Lizzie's diary, 28th December 2007

Diary entry: 28th December

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I should probably write something but I don’t know what, I don’t really know how I feel. I think I’ve forgotten how to feel. I just feel a bit lost. Not having Hannah here has made things seem less immediate. It is never the right time to talk to Barry about it but the problem won’t just go away. Or maybe it will – in some ways I think I’m letting go. Then I get the urge to restrict again. I know I need to make an appointment to get weighed next week but in some ways it is more relaxing not putting a figure on it. I have gained weight – just having someone here for 3 meals a day (not to mention the alcohol intake, chocolates etc. etc.) has made an enormous difference. I would anticipate a gain of at least 1 kg and if I come to terms with that now, then I won’t panic when I get confirmation.
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Physically I am torn between quite liking feeling satisfied after a meal rather than deprived – for the first time I ate a proper full forkful of linguine instead of one strand (sad but true) – and feeling scared. I just have to keep reassuring myself that this is right and it is ok. I cannot rely on anyone else to tell me that I am doing the right thing. But I do feel fat and uncomfortable.
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Sorry – another slightly random pen-grabbing moment. Due to the absence of the ‘festive period’-induced ‘weigh-in sesh’ I don’t know where I am weight-wise. So I thought I’d take a little role-playing moment. When I get on the scales on, let’s say, Wednesday and they say 39.7 kg. What would I think? What would I say? And just supposing anyone else is taking the blindest bit of notice of any of this. What was it last time? Exactly. It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter. Obviously I’ll panic – predictable gut reaction, but ultimately, if I feel good, and the scales show a gain, it will be a ‘good thing’. I honestly don’t know for sure that I have put on that much weight but I have been eating well, and regularly. And it is becoming more of a habit.
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I’m not sure I like this putting on weight thing. I feel less in control and less controlled but more alive. I think. Or maybe I’m thinking about it too much,. When I just get on with it, I forget there is a problem, So perhaps that is the solution. Stop being so self-indulgent and wallowing in self-pity and just do it.