This week I have handed over even more control. As I hadn't gained sufficient weight, they were encouraging me to reconsider inpatient care, but the thought of shared bathrooms and not sleeping in my own bed was just too awful. So as a compromise, I have decided to go in every day (as opposed to 4 days a week) and to stay for all meals (rather than leave after afternoon snack).
The days are quite well organised - more CBT than basket-weaving thank the lord. I get there for breakfast (8.15) which started off as a cup of cereal (mealplan "B") with 150ml milk and has progressed to a mug of cereal with 200ml milk plus 2 pieces of toast. Then we have a group - something like self-esteem, nutrition or body-image followed by mid-morning snack (which might be a couple of chocolate digestives, a chocolate bar, cereal bar, banana, piece of cake and a drink - they are quite restrictive on fluid intake and I spend half my time absolutely gasping). Then before lunch there is time for us to meet with our individual therapists or with the dietician. Lunch is at 12.30 and is pretty standard institutionalised stuff but not too bad. I have really struggled with the quantities and did a runner the first day I was presented with a full portion so am now back to half-portions and make up the deficit at other times. Each meal is followed by a rest-period during which we have to sit around and try not to expend any energy - no mean feat when most of us are used to being on the go all the time. Another group - either art, gardening, creative writing or yoga - takes us up to the next feeding time (15.30 snack - along the same lines as the morning one). Dinner is at 18.00 and is generally lighter than lunch. Then it is home sweet home, night-time snack and straight into the land of nod. So there you go, my week in a nutshell.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Lizzie's diary 27th July 2008
I know, I know. It's been ages - I'm crap. But at least there is a good reason for it. I started on the day-patient programme at Cotswold House 3 weeks ago (God is it really that long?) and to be quite honest, at the end of a day there thinking about me me me, the last thing I want to do when I get home is update my blog.
But I have to say, it is not half as bad as I had feared. Yes, it is hard and much of it is not pleasant at all, but the staff and other inmates make it a whole lot easier. The difference between this place and the Priory is incredible. I really feel they know what they are doing and feel that I can trust them even when everything inside me is fighting doing it.
I go for 4 days a week from 8am to 4pm and the aim is to gain a pound a week. So far I have put on 0.4kg but it is weigh-day tomorrow so watch this space...
But I have to say, it is not half as bad as I had feared. Yes, it is hard and much of it is not pleasant at all, but the staff and other inmates make it a whole lot easier. The difference between this place and the Priory is incredible. I really feel they know what they are doing and feel that I can trust them even when everything inside me is fighting doing it.
I go for 4 days a week from 8am to 4pm and the aim is to gain a pound a week. So far I have put on 0.4kg but it is weigh-day tomorrow so watch this space...
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Lizzie's diary 17th June 2008
I seem to have come to a grinding halt. That is 2 weeks without a gain and I am in breach of my contract. I don't know what to do. I was making such progress and feeling so much better and now I am in fear of slipping again. Why couldn't I keep the impetus up on my own?
But at least my BMI is now 14 which is a level at which the hospital would accept me on to the day-patient programme so perhaps that is the way forward.
But at least my BMI is now 14 which is a level at which the hospital would accept me on to the day-patient programme so perhaps that is the way forward.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Lizzie's diary 4th June 2008
Another small advance this week - a further 0.3 kilos - to 40.3 kilos. Not quite the pound of flesh I had promised my husband, but that means I am now a fraction short of 6stone 5lbs.
Slowly but surely......
Slowly but surely......
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Lizzie's diary, 27th May 2008
Diary entry: 27th May
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40 kg. Again. Well I suppose it is a nice round figure so its not surprising I've plumped for it.
Sometimes I pray to Cod for the veal-power to stop playing with my words but I fear it is too bread into me. For all I know, the wurst may be yet to come.
I am disappointed though - even the practice nurse had written in my notes that I was "chuffed to bits" last time I put on a pound. I guess it will go in fits and starts, but it is a bit demoralising, especially as I've just announced how well I am doing.
So it is a case of back to the drawing board or rather the mealplan, to identify the areas that had started to slip. And if all else fails I'll just down another Clinutren.
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40 kg. Again. Well I suppose it is a nice round figure so its not surprising I've plumped for it.
Sometimes I pray to Cod for the veal-power to stop playing with my words but I fear it is too bread into me. For all I know, the wurst may be yet to come.
I am disappointed though - even the practice nurse had written in my notes that I was "chuffed to bits" last time I put on a pound. I guess it will go in fits and starts, but it is a bit demoralising, especially as I've just announced how well I am doing.
So it is a case of back to the drawing board or rather the mealplan, to identify the areas that had started to slip. And if all else fails I'll just down another Clinutren.
Monday, May 26, 2008
26th May - Note from Lizzie
Present weight 6 stone 4lbs, starting weight 5 stone 11lbs.
Weight gain so far - 7lbs!
Note from Barry
"Those of you who are sponsoring Lizzie by the pound need to get your cheque books out and go to www.justgiving.com/lizziegrimaldi because this weight has been maintained since the 6th of May."
Present weight 6 stone 4lbs, starting weight 5 stone 11lbs.
Weight gain so far - 7lbs!
Note from Barry
"Those of you who are sponsoring Lizzie by the pound need to get your cheque books out and go to www.justgiving.com/lizziegrimaldi because this weight has been maintained since the 6th of May."
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Lizzie's diary, 25th May 2008
Diary entry: 25th May
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It's about time I wrote something but it has been so long, and so much has happened that I don't really know where to start. It feels really weird writing anything at all.
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First and foremost though, I need to say a huge thankyou to Hannah. But like all good things, her involvement in this had to come to an end and she has moved on to bigger and better things. So goodbye and good luck. Cheese sandwiches will never taste the same again. I would never have had the courage or strength to embark on this without her and we went through a lot together. But end it has so I shall have to build on what I have achieved which, thinking about it, is a hell of a lot.
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Shortly after the last diary entry we went on holiday - well I say on holiday, what I really mean is we were transported to another world. And for that time I got back a taste for living. It made me remember what I was missing. And when we got back and I got on the scales, I was genuinely thrilled to find that I had managed to gain enough to secure a stay of execution. Even better than that, the following week I had gained a further pound. I thought I was coming out of the woods and probably got a bit complacent because I haven't gained any more since then. Bugger.
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Having stuck so rigidly to the terms of the contract, I can feel myself slipping again and I'm scared. But having had that taste of how much better I felt (and I can't believe it was only due to the sun, sea, sand, personal chef..... well, maybe it was) I am not going to let myself go again.
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It's about time I wrote something but it has been so long, and so much has happened that I don't really know where to start. It feels really weird writing anything at all.
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First and foremost though, I need to say a huge thankyou to Hannah. But like all good things, her involvement in this had to come to an end and she has moved on to bigger and better things. So goodbye and good luck. Cheese sandwiches will never taste the same again. I would never have had the courage or strength to embark on this without her and we went through a lot together. But end it has so I shall have to build on what I have achieved which, thinking about it, is a hell of a lot.
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Shortly after the last diary entry we went on holiday - well I say on holiday, what I really mean is we were transported to another world. And for that time I got back a taste for living. It made me remember what I was missing. And when we got back and I got on the scales, I was genuinely thrilled to find that I had managed to gain enough to secure a stay of execution. Even better than that, the following week I had gained a further pound. I thought I was coming out of the woods and probably got a bit complacent because I haven't gained any more since then. Bugger.
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Having stuck so rigidly to the terms of the contract, I can feel myself slipping again and I'm scared. But having had that taste of how much better I felt (and I can't believe it was only due to the sun, sea, sand, personal chef..... well, maybe it was) I am not going to let myself go again.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Note from Hannah
Hello again all,
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Feels like ages since I last wrote this blog. So much has been going on in the last month or two - some good, some hideously ugly!
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To cut a long story short (and I know Lizzie won't mind me for being honest) things weren't really working out as they were. Sadly I have too much work on to provide Lizzie with the regular and guaranteed support that she needs. As she said in her blog, the 'duties' I'd taken on for this challenge had increased one by one over the last few months in order to try and get things off the ground and it wasn't feasible to continue with the same amount of responsibility considering that I am unqualified. What's more, I couldn't justify continuing when there wasn't a significant enough weight gain each week.
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So... things became a little tetchy for a while, and in the end we both agreed that perhaps the whole challenge needed a shake up, or just plain change. Only Lizzie could decide how that shake up was going to come about since I was taking a step back, and it appears that this new contract idea may do the trick. For one thing, it leaves no room to blame other people or situations that may arise. The daily meal plan is laid out and if it isn't stuck to then it's hospital, like it or lump it.
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Some people will have seen this coming from a mile off but hey, whether or not Lizzie did or not, I certainly thought it might work... and to a certain extent it has. At the end of the day she's gone from eating probably less than 500 calories per day to eating nearly 2000, purely as a result of constant nagging, guilt tripping and kicks up the proverbial, not to mention will-power and determination on both parts. Maybe, just maybe, she's got the tools now to work at it herself (with moral support from me, Barry, her friends, her sponsors and her carers) and make those final steps towards actually putting weight on?! Watch this space!
Lizzie's diary, 1st April 2008
Diary entry: 1st April
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A slightly better increase than last week (0.2kg) - more of a toddler step perhaps? but still pretty insignificant. I think we could have all done with a giant stride this week, but hey, at least it is still heading in the right direction. And we are only 2 days into the new contract.
A slightly better increase than last week (0.2kg) - more of a toddler step perhaps? but still pretty insignificant. I think we could have all done with a giant stride this week, but hey, at least it is still heading in the right direction. And we are only 2 days into the new contract.
Lizzie's diary, 31st March 2008
Diary entry: 31st March
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Well, I'm sticking to it. Signing on the dotted line seems to have made a difference. Minor clocks going forward-related misunderstanding at lunchtime yesterday threatened to throw the whole thing into disarray but by walking away, taking several deep breaths (and several swigs of rescue remedy) and locating a new frame of mind, the situation was diffused. And the afternoon snack was a breeze (well, tea and biscuits actually). But the only true indication of whether this is working will be on the scales. So lets just keep fingers, toes, eyes crossed for tomorrow. It may not be the whole pound of flesh which is demanded of me but it'll certainly be more than the paltry 100g of the past few weeks.
