Diary entry: 19th January
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I feel really low. Don't know why. I can't blame it on lack of food either. I just feel deflated. Flat. I also feel really sick. I tried to drink some Clinutren last night and I think that is what has caused it. I did manage breakfast but the thought of lunch is turning my stomach. Helped Hannah tidy her studio to take my mind off things and then went for a walk in the rain. There is definitely an air of inspissated gloom hanging over today - it hasn't even got light yet. Please tell me things will get better. Or perhaps I should just try to enjoy being sad à la Rubinstein.
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What a hideous day. Almost turned against Hannah and was unnecessarily and inexcusably rude to her - and instantly regretted it. But I just needed to lash out and she had the bad fortune to be here. Why do I want to fight everyone who tries to help me? I want to run away but I can't. I've got to get through this. No-one said it was going to be easy but I have to keep reminding myself that it would be a hell of a lot harder in hospital. I have to remind myself just how bad it was in the Priory - how stuffed and sick and fat I felt. At least here the food is healthy and washed down with a nice Pinot Noir. Can't bring myself to write anything else even though I probably should. Please go away now, I've had enough.
What a hideous day. Almost turned against Hannah and was unnecessarily and inexcusably rude to her - and instantly regretted it. But I just needed to lash out and she had the bad fortune to be here. Why do I want to fight everyone who tries to help me? I want to run away but I can't. I've got to get through this. No-one said it was going to be easy but I have to keep reminding myself that it would be a hell of a lot harder in hospital. I have to remind myself just how bad it was in the Priory - how stuffed and sick and fat I felt. At least here the food is healthy and washed down with a nice Pinot Noir. Can't bring myself to write anything else even though I probably should. Please go away now, I've had enough.
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I feel like a real shit. I just need to be on my own tonight. I should be having Hannah over for dinner but have had to ask her to 'give me my space' and leave me alone. How can I be horrid to her when she is doing so much for me? Actually she probably sees it as a blessed relief - can't think of much worse than spending the evening with me. Shame I've got to. I know everything she is telling me is right - that we are running out of time and I have to start taking the Clinutren now. It just feels too much. I haven't had time to get used to eating so much yet and she is trying to introduce build-up drinks already. I need to see the results of eating more first - I think she is going to be surprised how quickly I gain weight.
I feel like a real shit. I just need to be on my own tonight. I should be having Hannah over for dinner but have had to ask her to 'give me my space' and leave me alone. How can I be horrid to her when she is doing so much for me? Actually she probably sees it as a blessed relief - can't think of much worse than spending the evening with me. Shame I've got to. I know everything she is telling me is right - that we are running out of time and I have to start taking the Clinutren now. It just feels too much. I haven't had time to get used to eating so much yet and she is trying to introduce build-up drinks already. I need to see the results of eating more first - I think she is going to be surprised how quickly I gain weight.
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I've realised this Clinutren thing is having an adverse effect on this. I'm getting myself in a state unnecessarily. I'm not going to start taking it yet and just get on with the matter in hand - eating proper food normally. There. Phew.
I've realised this Clinutren thing is having an adverse effect on this. I'm getting myself in a state unnecessarily. I'm not going to start taking it yet and just get on with the matter in hand - eating proper food normally. There. Phew.
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Struggled big time with dinner despite not having the threat of Clinutren, but I got there in the end. This will get easier, I'll start to feel hungry again, start to enjoy food. It will become less of an 'issue', less of a big deal. I need to peel away and discard all the crap that I have swaddled eating in. It's not that hard so stop making it.
Struggled big time with dinner despite not having the threat of Clinutren, but I got there in the end. This will get easier, I'll start to feel hungry again, start to enjoy food. It will become less of an 'issue', less of a big deal. I need to peel away and discard all the crap that I have swaddled eating in. It's not that hard so stop making it.
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