Diary entry: 11th January
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I was wrong, it wasn't easier next time and I still couldn't finish lunch. Maybe tomorrow?
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I'm not doing enough. I've wasted so much time. And I'm scared of how it is affecting me both physically and mentally. Lying in bed last night, freezing cold, I had to check my pulse as my heart seemed to have developed an irregular rhythm, then I kept waking through the night with chest pains. And my legs ache when I climb a flight of stairs. This has got to change or something is going to give out. Why do I feel I have to push my body to such extremes, what am I waiting for? I do feel like I have kind of lost momentum with this, and that I'm slipping back and getting complacent. Am I just using this as a smokescreen to keep me out of hospital. Time is ticking on and I'm still treading water. Stagnating.
I'm not doing enough. I've wasted so much time. And I'm scared of how it is affecting me both physically and mentally. Lying in bed last night, freezing cold, I had to check my pulse as my heart seemed to have developed an irregular rhythm, then I kept waking through the night with chest pains. And my legs ache when I climb a flight of stairs. This has got to change or something is going to give out. Why do I feel I have to push my body to such extremes, what am I waiting for? I do feel like I have kind of lost momentum with this, and that I'm slipping back and getting complacent. Am I just using this as a smokescreen to keep me out of hospital. Time is ticking on and I'm still treading water. Stagnating.
9 comments:
Lizzie, we have known one another for a long time. Long enough that you know that I simply 'don't get it'. One part of me sees this whole exercise as self obsessed, attention seeking and then I read the blog and see a different picture. As we have discussed many (many) times, we live in a world where many of the people we know have an eating disorder or a weight issue that is not disimilar to yours. They however are not taking it to the extreme where they are risking their lives through a skewed perception of how they look. You are and your life is at risk in every sense.
I remember lots of fun times with you and it seems to me that all of them were when you were at a more normal weight. In France for instance, we ate and drank and you had fun and, unless I'm mistaken, you were around 7 stones. My impression is that with a bit more weight your mood is better and you're able to feel more positive. The point I am leading to is that none of your sponsors (your friends!) care in the slightest how you get there. If a short stint in hospital will get you over the hump , say half way to your target weight, you should do it and not feel that you've failed. The only failure here is is not achieving the goal, the route is irrelevant. Get to say, 6st 7lbs and use Hannah and us to help you go further. The last few pounds won't seem so big and your mood will be more positive, you'll do it.
Lizzie I have been thinking about your comments especially the one about having company at meal times,nothing worse than eating alone just cant be bothered to prepare and eat alone I understand that. How about myself Hannah and others have dinner with you during the week, its nice to have company any time and what could be better than to share a meal together and maybe a glass of wine!
You need to set a time limit on this. No-one said you wouldn't get your sponsorship money unless you did it entirely alone. Please have a short spell in hospital to get out of the danger zone where you don't function physically or mentally - for once I agree 100% with Simon!
come on Lizzie. Always remember one step forward two steps back. You write an amazing, moving blog. I know you can do this
I think Hannah has set a very sensible limit of the end of Jan for you to really do something significant. Unlike Simon, I'm not sure that hospital is the best option right now. You have already done the hospital route which did nothing to prepare you for living your dual lifestyle between the country and London. I also think I know you well enough now to realise that what ever we all say and think, you will feel a failure as it isn't just about you putting on weight, its about you doing it for yourself and knowing that you can maintain it because you've learnt how to. From what I can see, huge progress has been made in terms of your willingness to understand your illness and I think you really do recognise that these 3 weeks are now critical in terms of weight gain.
Your decision to allow your friends 'in' is not only opening our eyes to all the issues but we are all still standing by to help when we can. Please Lizzie, let this day be the start!
Lizzie,
Jude and I have just read your blog for the last few days and are desperate for you - this is such a struggle for you and your blog is such a great way to express what you are feeling. You are so wonderfully honest and what you are writing - as Simon has said - is helping us to get a better understanding of how this condition works. Like Simon I have to confess that it is something that I simply don't "get" but as I said in my first blog comment - you are helping those of us who love you and don't know how to help or what to say.
Whether or not you choose the hospital route, I want to reinforce the comments that say that it does not matter HOW you get there - what we care about is that you get there!
Love
Huge
You know you can do this Lizzie!! You have come so far in recognising where you need to make changes and beginning that process. Every step forward, even if it is only a small one will help you towards your goal.
It sounds like although lunches are a struggle, you are beginning to get there. Think about how much progress that is since you started this.
We are all behind you 100% and willing you to succeed. I hope you can take all our positive thoughts and make that extra push towards the end of the month. We know you can do it!!!!
Thinking of you,
Abi x
Lizzie
As you know, I've been down a long way for a long time. However,as I float slowly to the surface, a few disjointed sentences.
My recovery is the result of numerous, imperceptible changes. There's no one single event or action that can be defined as crucial. They all contributed. Often the smallest steps were the hardest.
I delayed my recovery by defining too narrow a set of criteria as the target. I'm now looking at the 90% I've achieved, not the 10% deficiecy. It's a nice feeling.
My recovery is the result of a fine team of family, friends, professionals and me. All played a part by both supporting and challenging.
All of the NHS professionals were very kind, caring and effective.
The family and friends (the ones guaranteed to do and say exactly the wrong thing) are vital guides. I had to accept that those shouting directions from outside the maze had a different incomplete view of the situation and had every reason to get exasaperated when I took another wrong turning. Sometimes they were right, sometimes they couldn't see what I'd just put my foot in. At all times, they cared. Ultimately, I'm grateful I'm dealing with friends who have no experience and little understanding of my problems. They are where I want to be. The professionals did a wonderful job of understanding and explaining. Why should I pull friends into my world when I want to be in theirs?
I'm still inching slowly upwards, enjoying the motion not the speed.
Please stick at it, you're too good to waste.
Love
Mikey
Lizzie
Reading through your entries has been so moving - if only you knew how much I wanted to be just like you when we were growing up (and it wasn't just your hand-me-down 80's green jumpsuit that Caroline and I fought over for weeks!). You have always been so talented, beautiful, creative and intelligent. I hope that you can see that in yourself.
This is the first time I have read your blog and I now find myself, once again, in complete awe of you. Your bravery in setting yourself this challenge is astounding, and recording it all in in the public domain makes it even more commendable. We are all behind you 100%.
Well done for getting this far.
xxx
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