Lizzie's diary, 26th March 2008
Diary entry: 26th March
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I think a slight change of tactic is called for. At probably the same time, Hannah realised she had bitten off more than she could chew and I realised I was expecting too much of her. So I am relieving her of her food-related duties and instead have drawn up my own meal plan in tandem with a signed contract drawn up by the dreaded husband which basically states that I agree to gain a pound a week (or I go into hospital), that I address my food-associated behaviours (or I go into hospital), that I stick to my mealplan (or I go into hospital), that I stop blaming everyone (including myself) and accept that this is an illness (or I go...) etc etc. My terms, my decisions. And so far, so good. Watch this (ever increasing) space.
Lizzie's diary, 25th March 2008
Diary entry: 25th March
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Another minor increase. This is proving too difficult to sustain on my own. Perhaps hospital is the solution. I just cannot face it. I can't make that decision. There needs to be another way - this way. I have to take a deep breath and remind myself of why I am doing this, what I need to do, how I have to do it and then just get on with it. Without thinking too much. I tend to overthink everything and blow it all out of proportion. It's not that hard so don't make it. I have to sign a mental contract to adhere to the programme and constantly remind myself of it. Or hospital it is.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Lizzie's diary, 23rd March 2008
Diary entry: 23rd March
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This is just awful. I don’t know what I’m doing and don’t know how to (not) do it. I should be feeling better. Getting better. But I don’t. I feel worse. Physically, mentally, psychologically, emotionally. I don’t know how to feel, I think I’ve forgotten. I’m on edge. Jittery, unsettled. Detached and scared. Is this payback time? Have I done too little too late – “baby-steps” as someone commented.
Lizzie's diary, 22nd March 2008
Diary entry: 22nd March
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I am finding it really hard to write anything much – too much stuff going on. The only thing I can say is that I am concentrating on what I have to do in terms of meals, and then at least I can say that something positive has come out of this difficult time. It would be too obvious to use this as a tailor-made excuse not to eat, but I’ve never been the one to take the easy option.
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And the bed-time drink doesn’t half make you sleep well, for it is better to sleep on things beforehand than lie awake about them afterwards.
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I am finding it really hard to write anything much – too much stuff going on. The only thing I can say is that I am concentrating on what I have to do in terms of meals, and then at least I can say that something positive has come out of this difficult time. It would be too obvious to use this as a tailor-made excuse not to eat, but I’ve never been the one to take the easy option.
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And the bed-time drink doesn’t half make you sleep well, for it is better to sleep on things beforehand than lie awake about them afterwards.
Lizzie's diary, 18th March 2008
Diary entry: 18th March
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Luckily the fiasco that was this weekend has not had too much of a detrimental effect on my weight (up by 0.1kg). But on reflection, I actually managed to adhere to my meal quite well despite all the upsets. I think I only missed out on 2 desserts and a snack or two. It is just such a shame that it happened, I really was making headway. I have to be extra diligent and vigilant while Hannah and Barry are away and prove I can do this. All my own work.
Lizzie's diary, 17th March 2008
Diary entry: 17th March
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So Hannah has gone toDubai
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But I cannot and will not let this beat me, however may excuses I may have. I have proved to myself that I can eat even when the odds are stacked against me. I have to remind myself that I am doing this for me and no-one else. And I will be the one that suffers the most if I don’t.
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So Hannah has gone to
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But I cannot and will not let this beat me, however may excuses I may have. I have proved to myself that I can eat even when the odds are stacked against me. I have to remind myself that I am doing this for me and no-one else. And I will be the one that suffers the most if I don’t.
Lizzie's diary, 15th March 2008
Diary entry: 15th March
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Tears are the symbol of the inability of the soul to restrain its emotion and retain its self command (Henri Frederic Amiel)
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My moods and emotions have gone completely haywire. Why is this happening? Surely I should be more stable now my nutritional status is improving, not less. I seem to have spent the last few days dissolved in floods of tears.
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I have managed to make up for Fridays blip and just hope it has not an adverse effect on my weight. I cannot afford to mess up, time is running out.
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I had another outpouring of emotion at lunchtime. Unquiet meals make ill digestions.
Lizzie's diary, 14th March 2008
Diary entry: 14th March
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One of the biggest problems with this diary is that the times about which you need to write most are precisely those about which you feel you cannot write. I don’t know what has happened, why I feel like I do. Is it being under constant threat, pressure, stress (whatever) of hospital, splitting up, doing what I cannot do? I can’t think straight, I’m not making sense. Everything should be so clear, so easy and straightforward but I have so many conflicting extrinsic and intrinsic messages. Why, when I need something so fundamental is it denied me. I need help but cannot provide it. If I have to ask it is already too late. I am dead set on this and am determined to make it work but I need support – even if it does come to incarceration, until such time we need to have given it our best shot. Maybe I won’t like it, but that is irrelevant. I’ve lost the luxury of preference.
.
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One of the biggest problems with this diary is that the times about which you need to write most are precisely those about which you feel you cannot write. I don’t know what has happened, why I feel like I do. Is it being under constant threat, pressure, stress (whatever) of hospital, splitting up, doing what I cannot do? I can’t think straight, I’m not making sense. Everything should be so clear, so easy and straightforward but I have so many conflicting extrinsic and intrinsic messages. Why, when I need something so fundamental is it denied me. I need help but cannot provide it. If I have to ask it is already too late. I am dead set on this and am determined to make it work but I need support – even if it does come to incarceration, until such time we need to have given it our best shot. Maybe I won’t like it, but that is irrelevant. I’ve lost the luxury of preference.
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I was doing so well this week, no cutting corners, finishing everything that was on my plate (cobwebs included), deciding to have a snack instead of pretending (primarily to myself) that I would have it later. Then the proverbial hit the fan. I don’t know what I said or did or didn’t say or didn’t do, but it was wrong, wrong, wrong. And at the end of shall we say a slightly emotional day as a result of Hannah trying to tackle some of my pre-prandial behaviours, I didn’t have it in me to behave rationally. Things spiraled out of control and I am thoroughly ashamed to admit I gave in to it and let the anorexia win. Why? Why did I protest by clamping my jaw shut? Just stupid. What a waste of an evening – sent to bed with no dessert, no night-time snack and no Clinutren.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Lizzie's diary, 13th March 2008
Diary entry: 13th March
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Nicky gave me a summary the Keys paper which documents the Minnesota study of the 40s and 50s in which the effects of starvation on the behaviour of 36 young healthy men with no prior history of psychological disorders were observed. They were studied during a period of normal eating, during a longer period of severe restriction and after restriction was lifted. The findings are fascinating - bearing in mind the effects were a direct result of starvation - the men were not anorexic per se. Which begs the question, if you are genetically predisposed to it, can severe restriction actually induce anorexia or at least anorexic behaviour? Although the individual responses varied enormously, they all suffered dramatic physical, psychological and social changes.
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So many of the changes are just too familiar for comfort. Or perhaps I should be reassured - perhaps I am not a total nutter after all. Just starving.
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One of the most profound changes observed was in the men's attitude to food and eating - not only did they find themselves unable to concentrate on normal things (being plagued, as they were, by thoughts of food) but they started to adopt wheat could be called "behaviours" such as eating very slowly (guilty your honour), making unusual concoctions (not unless you count Chorlicks) and general bad table manners (licking my knife? picking crumbs? mea culpa) A few of them binged, and although the majority eventually went back to eating normally, some found it hard to assess exactly what normal was.
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Nearly all of them were depressed.
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Their previous tolerance was replaced by irritability and angry outbursts. They were anxious and many started biting their nails and/or smoking. They were apathetic (tick) and worryingly began to neglect areas of personal hygiene (does my breath smell?)
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Another aspect of the starvation was the shift in their social behaviour - they became progressively withdrawn and isolated which is something I feel myself drawn to when I'm down.
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Their concentration, alertness, comprehension and judgement were also......
Oh yes, also impaired.
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And so it goes on. I can tick so many boxes - decreased strength, hypersensitivity to noise and light, parasthesia, decrease in metabolism. one man said he felt his body was burning on the lowest flame possible to conserve precious fuel and still maintain life processes. Luckily, in rehab, their metabolism speeded up again. Phew.
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Unsurprisingly they were physically feak and weeble, however one or two went into Duracell bunny mode. Been there, done that.
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Take home message? That many of the symptoms I have are a direct result of the starvation rather than a manifestation of the AN; and that the most important thing at the moment is to restore my weight to a more normal level.
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But worryingly, those men's relationship with food did not return to normal even after the period of restriction ceased - in the short term they felt out of control and couldn't assess when they were hungry or full, symptoms which persisted even after normal weight was restored and in some cases took years to normalise.
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Very, very interesting though.
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Buoyed up by my conversation with the unbelievably divine Huge, I developed another snack tactic. Last weekend I had really questioned why I felt such guilt at playing the free-with-The-Times Scrabble CD-ROM. So to assuage the guilt I accompanied it with a cup of tea and a flapjack.
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I lost the game but won the battle.
.
Nicky gave me a summary the Keys paper which documents the Minnesota study of the 40s and 50s in which the effects of starvation on the behaviour of 36 young healthy men with no prior history of psychological disorders were observed. They were studied during a period of normal eating, during a longer period of severe restriction and after restriction was lifted. The findings are fascinating - bearing in mind the effects were a direct result of starvation - the men were not anorexic per se. Which begs the question, if you are genetically predisposed to it, can severe restriction actually induce anorexia or at least anorexic behaviour? Although the individual responses varied enormously, they all suffered dramatic physical, psychological and social changes.
.
So many of the changes are just too familiar for comfort. Or perhaps I should be reassured - perhaps I am not a total nutter after all. Just starving.
.
One of the most profound changes observed was in the men's attitude to food and eating - not only did they find themselves unable to concentrate on normal things (being plagued, as they were, by thoughts of food) but they started to adopt wheat could be called "behaviours" such as eating very slowly (guilty your honour), making unusual concoctions (not unless you count Chorlicks) and general bad table manners (licking my knife? picking crumbs? mea culpa) A few of them binged, and although the majority eventually went back to eating normally, some found it hard to assess exactly what normal was.
.
Nearly all of them were depressed.
.
Their previous tolerance was replaced by irritability and angry outbursts. They were anxious and many started biting their nails and/or smoking. They were apathetic (tick) and worryingly began to neglect areas of personal hygiene (does my breath smell?)
.
Another aspect of the starvation was the shift in their social behaviour - they became progressively withdrawn and isolated which is something I feel myself drawn to when I'm down.
.
Their concentration, alertness, comprehension and judgement were also......
Oh yes, also impaired.
.
