Diary entry: 15th January
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First things first - wait for it - a gain! Yes, the enormous increase of 0.1kg. A massive 100g. Equivalent to 0.2lb or 3.4oz. Not very impressive really. It is time for a change and I think I started to do that last night. I was surprised to find that I was no more and no less "hungry" for breakfast this morning (although admittedly it was 10.30 by the time I'd been weighted and discussed Clinutren flavours with Stephanie - I've plumped (sorry) for orange, grapefruit and vanilla even though milk is gag-worthy). I don't know how I will have digested it by lunchtime which seems to be hurtling towards me at a rate of knots.
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There was a lovely comment from Mikey. I know how much it must have taken for him to write it which makes it even more touching.
There was a lovely comment from Mikey. I know how much it must have taken for him to write it which makes it even more touching.
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On to lunch. Managed the sandwich sans crusts (who wants curly hair anyway?) and it was fine (although it is 6 o'clock already and I'm still stuffed). I found myself telling Hannah not to give me the thickest slices of bread so I can't let go completely. Found it slightly irritating that she felt she had to tell me afterwards that actually, I had had one of the thicker bits. Really necessary? I don't think so. But Rome wasn't built on one sandwich. I can't think that lets me off the hook tonight. Or tomorrow or tomorrow or tomorrow.
On to lunch. Managed the sandwich sans crusts (who wants curly hair anyway?) and it was fine (although it is 6 o'clock already and I'm still stuffed). I found myself telling Hannah not to give me the thickest slices of bread so I can't let go completely. Found it slightly irritating that she felt she had to tell me afterwards that actually, I had had one of the thicker bits. Really necessary? I don't think so. But Rome wasn't built on one sandwich. I can't think that lets me off the hook tonight. Or tomorrow or tomorrow or tomorrow.
11 comments:
Hi Lizzie,
What a blessing it is to be able to find a good reason to stop what I should be doing (writing about strategies for planning applications - yawn), read your blog diary thing and find a more positive tone and a gain!! Well done. I can't believe the amount now pledged too.
Keep going - we are all right behind you and willing you on with every munch!!
Love
Huge
Lizzie
Faced with a choice between two unwelcome options, it might seem that picking either of them feels like defeat.
You've had lots of advice-sometimes strongly expressed. Whichever route you now follow, you could feel it's either acquiescence to pressure, or a choice made to avoid hurting someone by rejecting their well intentioned advice. Whatever has been said, the unifiying wish is that you conquer the gremlin.
Go either way, you'll succeed.
The only defeat is doing nothing.
Your strengthening resolve is begining to glimmer through. Whatever you do,I know you'll be happier knowing you made a decision, rather than having had one imposed.
Keep drinking the plonk (another bitter pill to swallow), then YOU can decide.
Love
Mikey
Lizzie
Not sure I have much to say but here goes and its another example of how many people are willing you on, albeit quietly.
A small weight gain is a big improvement on a weight loss so you shouldn't dismiss it; well done!
It sounds like the dietary gunk is the right next step, though clearly it is going to need all the resolve, which this whole programme is developing. Its interesting to hear that the very act of eating and digesting food is hard - its not just a matter of taste and appetite. But if this was going to be easy you would have done it months of not years ago. Whatever else you do - keep it up.
As to the sometimes contradictory advice you are getting; it is just advice, given from different perspectives but always with your best interests at heart I feel certain. You have to pick your own path to health and well-being and however you choose to do it your assured of enormous support.
Regards
Steve S
Good luck to you! Please do think about how much you can help those younger teenage anorexics if you can succeed. I would go with the nutritional drinks to help, sipping throughout the day.
I'll be reading up on your progress and good for you to try.
Hi Lizzie,
I just came across your blog. I am recovering from eating disorders too, but I am through the worst of it and I just wanted to leave a positive note to say that it CAN be done!
I also resisted hospital and gained weight myself, from below 5 stone. I know firsthand that it really isn't easy, but it IS possible! I'm here to tell the tale.
Recovery is about finding an inner strength that you never ever could have predicted you had. That will come in time, as you start to get physically stronger. Once you've fought this, the world is yours. You can do ANYTHING. You will have the strength to follow your wildest dreams, you will appreciate every day without this evil disease, you will love and laugh and live again. That is all yours for the taking.
Don't let this evil gremlin beat you. She's not worth it. YOU are worth it. Recovery is worth the heartache. Please believe me. I still have slip-ups, but I know how much I love life without anorexia clawing the bones of my back.
I also have the two-hand touching obsession, I have done for years. You aren't alone :)
Stay strong! Congratulations on the gain! And clinutrin isn't so bad once you get used to it. It's better than the others.
Thinking of you as you travel this journey...
Ruth
You need to be in hospital. Take the place at Cotswold House - they are the best in the UK.
Hi Lizzie,
Ginny told me of your extraordinary quest and I've been keeping an eye on your blog. Well done for making this tremendous effort for the good of yourself and the hospice. It seems you have many lovely people urging you on.
Also read the telegraph item, for which you have my admiration. Yes, you need to gain weight but as for changing yourself too much, I read a saying once "there will only be one of you for all eternity; fearlessly be yourself".
Judy (Steadman)
Just heard about your mission and wanted to say how incredibly impressed I am by your honesty, courage and determination. Gaining weight is the most frightening and stressful experience for someone suffering from Anorexia, as I know only too well. But your mind will become stronger and better able to fight those gremlins as your body regains some strength. Best of luck to you Lizzie.
Just read the Telegraph article and learned so much more about you. Lizzie, you are just so brave, I really admire you. As Huge says - we are all right behind you. You are surrounded my love and good wishes - and I know you can do it.
You need to be in hospital, and stop avoiding it. i actually think this is pretty wrong, you are sending out a bad message to any one else recovering, if you want to recover you need help, be that hospital, you need to get to a healthy weight 7 stone 4 is not healthy for a tall adult.
Hi, I've just read your article in The Telegraph and read through some of your blog. Your goal is really inspiring & I know it takes a lot of courage for you to face one of your biggest fears, day in, day out. I always think, if we channel the energies we use to fuel the eating disorder into trying to BEAT the eating disorder, it can only lead to success.
Try not to be so hard on yourself - you are doing GREAT!
I look forward to reading your updates,
Samantha
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