something or lash out at someone. It does seem to tie in with a monthly cycle but if I have no hormones surging through my veins, how can it?
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That’s one thing I want. Periods. I know, I remember the downside – the tummy aches and PMT, but it would make me feel so much more normal. I dread to think what the lack of oestrogen is doing to my bones – I can almost feel it leaching out of them.
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I do seem to have come up against a bit of a brick wall in terms of hunger/fullness. All the holes have been filled but the mealtimes keep coming. Please tell me it’ll get easier. Barrie and Tony are coming for dinner tonight and I know it could be awkward. I just mustn’t get into a state. Do the worry work now and do not rise to it – you know how Barry gets when people are coming over and if I am on edge, it makes it worse.

Lizzie's diary, 28th December 2007

Diary entry: 28th December

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I should probably write something but I don’t know what, I don’t really know how I feel. I think I’ve forgotten how to feel. I just feel a bit lost. Not having Hannah here has made things seem less immediate. It is never the right time to talk to Barry about it but the problem won’t just go away. Or maybe it will – in some ways I think I’m letting go. Then I get the urge to restrict again. I know I need to make an appointment to get weighed next week but in some ways it is more relaxing not putting a figure on it. I have gained weight – just having someone here for 3 meals a day (not to mention the alcohol intake, chocolates etc. etc.) has made an enormous difference. I would anticipate a gain of at least 1 kg and if I come to terms with that now, then I won’t panic when I get confirmation.
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Physically I am torn between quite liking feeling satisfied after a meal rather than deprived – for the first time I ate a proper full forkful of linguine instead of one strand (sad but true) – and feeling scared. I just have to keep reassuring myself that this is right and it is ok. I cannot rely on anyone else to tell me that I am doing the right thing. But I do feel fat and uncomfortable.
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...

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Sorry – another slightly random pen-grabbing moment. Due to the absence of the ‘festive period’-induced ‘weigh-in sesh’ I don’t know where I am weight-wise. So I thought I’d take a little role-playing moment. When I get on the scales on, let’s say, Wednesday and they say 39.7 kg. What would I think? What would I say? And just supposing anyone else is taking the blindest bit of notice of any of this. What was it last time? Exactly. It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter. Obviously I’ll panic – predictable gut reaction, but ultimately, if I feel good, and the scales show a gain, it will be a ‘good thing’. I honestly don’t know for sure that I have put on that much weight but I have been eating well, and regularly. And it is becoming more of a habit.
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I’m not sure I like this putting on weight thing. I feel less in control and less controlled but more alive. I think. Or maybe I’m thinking about it too much,. When I just get on with it, I forget there is a problem, So perhaps that is the solution. Stop being so self-indulgent and wallowing in self-pity and just do it.

Lizzie's diary, 26th December 2007

Diary entry: 26th December

Well, like 90% of the rest of the population, I ate and drank too much yesterday. Unfortunately, unlike 90% of the population, I am not allowed to go on a diet. I really made a superhuman effort yesterday but I must not let myself cut back today although it’s tempting. I’m not used to such rich food – can’t believe I’ll ever be hungry again. I felt like a goose trying to eat my toast this morning.

I don’t know how to put up with this when I am so fragile both physically and emotionally. I cannot be responsible for everything. I must be allowed to let go without having to suffer the consequences.

And I don’t like mince pies or Christmas pudding – trivia I know, but important trivia.

Lizzie's diary, 23rd December 2007

Diary entry: 23rd Dec

(am)
This isn’t a cry for help, I’m screaming at the top of my voice.

(pm)

As soon as I pick up this pen and start writing, I feel self-indulgent. Then the moment is lost forever. I’ve made some giant strides forward today. Proper lunch – ok, maybe not by everyone’s standards, but by sitting down properly and eating manchego and oatcakes (thank-you Martin) at a reasonable hour – and Christmassy chipolatas wrapped in bacon followed by ‘tarte fine aux pommes’ (I think B won the prize) and ice cream – but I’m tired. Tired of this, tired of being tired. Tiring of wearing B down. And tired of having to make an effort. Things shouldn’t be so hard. I want to be able to let go. Without feeling guilty.