And so it goes on. I can tick so many boxes - decreased strength, hypersensitivity to noise and light, parasthesia, decrease in metabolism. one man said he felt his body was burning on the lowest flame possible to conserve precious fuel and still maintain life processes. Luckily, in rehab, their metabolism speeded up again. Phew.
.
Unsurprisingly they were physically feak and weeble, however one or two went into Duracell bunny mode. Been there, done that.
.
Take home message? That many of the symptoms I have are a direct result of the starvation rather than a manifestation of the AN; and that the most important thing at the moment is to restore my weight to a more normal level.
.
But worryingly, those men's relationship with food did not return to normal even after the period of restriction ceased - in the short term they felt out of control and couldn't assess when they were hungry or full, symptoms which persisted even after normal weight was restored and in some cases took years to normalise.
.
Very, very interesting though.
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Buoyed up by my conversation with the unbelievably divine Huge, I developed another snack tactic. Last weekend I had really questioned why I felt such guilt at playing the free-with-The-Times Scrabble CD-ROM. So to assuage the guilt I accompanied it with a cup of tea and a flapjack.
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I lost the game but won the battle.
Lizzie's diary, 12th March 2008
Diary entry: 12th March
I went to see Nicky B yesterday, really to talk about how things are going and where we go from here. I am wondering whether she was right and that we were naive to think we could do this alone. Despite our initial enthusiasm and conviction, interest has waned. I am not ready to take the reins yet but by assuring everyone that I am doing ok I risk sliding down that familiar snake. Trying to please people, being a good girl. I am a nuisance and an irritation. Maybe I do need to be in a situation with continuous, experienced support instead of muddling through in the belief that I know best. But the rest of the army is not out of step.
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It is at times like this that I just want to curl up in a ball and withdraw.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Lizzie's diary, 11th March 2008
Diary entry: 11th March
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Boring boring boring. What a waste of a week. No gain at all. Not surprising I suppose- I have let things slop a bit - the odd snack here and there. not even an E for effort then. Must try a lot harder.
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Boring boring boring. What a waste of a week. No gain at all. Not surprising I suppose- I have let things slop a bit - the odd snack here and there. not even an E for effort then. Must try a lot harder.
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I'm feeling very lost. Hannah is rushing around like a blue a**ed fly trying to get her stuff off to
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If we are going to have any hope of going on
Friday, March 7, 2008
Lizzie's diary, 4th March 2008
Diary entry: 4th March
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Another 0.2kg gain. I think that is pretty damned good for such a hard week.
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I'm not sure how I feel. Should I be pleased, disappointed, relieved? What? I know it is good, and particularly in light of Hannah's absence, but a part of me is troubled. I haven't really made any big increases (well no increases if I am totally honest) so why has the weight gone up? But it's good that it has, right? But will it keep on going up? Hang on, I have at least been eating 3 decent meals plus every day, under my own volition, so in some ways it is surprising it hasn't gone up more, right? Or is it?
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To dispel this cognitive dissonance I phoned Nicky at Cotswold House. She was the very voice of reason and has made me feel less anxious. Not least by pointing out that if I was in hospital they would want five times that amount gained in a week. And also that the quicker it goes on, the shorter the time that I have to suffer this (no shit!) But sometimes it just takes someone else to reiterate the blatantly obvious.
Another 0.2kg gain. I think that is pretty damned good for such a hard week.
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I'm not sure how I feel. Should I be pleased, disappointed, relieved? What? I know it is good, and particularly in light of Hannah's absence, but a part of me is troubled. I haven't really made any big increases (well no increases if I am totally honest) so why has the weight gone up? But it's good that it has, right? But will it keep on going up? Hang on, I have at least been eating 3 decent meals plus every day, under my own volition, so in some ways it is surprising it hasn't gone up more, right? Or is it?
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To dispel this cognitive dissonance I phoned Nicky at Cotswold House. She was the very voice of reason and has made me feel less anxious. Not least by pointing out that if I was in hospital they would want five times that amount gained in a week. And also that the quicker it goes on, the shorter the time that I have to suffer this (no shit!) But sometimes it just takes someone else to reiterate the blatantly obvious.
Lizzie's diary, 3rd March 2008
Diary entry: 3rd March
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I’m worried by how tempted I am to cut back. I really struggled with making my lunch today – taking the extra slice of bread out, putting it back, taking it out again. Do I have one whole sandwich with minimal crust trimming, or 1.5 with plenty for the birds?
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I managed to overcome the temptation and had the extra half, but it has depressed me how easy it is to slip into back ways if I am not constantly vigilant. My OCD is getting bad too – I drove Barry to distraction at times over the weekend with hand washing, tidying, straightening and other such eccentricities.
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He seemed to be more patient this weekend. I don’t know whether it is because he can see I’m trying and that it could be working, or what. But whatever the reason, I just hope it lasts and hopefully it will keep improving just as long as I do.
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I felt very alone this evening with only my behaviours to keep me company. Somehow it just brings them into focus and it is so frustrating not to be able to conquer them. Do they have to get worse before they get better? Or are they going to get worse full-stop and never go away. I'm sick of this going on and on. I'm sick of being sick. Go away.
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Weighing tomorrow. i guess with all that has been going on, I should be happy to at least have maintained. But that will be so dull. What if I have put on more than the requisite pound? Or if I've lost? I don't know what to expect.
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I’m worried by how tempted I am to cut back. I really struggled with making my lunch today – taking the extra slice of bread out, putting it back, taking it out again. Do I have one whole sandwich with minimal crust trimming, or 1.5 with plenty for the birds?
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I managed to overcome the temptation and had the extra half, but it has depressed me how easy it is to slip into back ways if I am not constantly vigilant. My OCD is getting bad too – I drove Barry to distraction at times over the weekend with hand washing, tidying, straightening and other such eccentricities.
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He seemed to be more patient this weekend. I don’t know whether it is because he can see I’m trying and that it could be working, or what. But whatever the reason, I just hope it lasts and hopefully it will keep improving just as long as I do.
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I felt very alone this evening with only my behaviours to keep me company. Somehow it just brings them into focus and it is so frustrating not to be able to conquer them. Do they have to get worse before they get better? Or are they going to get worse full-stop and never go away. I'm sick of this going on and on. I'm sick of being sick. Go away.
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Weighing tomorrow. i guess with all that has been going on, I should be happy to at least have maintained. But that will be so dull. What if I have put on more than the requisite pound? Or if I've lost? I don't know what to expect.
Lizzie's diary, 1st March 2008
Diary entry: 1st March
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Lying in bed, I started worrying that some of my immediacy had dissipated. Is it because I am more relaxed, less inclined to jump up and find the pen to write down those inconsequential threads? And is that a bad thing? If I don’t write anything, is it a sign that I’m getting back to normal and getting on with things, or is it that I’m going into a state of inertia? I don’t feel I’ve been going anywhere very fast this week. Thrashing around, making no headway. Empty ships. But I have been getting somewhere because this has been on my own. Really on my own. Quite scary how mad I really am. Too many OCDs manifesting themselves. Multiplying, escalating, taking over again. But they will not be quashed by force, only through kindness and understanding. No pressure. Quietude, normality and consistency.
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Lying in bed, I started worrying that some of my immediacy had dissipated. Is it because I am more relaxed, less inclined to jump up and find the pen to write down those inconsequential threads? And is that a bad thing? If I don’t write anything, is it a sign that I’m getting back to normal and getting on with things, or is it that I’m going into a state of inertia? I don’t feel I’ve been going anywhere very fast this week. Thrashing around, making no headway. Empty ships. But I have been getting somewhere because this has been on my own. Really on my own. Quite scary how mad I really am. Too many OCDs manifesting themselves. Multiplying, escalating, taking over again. But they will not be quashed by force, only through kindness and understanding. No pressure. Quietude, normality and consistency.
Lizzie's diary, 29th February 2008
Diary entry: 29th February
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Yesterday wasn’t great but I did manage to eat a decent-ish dinner. I really am floundering though (foundering? Floundering? Which flounder?) and needed to talk to Hannah to get a kick up the proverbial. Even from that distance she made me see the error of my ways (and took my mind off making the sandwich. Cheese just doesn’t taste the same without her). I’ve lost any sort of appetite and enjoyment of food – will it ever return?
But doth not the appetite alter? A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age.
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I had prepared myself for going out this evening – I was being allowed out for good behaviour – Madame Butterfly with Ged and Shyla. I was a bit apprehensive – it seems a long time since I last saw them, plus it was going to disrupt my eating plan big time, but hey, I can’t stay locked up in this ivory tower forever. Unfortunately Ged has had to cancel so I find myself alone again. I can’t say I blame Barry for using the tickets but under the circumstances, I felt it was better for me not to go. I’m not being a martyr, just sensible for once. Things are so volatile at the moment so I think I shouldn't risk breaking anymore eggshells. Think I'll spend the evening practising my tip-toeing.
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I found myself reacting in typical ana-mode earlier – Ginny texted me to say how nice it was to see me yesterday (liar, liar) and that I looked great. Of course for ‘great’ I read ‘fat’ (or at least fatter). Why? & even is she did mean that, does it matter? Bothered?
.
Yesterday wasn’t great but I did manage to eat a decent-ish dinner. I really am floundering though (foundering? Floundering? Which flounder?) and needed to talk to Hannah to get a kick up the proverbial. Even from that distance she made me see the error of my ways (and took my mind off making the sandwich. Cheese just doesn’t taste the same without her). I’ve lost any sort of appetite and enjoyment of food – will it ever return?
But doth not the appetite alter? A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age.
.
I had prepared myself for going out this evening – I was being allowed out for good behaviour – Madame Butterfly with Ged and Shyla. I was a bit apprehensive – it seems a long time since I last saw them, plus it was going to disrupt my eating plan big time, but hey, I can’t stay locked up in this ivory tower forever. Unfortunately Ged has had to cancel so I find myself alone again. I can’t say I blame Barry for using the tickets but under the circumstances, I felt it was better for me not to go. I’m not being a martyr, just sensible for once. Things are so volatile at the moment so I think I shouldn't risk breaking anymore eggshells. Think I'll spend the evening practising my tip-toeing.
.
I found myself reacting in typical ana-mode earlier – Ginny texted me to say how nice it was to see me yesterday (liar, liar) and that I looked great. Of course for ‘great’ I read ‘fat’ (or at least fatter). Why? & even is she did mean that, does it matter? Bothered?
Lizzie's diary, 28th February 2008
Diary entry: 26th February
.
