Diary entry: 29th January
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"Beware of people who don't eat; in general they are envious, foolish or nasty. Abstinence is an anti-social virtue" (Grimod de la Reyniere)
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I am thoroughly ashamed. I cannot believe I am such a bitch. I should never have thought, let alone written then posted those things about Hannah. How can I (almost literally) bite the hand that's feeding me? Sally is right, she doesn't deserve this. Horrid, ungrateful, ungracious, unappreciative, evil girl. I would not blame her for giving up on this, I just hope she doesn't. I have to remind myself that she is doing this for nothing and with no training. The least she should expect in return is my gratitude. She is giving me so much of her time - and for what? For my anorexic vituperative acerbity? Perhaps it would make it simpler if I was paying her. Not that that would give me an excuse to behave like that again, no money would make that acceptable. But it could provide some recompense for the time I am taking from her real work.
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I do need to explain to her why I reacted as I did. It is so hard to choose anything at the moment and it is just awful to be in a shop presented by shelf upon shelf of bread - all I want to do (as has happened on too many occasions) is drop my basket and run. I hate it. I just panic - it is easier to not buy anything at all. It is unfathomable and as I write this, even I can't think why it is so hard. But it is just an awful awful feeling. Like asking an alcoholic to go into an off-license and buy a bottle of fizzy water. It is totally irrational but it happens. And I guess in a way this is one shortcoming of this approach - I do have to buy and prepare my food. In a hospital situation all I would have to do is walk into the dining room, eat what is put in front of me and walk out again. I would also be able to vent my lunatic ravings to a nurse who was being paid to take my crap and could walk away from it at the end of the day. But I know which approach I want to take. So I had better start learning by my mistakes. I may not be able to control my emotions, but at least I can try to make them more palatable to those people about whom I care most.
4 comments:
Lizzie isn't the bitch. Anorexia is the bitch! It is the anorexia making you respond in certain ways, and you can't argue with that because if the anorexia didn't exist, you wouldn't be irrational about buying bread.
It is a hard thing to do. Choice is too much for you right now. When you shop, go with an EXACT list, including the brand and type of food where there will be choice. Sod offers, bargains, whatever. Buy what you went for, in the right quantity. You have to avoid any window of opportunity for the anorexia to slip in.
Remember to keep separating yourself from the 'gremlin'. You aren't anorexia. You HAVE anorexia. And you can be free of it.
Thinking of you.
Ruth
Lizzie -
If choice is difficult for you, why not allow Hanna to do some of the choosing for you? That would be a victory - letting go of some of the control. Trust those who want to help you. You must increase your caloric intake, no matter how unreasonalble it seems. If you were able to make good choices, you wouldnt be where you are today, right? Its not your fault! Or anyone elses. You were born this way. But, the good news is, you can get completely well. It doesnt have to be a chronic illness, or a death sentence. If Hanna cant make your selections for you, Ruth's advice is good too. Limit your choices.
It is natural for the anorexia to lash out against anyone or anythng that is challenging it, and I am sure Hanna knows this. She must separate the wonderful Lizzie from the horrible ED. In your post, you were lashing out against yourself as well. You are not a horrible person. You are ill. Prepare yourself, that as you challenge the AN, the lashing out may get worse before it gets better, and the self loathing might too. Just try block it out. Fight the AN thinking - resist it. Food is your medicine.
What a lovely comment from Ruth - she is SO RIGHT.
What has become abundantly clear from reading your diary entries is that this evil condition is an obsession that is gripping you and is so difficult for you to control.
You are not only fighting to control the direct compulsion not to eat, but you are having also to fight all of the associated emotions that the anorexia burdens you with. I can see that it has boiled up as anger, and then come back to bite you in the form of guilt. BASTARD THING!
Lizzie, you must see that we see these things as symptoms and do not misunderstand or judge you. We know the lovely person inside and I am sure that Hannah can see past the veil that this draws over you sometimes.
The more progress you make, the looser the grip it will have over you. You are making progress and you WILL beat this.
Lots of love
Huge
Lizzie, I know what it's like. Sometimes I have to stay away from those closest to me as I know I won't be able to help myself lashing out and then feeling terrible afterwards. I remember a priest during a sermon saying we cannot bring peace to others when we don't have it ourselved. That's all well and good, but how do we get it ourselves? It's not possible to a radiant vison of peace and light while you are under 6 stone and your body is only just managing to keep going Lizzie! Just worry about getting well and don't worry about your progress towards saintood just yet!!! Love Mary
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