Diary entry: 28th January
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I'm rather worried by the fact that I've spent most of this morning on the loo. I do hope it wasn't the chicken sandwich. Can't have been, no-one else has had any ill-effects and surely it would have been quicker than that. Nor can I believe it is the Clinutren, and dinner last night was totally risk-free (no shellfish...). I'm very aware that this could affect tomorrow's weighing and that we are fast approaching the end of month deadline. Perhaps we should hold off judgement day until next Tuesday instead. Good idea - gives me a few extra days. I am also very aware that people will immediately think laxatives so perhaps I shouldn't mention this. And it might not have affected it anyway so I'll defer judgement until I see what the scales say tomorrow.
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Over the weekend, Barry asked if I had Googled "Lizzie Grimaldi". Well, no, I hadn't, but when I did I was surprised to say the least. One thing I came across was a "forum" on an eating disorders support site. Basically a discussion between "carers" of people with eating disorders. It was very interesting and I found myself agreeing with practically everything they said. One ("Sheepie") picked up on the fact that I was exhibiting typically eating-disordered thoughts (no shit Sherlock) such as picking up on the typo in the Telegraph article saying I was a stone heavier than I am. I wish I could shake off all these anorexic traits, but unfortunately I have mislaid my magic wand. They still rear their ugly heads with frightening regularity and no doubt will continue to do so until I have gained a substantial amount of weight. The best thing I can hope to do at the moment is smother them but all too often they're too strong for me to suppress. What I have to remember is that these people are going through a similar but very different type of hell. They have to believe that their approach to their daughters (or wives, girlfriends, sons, whatever) illness is right and they are perfectly entitled to their opinions, however unfounded and uninformed they may be. After all, they don't know me or my situation and from the outside it does look unconventional and "a starting point for disaster". But I have made such progress and I cannot let anyone or anything detract from that. If this is the right thing for me, then great. I'm not saying its for everyone. Until we have unravelled the secrets encoded by out DNA, there is no way anyone can prescribe a cure-all for any disease - let alone one so multifactorial as this.
.
I'm rather worried by the fact that I've spent most of this morning on the loo. I do hope it wasn't the chicken sandwich. Can't have been, no-one else has had any ill-effects and surely it would have been quicker than that. Nor can I believe it is the Clinutren, and dinner last night was totally risk-free (no shellfish...). I'm very aware that this could affect tomorrow's weighing and that we are fast approaching the end of month deadline. Perhaps we should hold off judgement day until next Tuesday instead. Good idea - gives me a few extra days. I am also very aware that people will immediately think laxatives so perhaps I shouldn't mention this. And it might not have affected it anyway so I'll defer judgement until I see what the scales say tomorrow.
.
Over the weekend, Barry asked if I had Googled "Lizzie Grimaldi". Well, no, I hadn't, but when I did I was surprised to say the least. One thing I came across was a "forum" on an eating disorders support site. Basically a discussion between "carers" of people with eating disorders. It was very interesting and I found myself agreeing with practically everything they said. One ("Sheepie") picked up on the fact that I was exhibiting typically eating-disordered thoughts (no shit Sherlock) such as picking up on the typo in the Telegraph article saying I was a stone heavier than I am. I wish I could shake off all these anorexic traits, but unfortunately I have mislaid my magic wand. They still rear their ugly heads with frightening regularity and no doubt will continue to do so until I have gained a substantial amount of weight. The best thing I can hope to do at the moment is smother them but all too often they're too strong for me to suppress. What I have to remember is that these people are going through a similar but very different type of hell. They have to believe that their approach to their daughters (or wives, girlfriends, sons, whatever) illness is right and they are perfectly entitled to their opinions, however unfounded and uninformed they may be. After all, they don't know me or my situation and from the outside it does look unconventional and "a starting point for disaster". But I have made such progress and I cannot let anyone or anything detract from that. If this is the right thing for me, then great. I'm not saying its for everyone. Until we have unravelled the secrets encoded by out DNA, there is no way anyone can prescribe a cure-all for any disease - let alone one so multifactorial as this.
1 comment:
Lizzie -
I have been reading your diary with great interest - because my daughter is a recovered anorexic. Your entries are giving me an insight to what she went through and her thought processes. Some of the things you have posted about - like the lashing out at those who are caring for you - my daughter did that too. I saw those moments as the Anorexia lashing out - not my daughter. It actually means you are getting better. The anorexia doesnt want to loosen its grip on you - but you and hanna are making progress. Keep up the effort, and remember, food is your medicine. If you had cancer, you would get chemo, though it would be hell. You need food, it is the only thing that will cure you. I only wish you were taking in more of it! The faster your weight is restored, the faster you will have your life back, like my daughter, who can eat all foods without fear now. Just try to let go and trust those who love you. Those who want you to up your intake LOVE you. I wish you all the best.
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