This week has been a real struggle. Although Hannah has been in touch regularly, there is only so much she can do. I’ve felt my resolve waning and I have been really low today. I’ve tried to keep myself ‘up’ and busy but it feels like a real façade. I can’t allow myself to get depressed and wallow in self-pity, but I could do with a little TLC. I don’t want to admit how I really feel to anyone, just want to reassure them that it is going well when actually it is not getting easier at all.
.
Decided to try another approach to my afternoon snack as previous tacks have not been wholly successful – macadamia nuts and dried cranberries nibbled while practicing the piano. One to be eaten every time I made a mistake. Very filling (I’m no Ashkenazy) but not too bad as snacks go. And it goes to show that you really are what you eat (nuts. Ho ho ho.)
.
But the main problem now is that it is 6 o’clock already. I’ve got to defrost something for dinner but I don’t want to have to think about food anymore. Oh dear, it is all going pear-shaped. I know how it feels.
.
This week has been a real struggle. Although Hannah has been in touch regularly, there is only so much she can do. I’ve felt my resolve waning and I have been really low today. I’ve tried to keep myself ‘up’ and busy but it feels like a real façade. I can’t allow myself to get depressed and wallow in self-pity, but I could do with a little TLC. I don’t want to admit how I really feel to anyone, just want to reassure them that it is going well when actually it is not getting easier at all.
.
Decided to try another approach to my afternoon snack as previous tacks have not been wholly successful – macadamia nuts and dried cranberries nibbled while practicing the piano. One to be eaten every time I made a mistake. Very filling (I’m no Ashkenazy) but not too bad as snacks go. And it goes to show that you really are what you eat (nuts. Ho ho ho.)
.
But the main problem now is that it is 6 o’clock already. I’ve got to defrost something for dinner but I don’t want to have to think about food anymore. Oh dear, it is all going pear-shaped. I know how it feels.
Lizzie's diary, 26th February 2008
Diary entry: 26th February
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The window cleaner asked how my fundraising was going – apparently there was a piece in last week’s Banbury Guardian about it. I’m not sure I like being recognized for this – maybe it was a mistake after all. Barry was pee-ed off last week as he doesn’t like his patients commenting on it and being “famous for being married to an anorexic.” Well, if I continue to get over it, perhaps he’ll be happier to be famous for being married to a recovered one.
.
I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar
Nikky just phoned, hot off the slopes. It is lovely to know she is thinking of me. I miss her. She is one of the first true friends I have had.
Some of the nicest times recently have been with her – and all of them ostensibly very ordinary. Giggling like school girls over absolutely nothing, making salami puffs while she got ready to go out, her bringing me a consignment of cheesecakes without being asked. Just kind, thoughtful things that you (or rather I) don’t expect people to do. The kind of things that I do (and enjoy doing) for others but don’t feel I merit having done for me. The only way to have a friend is to be one.
I just hope I don’t do anything to ruin it.
.
Mummy Stas has also been an enormous comfort to me, her constant, unquestioning, unconditional support and love have helped me so much. It has made me realize though that it is not so much ones friends’ help that helps us, as the confidence of their help. I read a lovely quote by someone called Dag Hammarskjold (no, I’ve never heard of him either) that friendship needs no words – it is solitude delivered from loneliness. How true.
.
I suppose I should write something about my appointment yesterday. I think Nicky Boughton is ok with me carrying on like this, but has emphasized the importance of increasing the calorie intake in order to maintain the weight gain, something which Hannah and I need to address when she gets back. But having spent the best part of an hour analyzing what is going wrong, I cannot brings myself to think about it anymore.
.
The window cleaner asked how my fundraising was going – apparently there was a piece in last week’s Banbury Guardian about it. I’m not sure I like being recognized for this – maybe it was a mistake after all. Barry was pee-ed off last week as he doesn’t like his patients commenting on it and being “famous for being married to an anorexic.” Well, if I continue to get over it, perhaps he’ll be happier to be famous for being married to a recovered one.
.
I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar
Nikky just phoned, hot off the slopes. It is lovely to know she is thinking of me. I miss her. She is one of the first true friends I have had.
Some of the nicest times recently have been with her – and all of them ostensibly very ordinary. Giggling like school girls over absolutely nothing, making salami puffs while she got ready to go out, her bringing me a consignment of cheesecakes without being asked. Just kind, thoughtful things that you (or rather I) don’t expect people to do. The kind of things that I do (and enjoy doing) for others but don’t feel I merit having done for me. The only way to have a friend is to be one.
I just hope I don’t do anything to ruin it.
.
Mummy Stas has also been an enormous comfort to me, her constant, unquestioning, unconditional support and love have helped me so much. It has made me realize though that it is not so much ones friends’ help that helps us, as the confidence of their help. I read a lovely quote by someone called Dag Hammarskjold (no, I’ve never heard of him either) that friendship needs no words – it is solitude delivered from loneliness. How true.
.
I suppose I should write something about my appointment yesterday. I think Nicky Boughton is ok with me carrying on like this, but has emphasized the importance of increasing the calorie intake in order to maintain the weight gain, something which Hannah and I need to address when she gets back. But having spent the best part of an hour analyzing what is going wrong, I cannot brings myself to think about it anymore.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Weigh-in results
Hoorah...
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A GAIN of 0.2 kg
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Unfortunately it's not the lb per week that we require but considering that there are plenty of scenarios that haven't been exactly like the normal routine it's pretty good. I'm off 'gallivanting' so Lizzie's got to cope with one or two lunches by herself this week and so far (I hope) has only had minor slippage with one sandwich as apposed to 1.5 sarnies on one of the days. But she still made the sandwich home alone, all progress!
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What's more, I believe this is the first time (ever?) that Lizzie's gained weight two weeks in a row whilst out of hospital so huge pat on back.
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Apologies for lack of regular postings this week... I'm trying to type on a German keyboard where the 'y's are swapped with the 'z's, the apostrophe is in a totally illogical place and the whole thing is dotted with landmines of ö, ü, ä, ß, amongst other things. Next bumper load on Tuesday, barring any catastrophes (broken limbs etc.)
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And finally, I'm afraid there isn't an e-mail going out to the mailing list this week as my computer with all the addresses on has been left at home. But don't panic, you are all still included on it!
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Thanks again everyone for your continued support, sponsorship and comments! Remember, many of you still owe money for the last gain so get cracking with payments at www.justgiving.com/lizziegrimaldi
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Love Hannah
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What's more, I believe this is the first time (ever?) that Lizzie's gained weight two weeks in a row whilst out of hospital so huge pat on back.
.
Apologies for lack of regular postings this week... I'm trying to type on a German keyboard where the 'y's are swapped with the 'z's, the apostrophe is in a totally illogical place and the whole thing is dotted with landmines of ö, ü, ä, ß, amongst other things. Next bumper load on Tuesday, barring any catastrophes (broken limbs etc.)
.
And finally, I'm afraid there isn't an e-mail going out to the mailing list this week as my computer with all the addresses on has been left at home. But don't panic, you are all still included on it!
.
Thanks again everyone for your continued support, sponsorship and comments! Remember, many of you still owe money for the last gain so get cracking with payments at www.justgiving.com/lizziegrimaldi
.
Love Hannah
Lizzie's diary, 26th February 2008
Diary entry: 26th February
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Great. What a relief - a gain this week. Maybe not enough (0.2kg) but a gain nonetheless. You see, I knew I was back on track. It's so ratifying to see my efforts translated into pounds.
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"It's a very odd thing
As odd as can be
That whatever Lizzie G eats
Turns into Lizzie G"
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Good timing as I'm off to Cotswold House this afternoon.
.
Great. What a relief - a gain this week. Maybe not enough (0.2kg) but a gain nonetheless. You see, I knew I was back on track. It's so ratifying to see my efforts translated into pounds.
.
"It's a very odd thing
As odd as can be
That whatever Lizzie G eats
Turns into Lizzie G"
.
Good timing as I'm off to Cotswold House this afternoon.
Lizzie's diary, 25th February 2008
Diary entry: 25th February
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I feel terribly alone. Barry has gone back to London after enduring lunch with me, and with no Hannah or Nikky here for comfort, I'm a bit lost. I know what I have to do but somehow trying to fill the time until you have to eat again is not easy without having someone to help take your mind off it. The Clinutren is getting harder and harder to swallow. I know it's the dreaded weigh-in tomorrow, and I am also going to see Nicky Boughton so I guess it is hardly surprising that I'm a bit wound up.
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Lunch is a bit angst-ridden. When I know I am under scrutiny, behaviours try to creep in. Come back Hannah - all is forgiven!
.
I tried to keep calm (I've bought shares in Rescue Remedy). I'm, trying to get back to eating normally, part of which is being able to have lunch together. Life appears on hold rather than moving forward (albeit at a snail's pace) and getting over this. Unfortunately this rather painful and unpalatable process has to be endured.
.
I feel terribly alone. Barry has gone back to London after enduring lunch with me, and with no Hannah or Nikky here for comfort, I'm a bit lost. I know what I have to do but somehow trying to fill the time until you have to eat again is not easy without having someone to help take your mind off it. The Clinutren is getting harder and harder to swallow. I know it's the dreaded weigh-in tomorrow, and I am also going to see Nicky Boughton so I guess it is hardly surprising that I'm a bit wound up.
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Lunch is a bit angst-ridden. When I know I am under scrutiny, behaviours try to creep in. Come back Hannah - all is forgiven!
.
I tried to keep calm (I've bought shares in Rescue Remedy). I'm, trying to get back to eating normally, part of which is being able to have lunch together. Life appears on hold rather than moving forward (albeit at a snail's pace) and getting over this. Unfortunately this rather painful and unpalatable process has to be endured.
Lizzie's diary, 24th February 2008
Diary entry: 24th February 2008
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Just when I thought it was safe.
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Why do emotions have to be so flipping emotional? Apropos of absolutely nothing, I needed to scream and yell and generally behave like a raving lunatic. Poor Barry was unfortunate enough to be caught in the firing line. But luckily he had the sense to make himself scarce until it had blown over.
.
Q: Why are men like mascara?
A: They run at the slightest display of emotion.
Boom boom.
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So what was I going to write? I was never a Bluebird. Our loss.
Back to life. Reality calls.
Oh yes, I'm my own worst enemy. That was it.
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Bit too random all of that. A stream of semi-consciousness. But you try writing when you are tired and emotional. It's that word again.
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Just when I thought it was safe.
.
Why do emotions have to be so flipping emotional? Apropos of absolutely nothing, I needed to scream and yell and generally behave like a raving lunatic. Poor Barry was unfortunate enough to be caught in the firing line. But luckily he had the sense to make himself scarce until it had blown over.
.
Q: Why are men like mascara?
A: They run at the slightest display of emotion.
Boom boom.
.
So what was I going to write? I was never a Bluebird. Our loss.
Back to life. Reality calls.
Oh yes, I'm my own worst enemy. That was it.
.
Bit too random all of that. A stream of semi-consciousness. But you try writing when you are tired and emotional. It's that word again.
Lizzie's diary, 22nd February 2008
Diary entry: 22nd February
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It's very difficult to write down everything that is happening when it seems to be happening so quickly.
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It is very scary not having Hannah here. She is such a grounding element in all this. So, I don't know, real. Normal. Without her I feel slightly adrift. Like I have to make all the decisions.
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It's very difficult to write down everything that is happening when it seems to be happening so quickly.
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It is very scary not having Hannah here. She is such a grounding element in all this. So, I don't know, real. Normal. Without her I feel slightly adrift. Like I have to make all the decisions.
Lizzie's diary, 21st February 2008
Diary entry: 21st February
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So. Our last lunch before Hannah goes off gallivanting in Austria for ten days. How do I feel? (Sorry, just need to slam this window of opportunity shut before the anorexic gremlin doing cartwheels of glee outside it has a chance to wheedle its way in.)
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I'll miss her (I'm sure the feeling is not mutual) She is an enormous support to me and I couldn't have come this far without her. She has a very old head on her young shoulders and really knows her own mind. (Funny, both those things were written in my school reports when I was 12.) You don't argue with Hannah. Well not unless you value your head. I'll just have to imagine her reaction (the ubiquitous eyeroll - must think up an emoticon for that) whenever I feel myself teetering on the brink of behaviourism.
.
I don't feel ready to be left on my own and I need to institute a pro tempore support system to prevent myself succumbing to the temptation to restrict which is still frightening pervasive. Had a little wibble as it was coming up to lunchtime. No-one around to invigilate. What to do? What to do?
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Decided to risk interrupting Hannah's holiday and texted for help. Luckily she was on hand so could talk me through making the sandwich. Now all I have to do is eat it.
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I'm pretty proud of myself actually. Sitting on my own and eating a proper sandwich. I concede it was one rather than one and a half, but still I gave myself a bloody good pat on the back. Well done! (I'm allowed to say that).
.
So. Our last lunch before Hannah goes off gallivanting in Austria for ten days. How do I feel? (Sorry, just need to slam this window of opportunity shut before the anorexic gremlin doing cartwheels of glee outside it has a chance to wheedle its way in.)
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I'll miss her (I'm sure the feeling is not mutual) She is an enormous support to me and I couldn't have come this far without her. She has a very old head on her young shoulders and really knows her own mind. (Funny, both those things were written in my school reports when I was 12.) You don't argue with Hannah. Well not unless you value your head. I'll just have to imagine her reaction (the ubiquitous eyeroll - must think up an emoticon for that) whenever I feel myself teetering on the brink of behaviourism.
.
I don't feel ready to be left on my own and I need to institute a pro tempore support system to prevent myself succumbing to the temptation to restrict which is still frightening pervasive. Had a little wibble as it was coming up to lunchtime. No-one around to invigilate. What to do? What to do?
.
Decided to risk interrupting Hannah's holiday and texted for help. Luckily she was on hand so could talk me through making the sandwich. Now all I have to do is eat it.
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I'm pretty proud of myself actually. Sitting on my own and eating a proper sandwich. I concede it was one rather than one and a half, but still I gave myself a bloody good pat on the back. Well done! (I'm allowed to say that).
Lizzie's diary, 20th February 2008
Diary entry: 20th February
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I am totally overwhelmed and humbled by the kindness of strangers (and of those who are not so strange). In particular one comment brought tears to my eyes. For someone who doesn't know me to say they are listening with compassion rather than chagrin, that they are not rolling their eyes any more than if their daughter was sick from chemo, is such a comfort when I am feeling misunderstood. So thankyou, whoever you may be. Another really helpful suggestion was to put a warm pad on my stomach to help digestion - it actually works (even better if the warm pad is a wheat-filled sheep - thankyou Nanny!)
.
I hope my digestive system is getting a bit more used to working again - it doesn't seem to be complaining quite so much (touch wood) although whether that is due to the constant supply of peppermint tea and rescue remedy who knows? I don't care, as long as it keeps improving.
.
According to Brillat-Savarin, "Digestion, of all the bodily functions, is the one which exercises the greatest influence on the mental state of the individual"
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Gerry posited that it is unlikely that I am absorbing as much as I should be and he could be right. All too often (and sorry to be so scatological) things are still as they went in (if-you-understand-me-sort-of-business).
.
Changing the subject rapidly.
.
I've just looked back through some of the comments and realized that they are a huge part of this. To have such support from friends and anonymouses (anonymice?) is invaluable. I am learning so much, not just about myself and how I deal with stuff, but how other people are. That it is ok to just be. That one of the most important things in life is to make other people feel good - but genuinely. Without an agenda. Just because you want to. Altruism. It is not all about how hard you work, how much you earn and how much you have. The extraneous material accoutrements of life are baubles (albeit very pretty baubles) and hollow baubles at that.
.
"A fully gorged belly never produced a sprightly mind", so don't expect too much of me. Just back from lunch chez Shergolds and I am well and truly stuffed. Why is it that just when I think I am coping with quantities, I find myself completely floored? I kept thinking I was hallucinating and that I'd been given a magical plate that kept replenishing itself. Luckily I've got a massage booked this afternoon, so hopefully that'll take my mind off my stomach for a while.
.
Well I've been pummeled to within an inch of my life. I feel like I've been put through a mangle. It was great though, I must remember to do it more often.
.
Still stuffed from that humungous lunch. And it's almost dinner time. So on with the Sisyphean task in hand.
.
I am totally overwhelmed and humbled by the kindness of strangers (and of those who are not so strange). In particular one comment brought tears to my eyes. For someone who doesn't know me to say they are listening with compassion rather than chagrin, that they are not rolling their eyes any more than if their daughter was sick from chemo, is such a comfort when I am feeling misunderstood. So thankyou, whoever you may be. Another really helpful suggestion was to put a warm pad on my stomach to help digestion - it actually works (even better if the warm pad is a wheat-filled sheep - thankyou Nanny!)
.
I hope my digestive system is getting a bit more used to working again - it doesn't seem to be complaining quite so much (touch wood) although whether that is due to the constant supply of peppermint tea and rescue remedy who knows? I don't care, as long as it keeps improving.
.
According to Brillat-Savarin, "Digestion, of all the bodily functions, is the one which exercises the greatest influence on the mental state of the individual"
.
Gerry posited that it is unlikely that I am absorbing as much as I should be and he could be right. All too often (and sorry to be so scatological) things are still as they went in (if-you-understand-me-sort-of-business).
.
Changing the subject rapidly.
.
I've just looked back through some of the comments and realized that they are a huge part of this. To have such support from friends and anonymouses (anonymice?) is invaluable. I am learning so much, not just about myself and how I deal with stuff, but how other people are. That it is ok to just be. That one of the most important things in life is to make other people feel good - but genuinely. Without an agenda. Just because you want to. Altruism. It is not all about how hard you work, how much you earn and how much you have. The extraneous material accoutrements of life are baubles (albeit very pretty baubles) and hollow baubles at that.
.
"A fully gorged belly never produced a sprightly mind", so don't expect too much of me. Just back from lunch chez Shergolds and I am well and truly stuffed. Why is it that just when I think I am coping with quantities, I find myself completely floored? I kept thinking I was hallucinating and that I'd been given a magical plate that kept replenishing itself. Luckily I've got a massage booked this afternoon, so hopefully that'll take my mind off my stomach for a while.
.
Well I've been pummeled to within an inch of my life. I feel like I've been put through a mangle. It was great though, I must remember to do it more often.
.
Still stuffed from that humungous lunch. And it's almost dinner time. So on with the Sisyphean task in hand.
Lizzie's diary, 19th February 2008
Diary entry: 19th February
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Very disappointed. Not just in the lack of weight gain, but in myself. I should have been stronger. Stronger to overcome all the hurdles that presented themselves. Unfortunately it just comes down to me, I have to be the one to do something - if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. I'm really surprised just how I feel about this - I would have thought I would have been relieved that I hadn't gained weight for the 2nd week but I wasn't. If only I had been able to keep the momentum up rather than succumb to the temptation offered to me by my over-kind husband.
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After the messed up few days, I'm finding it hard to switch straight back into it. I haven't gone back to square one by any means, but I couldn't add in another snack as we had planned. But I'm back on the right tracks again and I am not going to be pushed off them again.
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Very disappointed. Not just in the lack of weight gain, but in myself. I should have been stronger. Stronger to overcome all the hurdles that presented themselves. Unfortunately it just comes down to me, I have to be the one to do something - if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. I'm really surprised just how I feel about this - I would have thought I would have been relieved that I hadn't gained weight for the 2nd week but I wasn't. If only I had been able to keep the momentum up rather than succumb to the temptation offered to me by my over-kind husband.
.
After the messed up few days, I'm finding it hard to switch straight back into it. I haven't gone back to square one by any means, but I couldn't add in another snack as we had planned. But I'm back on the right tracks again and I am not going to be pushed off them again.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Weigh-in results and sponsorship update
Chaps and chappesses,
There is good and bad news this week. We'll start with the bad news...
No gain this week sadly. Many distractions and a long weekend with Barry rather than with constant nagging from Hannah the Horrid has upset the routine slightly, but what we mustn't do is assume that the only way to keep at this challenge is to completely avoid the more difficult obstacles. Lizzie's got to learn from this and know that if it's possible to gain weight (to all intents and purposes) by herself, then there's no reason why she can't stick to exactly the same routine with another body in the house. We've discussed the strong temptations both to 'invite' problems and also to use those problems as excuses to not stick at the routine. Overall, provided Lizzie learns from this (and improves this week and not in 6 months time!) then it's been a worthwhile experience.
And the good news...
You all owe money to the Hospice of St. Francis!!!
The deal was that any weight gain had to be maintained for one week before it counted as a proper gain... and now for the first time, here we are with pounds for pounds! The total amount raised for this first pound is approximately:
£2100
Congratulations to Lizzie and to every supporter that has helped her on the way. I know you'll all be very disappointed is there isn't an improvement next week but we'll be working on it. Please visit the webpage www.justgiving.com/lizziegrimaldi and donate your Pounds for Pounds figure, and remember to tick the box that enables the tax relief, it really does make a difference.
As is mentioned in the diary, I am going away on Friday for 10 days and although I'll be in touch with Lizzie, there will be changes to incorporate into the routine. But she CAN do it, and had better do it otherwise 'Hannah the Horrid' will return 'Hannah the Hideously Horrendous' on the 3rd March!
As always, please e-mail hannah@hannahshergold.com if you'd like to be added to the mailing list which will let you know when the blog is updated. If you'd like to sponsor Lizzie then please have a look at the November post entitled 'The Donation System' and follow the instructions.
Thanks everyone, keep those comments coming in!
H
Lizzie's diary, 19th February 2008
Diary entry: 19th February
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I suppose I should be grateful for small mercies - at least I avoided the cliche of losing all the weight I gained last week, but it would have been so nice to have another equivalent gain this week. What it has proved is just how important sticking to the routine is - I have to get firmly back on track this week. I cannot allow myself (or anyone else) to deviate from my road back to health, however tempting it may be. Ok, i risk upsetting Barry, but I'm sure he is big enough to shoulder it - as long as he can see it is for the best (Fortifresh).
Lizzie's diary, 18th February 2008
Diary entry: 18th February
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Apologies for the hiatus. So much to say but so few words. Who is going to invent a pause button for life?
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I’m a bit worried. Hannah is going away at the end of this week and I’m not sure how I am going to cope without the nagging! Although I completely understand that she has her own life, I do need her. I need her support at the moment; I’m not ready to take over yet. It would be very easy to reassure her that I’m doing fine on my own, but I would be lying. I can’t pretend. This is too important to risk just because I’m scared of appearing needy and demanding. Although I think I can do it on my own, I’m not sure. It is now “lunchtime”. Barry has gone back to London and I haven’t heard from Hannah since I texted her yesterday. What should I do? Call her and tell her how let down and disappointed I’m feeling? Make myself a sandwich and try to eat it on my own? I’ve got to do it sometime. I’m just not ready yet. I’m not sure I can. I just hope she contacts me.
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I’m a bit worried. Hannah is going away at the end of this week and I’m not sure how I am going to cope without the nagging! Although I completely understand that she has her own life, I do need her. I need her support at the moment; I’m not ready to take over yet. It would be very easy to reassure her that I’m doing fine on my own, but I would be lying. I can’t pretend. This is too important to risk just because I’m scared of appearing needy and demanding. Although I think I can do it on my own, I’m not sure. It is now “lunchtime”. Barry has gone back to London and I haven’t heard from Hannah since I texted her yesterday. What should I do? Call her and tell her how let down and disappointed I’m feeling? Make myself a sandwich and try to eat it on my own? I’ve got to do it sometime. I’m just not ready yet. I’m not sure I can. I just hope she contacts me.
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I decided that rather than get into a state waiting to see if she was going to, I would give her a little nudge in the form of an “are you ok?” text. Whether or not she had intended to come became irrelevant – she did, and we had lunch. Sorted.
I decided that rather than get into a state waiting to see if she was going to, I would give her a little nudge in the form of an “are you ok?” text. Whether or not she had intended to come became irrelevant – she did, and we had lunch. Sorted.
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I’m in a bit of a quandary. I’m nervous about getting weighed tomorrow. What happens if I haven’t gained as much weight this week? Maybe I should put it off until Wednesday. Although the week started off really well, the weekend wasn’t as good as it could have been. I really tried to stick to what I knew I had to do, but it was not wholly successful. But on the other hand, it might have been. That is the problem, I don’t know. Whereas I should be able to calculate what I have done and make a reasonable judgment as to how much I will have gained, I can’t. And it is my own fault for allowing myself to upset the routine. So do I stick to Tuesday weighing or do I give myself a day to get back into the swing of things?
I’m in a bit of a quandary. I’m nervous about getting weighed tomorrow. What happens if I haven’t gained as much weight this week? Maybe I should put it off until Wednesday. Although the week started off really well, the weekend wasn’t as good as it could have been. I really tried to stick to what I knew I had to do, but it was not wholly successful. But on the other hand, it might have been. That is the problem, I don’t know. Whereas I should be able to calculate what I have done and make a reasonable judgment as to how much I will have gained, I can’t. And it is my own fault for allowing myself to upset the routine. So do I stick to Tuesday weighing or do I give myself a day to get back into the swing of things?
Lizzie's diary, 15th February 2008
Diary entry: 15th February
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I’m torn between liking having the energy to do more and wanting to do more, and hating the feelings of fatness. Everything feels tight and my face is all puffy. I know it is to be expected and I just have to put up with it. I just must not give in to the temptation to cut back and try to regain control of everything. Remember how bad it feels. This may not feel nice, but at least it is different – nothing worse that stagnating in familiar Stygian waters. Better the devil I don’t know in this case.
Lizzie's diary, 13th February 2008
Diary entry: 13th February
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I wonder. Is it possible that I really am going to be able to get through this and lead a “normal” life? It’s a beautiful day – brilliant blue sky and sunshine. The sheep and horses are in the field and there’s a carpet of snowdrops in the garden. So to take my mind off dietary things, I walked into the village to post B’s Valentine’s card. I met a lovely lady who keeps chickens who gave me a couple of her eggs (her chicken’s eggs, obviously) “for my lunch”. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I wouldn’t be having them (egg sandwiches anyone? Brings back olfactory memories of school packed lunches and the embarrassment as you lifted the lid of your lunchbox and it was egg). But we will have them sometime. It was so…normal! That’s what people do. When I got back, I had a phone interview with “Moncrieff” of Ireland’s Newstalk radio. Despite predictable nerves, it was fine and he was lovely (with an accent to die for). I’ve asked them if they might make a donation to the charity so watch this space…
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Strange feelings. Saying goodbye to what I had become used to and trying to recognize whether these feelings are those of normality. I have to accept that these unfamiliar feeling have to be endured. I cannot know whether they are right or not, so I have no choice but to “sit with them” (ghastly expression, reminds me of Pinny of the Priory). Just get on with something else and perhaps the uncomfortable-ness of it all will go away. I know stuff happens during this gaining weight period, that my emotions will go haywire, that I’ll fight it, try to get out of it, feel huge, worry about how much and how quickly things are happening etc etc and as long as I recognize, acknowledge and accept that it is text book stuff, I can keep moving forward. I must not get hung up on it. Just sometimes I need to talk it through with someone who is not going to react with an eyeroll, a “typical ‘behaviour’” comment or with anger. So perhaps this diary is a good outlet for my deranged thoughts. No-one else is going to listen without prejudice. Whether or not it is “real”, I do feel full, fat etc etc – solid more than anything else and it is an uncomfortable alien feeling. But it is no worse than feeling detached, starved, empty, fractious and all the other things that restricting engenders. Or is it? Is this definitely the way I want to go?
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Strange feelings. Saying goodbye to what I had become used to and trying to recognize whether these feelings are those of normality. I have to accept that these unfamiliar feeling have to be endured. I cannot know whether they are right or not, so I have no choice but to “sit with them” (ghastly expression, reminds me of Pinny of the Priory). Just get on with something else and perhaps the uncomfortable-ness of it all will go away. I know stuff happens during this gaining weight period, that my emotions will go haywire, that I’ll fight it, try to get out of it, feel huge, worry about how much and how quickly things are happening etc etc and as long as I recognize, acknowledge and accept that it is text book stuff, I can keep moving forward. I must not get hung up on it. Just sometimes I need to talk it through with someone who is not going to react with an eyeroll, a “typical ‘behaviour’” comment or with anger. So perhaps this diary is a good outlet for my deranged thoughts. No-one else is going to listen without prejudice. Whether or not it is “real”, I do feel full, fat etc etc – solid more than anything else and it is an uncomfortable alien feeling. But it is no worse than feeling detached, starved, empty, fractious and all the other things that restricting engenders. Or is it? Is this definitely the way I want to go?
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Lizzie's diary, 12th February 2008
Diary entry: 12th February
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Hallelujah!
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Thank heavens for that. A rise of 0.6kg to 37.7kg. What a relief – something to show for all the effort. Now will they all believe me? All I have to do now is resist the temptation to ease off. I need to do this every week.
Thank heavens for that. A rise of 0.6kg to 37.7kg. What a relief – something to show for all the effort. Now will they all believe me? All I have to do now is resist the temptation to ease off. I need to do this every week.
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What has surprised me most is how genuinely pleased I am.
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I think we could do with some advice on how to proceed. It would just be too predictable to let myself off the hook and not continue to gain. I am absolutely determined not to lose what I have worked so hard to gain, I mustn't slip backwards. But I am also, understandably, worried that this is too much to have put on in a week and will the weight just go up and up? Hannah is dead set on 3 meals, 3 snacks and 2 Clinutren but that is too much. The most I have managed so far is meals plus 2 Clinutren and 2 snacks but that was just for one day. Going on what Nicky said yesterday, I should be on 2000 calories which pretty much equates to what I feel is achievable and tolerable - meals plus 2 Clinutren and 1 snack (or 1 Clinutren and 2 snacks). Then we can see if that will give us a regular pound per week gain, if not, add another snack. I cannot risk panicking now. I have to do this again next week or i will lose any credibility I have managed to scrape up.
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I think we could do with some advice on how to proceed. It would just be too predictable to let myself off the hook and not continue to gain. I am absolutely determined not to lose what I have worked so hard to gain, I mustn't slip backwards. But I am also, understandably, worried that this is too much to have put on in a week and will the weight just go up and up? Hannah is dead set on 3 meals, 3 snacks and 2 Clinutren but that is too much. The most I have managed so far is meals plus 2 Clinutren and 2 snacks but that was just for one day. Going on what Nicky said yesterday, I should be on 2000 calories which pretty much equates to what I feel is achievable and tolerable - meals plus 2 Clinutren and 1 snack (or 1 Clinutren and 2 snacks). Then we can see if that will give us a regular pound per week gain, if not, add another snack. I cannot risk panicking now. I have to do this again next week or i will lose any credibility I have managed to scrape up.
Weigh-in results
At long last...
.A GAIN OF 0.6 kg or 1.3 lbs
.We are currently dancing a ceremonial jig of joy! Quite ungainly but who cares? It would appear that we have finally begun to get the measure of this. After this week we have a little more understanding of what sort of amounts, calorie-wise, must be consumed. And the real battle will be overcoming the mental hurdle to not just maintain, but gain again next week.
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Yesterday's visit to Cotswold House has hopefully given Lizzie even more incentive to stick at this. Much as the work that the staff do there and the care that is provided is second to none, let's face it - it doesn't match up to lunch out on the deck at home! Our target is to gain a minimum of 1 lb per week. That's half what would be expected in hospital so it's certainly achievable. Let's hope the motivation remains... the physical task of eating will only get easier so it's purely a battle of wills between Lizzie and the gremlin.
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To receive updates of recent posts please e-mail hannah@hannahshergold.com and ask to be added to the mailing list. If you would like to sponsor Lizzie please read the November post entitled 'The Donation System' and follow the instructions.
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To all you lovely sponsors... hold your horses!! The deal was that any pounds gained had to be maintained for at least a week before they counted as a proper gain, so keep those comments of encouragement rolling in. Fingers crossed it's beginning to work!
Lizzie's diary, 11th February 2008
Diary entry: 11th February
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I really, really do not want to go to this appointment at Cotswold House but I know I need to, if only to remind myself what I am trying to avoid. Hannah has said she will come with me, although why I should inflict it on her, God only knows. I don't really know how to approach it. Maybe I should stop thinking about it and winding myself up and just get on with something else. Like what? Eating? (again already)
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This is not going well, my stomach is doing somersaults. I've dosed up on the RR but it doesn't seem to be working. Bloody homeopathic crap. Where's the real stuff? Despite having to eat it earlier than either of us wanted, Barry and I had a dejeuner sur l'herbe (somehow a cheese sandwich out on the deck doesn't have the same ring to it) and it was lovely. Sun shining, just talking. And it was really, like, normal.
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Well we went [to Cotswold House] and I don't know what to say really. I get the feeling Hannah has had enough, which is slightly demoralising. I know I can't expect her to be optimistic whatever, but I am starting to feel like she is doing it slightly grudgingly. Which is not to say I blame her. She must feel pretty fed up herself - as though she is the only one who really wants it, and that I am not fully committed. But I am. I have to be now. And I think one thing that has come out of today is that I need to get a wiggle on, dragging it out is going to make it more painful for all involved. If I've got to go through feeling like this (and I do, whether it is here or in hospital) I may as well force myself to feel a bit worse. Is adding two more snacks together going to be worse than one this week and one the next? It is not going to be easier waiting until I am used to it - I probably never will be. Someone likened it to ripping off a plaster. Do you ever remember it being less painful if you picked it off gradually? But we are not really going to know anything until we see what the scales say tomorrow.
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Nikky (Boughton) emphasised that at a BMI of 13, it was nigh on impossible to gain weight as an outpatient and I can understand why. Even if one does manage to gain a decent amount one week, how do you continue to gain and prevent yourself panicking? Also as an outpatient there are too many opportunities to slip into old bad habits. So it is not going to work if I am not 100% committed, if I feel I have the option of bargaining, if I feel I have a choice. I don't. Either I do it completely or I don't. I cannot afford myself the luxury of choice. I have to stick to this regime, to Hannah's regime, unequivocally. I have to trust in her and do as she says. No question. The less I fight, the quicker and easier it will. Shut up and eat up. I'd have to if I was in there.
Lizzie's diary, 9th February 2008
Diary entry: 9th February
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"It seems to me that our 3 basic needs, for food and security and love, are so mixed and mingled and entwined that we cannot straightly think of one without the others. So it happens that when I write of hunger, I am really writing about love and the hunger for it, and warmth and the love of it and the hunger for it; and then the warmth and richness and fine reality of hunger satisfied; and it is all one." (M. F. K. Fisher)
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I do not like this feeling at all. I need to be able to talk it through with someone. I hate feeling full, it troubles me but I have no idea why. I know it is the right thing but it is very hard to cope with on your own. There is no-one I can talk to about it. Hannah's attitude (understandably) is just f*****g do it. I can sense the eye roll when I tell her how full I am, that I can't eat any more, that I feel sick, fat, whatever. And yes, it does sound psychotic sometimes. But this is an illness and although I am trying to get through it, I'm finding it hard to unravel all these knotted skeins of neuroses alone. I think I need to be talking to someone while I gain the weight. How do I stop myself panicking. How do I know when it is enough. How do I trust that what Hannah tells me I should be eating is right? Of course it is predictable that I will think it is too much, but what if it really is and totally unreasonable? I just about managed yesterday's quotient (less 1 snack) but I am not doing quite so well today. H said I'd better get on with it or I'll never get through it by bedtime. True, but doesn't really help on the angst front. I've had to invest in some Rescue Remedy (although I'd probably do just as well with an aliquot of Calvados) to try to calm myself down. But I still feel like a bloody munchkin. Pilsbury doughman. With currants for eyes. Will I ever feel hungry again?
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There is a Hawaiian saying that you shouldn't eat until you are full but eat until you are tired. Well I'm tired now. Jaw ache. I've hit a bit of a brick wall in terms of capacity today. Which is a shame, because yesterday was really good. But I couldn't cram any more in today, so am two snacks down. I just had to let it filter down a bit. I don't know whether it was panic, physical satiation or a bit of both but I had to ease off a touch. Still, I've done really well on the meals and Clinutren so it is not all doom and gloom.
Lizzie's diary, 8th February 2008
Diary entry: 8th February
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This is it, no more increases. No more until we know how this is working. I can't keep eating more and more. Every day Hannah tries to introduce yet another snack, but this is where I draw the line. Let me get used to this for now.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Lizzie's diary, 6th February 2008
Diary entry: 6th February
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Today has got to be the day I do something. I have to. I can't have another day like yesterday. Anything is going to be better than that chasm of despair I found myself in. Please try it. For Hannah, for the hospice, for your friends, for Mim, for Barry. For yourself. Stop thinking and start doing. And try to keep breathing, it helps.
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Why do i just want to scream? I'm like a raving lunatic sometimes. Irrational, illogical, irascible and irritable. Or like Regan O'Neill. Now undo the straps.
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Why do I want to fight what is good for me? I was determined today was going to be pivotal and it is. Testament to that is that at the time of writing, I am sipping Clinutren Number 2 (Grapefruit flavour since you ask) No half measures. If nothing changes this week, it's not going to. Yes I'll kick and scream at every new mountain of food I have to scale (although it would be easier for all involved if I got on with it quietly). I will feel better but I'm bound to feel worse first. There is no other way out. I've burnt my bridges now I've got to lie in them.
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There, as if by magic, the Clinutren is finished. Mind over matter. My face feels like it is burning up - cheeks have gone all pink. This will pass. Keep breathing, it's ok. Makes a change, feeling too hot. I don't like it though. I thought these things were supposed to be easily assimilated. Could have fooled me.
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There have been a few comments about the lack of weight gain and the pros and cons of hospital admission. All of them helpful especially from those who have been through this either themselves or with a daughter. Obviously Hannah and I have discussed it and know that if nothing changes this week she is throwing in the towel and I'll admit defeat. I have to remind myself that defeat isn't the worst of failures, the true failure is not to have tried. And have we tried! And I'm still trying (yes, I know, very trying. Ha ha) But failure can be turned into success if you learn from it. Picasso said that action is the foundational key to all success, so its a good job I have started doing something.
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I found myself asking myself why I was scared of enjoying my dinner. It was actually quite nice for a change (I have developed a habit of ruining whatever I make and then having to force myself to eat it, however dried out & desiccated it has become). But rather than enjoying it, I almost had to invent ways not to. Bizarre. I gave myself a good talking to (first sign of madness, talking to yourself. Muttering) and forced myself to return to the feelings of 'yes - this tastes nice'. Plus it's good for you, it's the right thing to do etc. etc. And I got on with it. Was I worried by the fact that, 2 Clinutrens down, I should be too full to merit enjoyment - I shouldn't be "hungry" for more. Or if I finish it I will be so full. It's not that hard so stop making it. The Clinutren did go down. You didn't cease digesting - the feeling did wear off. And you've really achieved something today. Don't spoil it now. And don't you dare be tempted to not do the same tomorrow.
Lizzie's diary, 5th February 2008
Diary entry: 5th February
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Today is going to go down as an all time low. However bad you think you're going to feel, it can't be as bad as this. Do something.
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'If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.' Maya Angelou.
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Today is going to go down as an all time low. However bad you think you're going to feel, it can't be as bad as this. Do something.
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'If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.' Maya Angelou.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Lizzie's diary, 5th February 2008
Diary entry: 5th February
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I was right, I hadn't done enough. My weight was exactly the same. Boring. As Barry quite rightly said - people are just going to lose interest. Actually, I'm losing interest, got to do something dramatic this week or I'll be accused of procrastinating again.
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"It is the unknown that excites the ardour of scholars, who, in the known alone, would shrivel up with boredome" Wallace Stevens.
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Mim is right - I look ghastly. My face, which had always belied the fact that the rest of me is emaciated, is starting to look haggard. My eyes are sunken and embedded dark circles, and my mouth looks too big. Garry once said he thought I'd "had some work done". No - if the rest of your head resembles something from the Jivaro Clan, it's inevitable your features appear out of proportion. I need to do something, and fast. Carpe diem and all that.
Lizzie's diary, 4th February 2008
Diary entry: 4th February
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Maybe I should concentrate on the positives. The trouble is, that if I do I'm in danger of kidding myself that I'm doing alright and I'm not sure I am. I haven't done enough this week. I've failed on the Clinutren front and have done nothing to make up for that. I've disappointed myself and I think Hannah must be a bit pee-ed off. There I go again - started off wanting to write about positives and instead I've gone on about what I haven't done.
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Perhaps that is because there hasn't been much progress this week. Although there has - I know I keep harking back to lunch, but I am really chuffed. I'm pleasantly surprised by how quickly my body has accommodated it. I actually found myself quite enjoying it today. Barry was ever so sweet and volunteered to buy fresh bread (along with milk - but more of that anon) so we had rather yummy smoked salmon sandwiches together. A slight change from him having to sit opposite me eating a braeburn cut into eighths for months on end. This week I'm going to try having a milky drink before I go to bed which is something we had to do in the Priory. It's an obvious thing to do (shame I hate milk) - not only does it have a chance to reach those places it needs to without being burned off, it has the added bonus of inducing a honey-heavy dew of slumber.
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During my incarceration I patented "Chorlicks" - a carefully guarded secret blend of hot chocolate and horlicks. (Another of my inventions was "flutter" which was immediately banned as behavioural. Which led me to question of where one draws the line between preference and behaviour. I disliked their slightly rancid tasting individual pats of salted butter and found the prescribed volume of flora rather copious. By using half of each I got the lesser of the two evils. But despite them being equivalent in terms of calories, I was not allowed to have it. It nearly led to my discharge. Ok, looking back, it does seem pretty bonkers, but it mattered at the time. Maybe you had to be there.)
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Anyway back to Chorlicks. I'm just a bit worried that I'll still be too full after dinner, but I guess there's a pretty simple solution - eat earlier (durr). It'll feel uncomfortable for a bit, but whats a bit of discomfort in the grand scheme of things?
Lizzie's diary, 2nd February 2008
Diary entry: 2nd February
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I have this strange dichotomy. Part of me wants more care, part wants less. Part of me can't understand how little he wants to know about what is going on and part of me totally understands it. But unfortunately this is going on and until it is endured and resolved, it is not just going to disappear. However much we pretend, however long we go and play games, it's still here until we make it go away. I cannot get away from the fact that I have to eat more, I have to tolerate the feeling of eating more than I want, of having to finish everything and have dessert. I'm scared that I'm still tempted to duck out and not have what I probably should. I know how much I should be eating, I'm not stupid. Just scared. I'm scared of completely committing and scared of not committing. If I don't go the whole hog (oink) then I'm just prolonging it. And if I do commit? Then what? What exactly is it that scares me? Is it as simple as fear of the unknown? And why is that worse than the known? Try it, you might like it. And if you don't, don't keep doing it. Oh I don't know.
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If I'm functioning at this weight, do I really need to change? I need to really think about my motivation. Familiarity breeds contempt. No that's not the simile I'm looking for. Maybe familiarity breeds complacency. Well, something is making me think that perhaps I can exist at this weight. But that's all it is, Lizzie. Existing. Not living. I need another kick up the bony backside because I'm in real danger of re-calibrating my normality gauge.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Lizzie's diary, 31st January 2008
Diary entry: 31st January
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Over lunch to day Hannah asked me what my motivation was at the moment. Is it to get better or to stay out of hospital? That's a very good question and has got me thinking about my mindset over the past week or so. I think I had become focused on the deadline we had set ourselves and lost sight of the long-term goal and what it is that I really want from this. Which is to return to a normal life with a normal healthy attitude towards food and weight. Although I am learning that the range of what might be considered "normal" is far broader that I initially thought. Obviously I want to stay out of hospital but that must not be my sole aim. I can't live my life on the edge, constantly staving off disaster. I need to find a weight at which I am happy, but also one that allows me to lose a pound or two without initiating another crisis. What that weight is, only time will tell, and I have a feeling that my attitude will change as the weight comes on, and that I will become more acquiescent. At least I hope so. At the moment, 1.5 stone seems an enormous amount to gain. And 7 stone 4 feels an awful long way off.
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We are conducting an experiment with the Clinutren in an attempt to make it more palatable. So we are trying orange sorbet and vanilla ice-cream. Could be the next big thing. Perhaps we could have a cappucino of Clinutren or a Clinutren "foam".
We are conducting an experiment with the Clinutren in an attempt to make it more palatable. So we are trying orange sorbet and vanilla ice-cream. Could be the next big thing. Perhaps we could have a cappucino of Clinutren or a Clinutren "foam".
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I am SO cold. Just shivering. I thought eating was supposed to warm you up but I get terribly, terribly cold. I mean I've just had a hot dinner - salmon, potatoes and brocolli and I'm sitting here under a throw with my thermals and cashmere bedsocks, sporting a rather fetching pair of blue lips, a frostbitten nose and suffering from icecream head. I don't think I'll be sampling the sorbet tonight.
I am SO cold. Just shivering. I thought eating was supposed to warm you up but I get terribly, terribly cold. I mean I've just had a hot dinner - salmon, potatoes and brocolli and I'm sitting here under a throw with my thermals and cashmere bedsocks, sporting a rather fetching pair of blue lips, a frostbitten nose and suffering from icecream head. I don't think I'll be sampling the sorbet tonight.
Lizzie's diary, 30th January 2008
Diary entry: 30th January
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Why do I manage to make a hash of everything, I manage to do and say just the wrong thing, when things are going right. When I think I can relax and get on with a situation , I'm wrong. When I think I can rely on someone, I can't. I mustn't say what I feel without it being judged - I have to remember to engage brain before opening mouth. But then it is my choice to expose myself in this way so I have to accept that my immediate reactions are not going to be palatable to everyone, particularly not to me. If I can read back on them and condemn them, feel ashamed and wish they could be unsaid/unfelt/unthought, then it is hardly surprising that others would be more judgemental. So what should I do? Should I pretend that I don't feel like that? Then I would be fake and a hypocrite. Which is worse? I just need to accept that it is normal, real and human. Not necessarily nice and certainly not an attractive quality and one of which I am proud. But real. And all I can do is acknowledge it, try not to do it again and move on. And quit festering.
Lizzie's diary, 29th January 2008
Diary entry: 29th January
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I hate Tuesdays. The day to take stock and plan for the week ahead. I had to be honest with Hannah regarding the past week's Clinutren intake and admit that I had never realised the goal of 1.5 per day. She has also, quite rightly, questioned dinner portions. Her idea of a salmon fillet is rather different from mine. Last night she bought me a couple of pieces from the fishman. God knows what steroids this fish had been on but they were HUGE. So we subjected them to a weighing "sesh" (why should I be the only one to have to endure it) and the scales fell from my eyes. My idea of normal is evidently pretty skewed so I am going to have to resort to weighing things to ensure I am getting as much as I think I am. A further reality check came in the form of the humble potato which (Hannah pointed out) like man, was not meant to dwell alone. But I appreciate the potato only as a protection against famine, except for that, I know of nothing more eminently tasteless.
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“How much cheese is a handful? How much more or less is a cupful? What is the capacity of a glass, a tumbler, or a soup ladle? What is the difference between a suspicion and a pinch? How much more is a good pinch? How much wine is a little, how many olives a few? When a book says a tin of chopped almonds or pomegranate juice what are you supposed to understand by that?” (Elizabeth David)
“How much cheese is a handful? How much more or less is a cupful? What is the capacity of a glass, a tumbler, or a soup ladle? What is the difference between a suspicion and a pinch? How much more is a good pinch? How much wine is a little, how many olives a few? When a book says a tin of chopped almonds or pomegranate juice what are you supposed to understand by that?” (Elizabeth David)
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But seriously, I do have a real problem with portion control. Is it never more than you can lift or no bigger than your head?
But seriously, I do have a real problem with portion control. Is it never more than you can lift or no bigger than your head?
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Lizzie's diary, 29th January 2008
Diary entry: 29th January
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"Beware of people who don't eat; in general they are envious, foolish or nasty. Abstinence is an anti-social virtue" (Grimod de la Reyniere)
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I am thoroughly ashamed. I cannot believe I am such a bitch. I should never have thought, let alone written then posted those things about Hannah. How can I (almost literally) bite the hand that's feeding me? Sally is right, she doesn't deserve this. Horrid, ungrateful, ungracious, unappreciative, evil girl. I would not blame her for giving up on this, I just hope she doesn't. I have to remind myself that she is doing this for nothing and with no training. The least she should expect in return is my gratitude. She is giving me so much of her time - and for what? For my anorexic vituperative acerbity? Perhaps it would make it simpler if I was paying her. Not that that would give me an excuse to behave like that again, no money would make that acceptable. But it could provide some recompense for the time I am taking from her real work.
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I do need to explain to her why I reacted as I did. It is so hard to choose anything at the moment and it is just awful to be in a shop presented by shelf upon shelf of bread - all I want to do (as has happened on too many occasions) is drop my basket and run. I hate it. I just panic - it is easier to not buy anything at all. It is unfathomable and as I write this, even I can't think why it is so hard. But it is just an awful awful feeling. Like asking an alcoholic to go into an off-license and buy a bottle of fizzy water. It is totally irrational but it happens. And I guess in a way this is one shortcoming of this approach - I do have to buy and prepare my food. In a hospital situation all I would have to do is walk into the dining room, eat what is put in front of me and walk out again. I would also be able to vent my lunatic ravings to a nurse who was being paid to take my crap and could walk away from it at the end of the day. But I know which approach I want to take. So I had better start learning by my mistakes. I may not be able to control my emotions, but at least I can try to make them more palatable to those people about whom I care most.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Lizzie's diary, 29th January 2008
Diary entry: 29th January
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This is getting mighty boring - up by 0.1kg to 37kg. I guess with the funny tummy taken into consideration that's ok, but I could do with a big gain now. All the talking in the world is not going to make me better and the weight needs to go up now big time.
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This is getting mighty boring - up by 0.1kg to 37kg. I guess with the funny tummy taken into consideration that's ok, but I could do with a big gain now. All the talking in the world is not going to make me better and the weight needs to go up now big time.
Lizzie's diary, 28th January 2008
Diary entry: 28th January
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I'm rather worried by the fact that I've spent most of this morning on the loo. I do hope it wasn't the chicken sandwich. Can't have been, no-one else has had any ill-effects and surely it would have been quicker than that. Nor can I believe it is the Clinutren, and dinner last night was totally risk-free (no shellfish...). I'm very aware that this could affect tomorrow's weighing and that we are fast approaching the end of month deadline. Perhaps we should hold off judgement day until next Tuesday instead. Good idea - gives me a few extra days. I am also very aware that people will immediately think laxatives so perhaps I shouldn't mention this. And it might not have affected it anyway so I'll defer judgement until I see what the scales say tomorrow.
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Over the weekend, Barry asked if I had Googled "Lizzie Grimaldi". Well, no, I hadn't, but when I did I was surprised to say the least. One thing I came across was a "forum" on an eating disorders support site. Basically a discussion between "carers" of people with eating disorders. It was very interesting and I found myself agreeing with practically everything they said. One ("Sheepie") picked up on the fact that I was exhibiting typically eating-disordered thoughts (no shit Sherlock) such as picking up on the typo in the Telegraph article saying I was a stone heavier than I am. I wish I could shake off all these anorexic traits, but unfortunately I have mislaid my magic wand. They still rear their ugly heads with frightening regularity and no doubt will continue to do so until I have gained a substantial amount of weight. The best thing I can hope to do at the moment is smother them but all too often they're too strong for me to suppress. What I have to remember is that these people are going through a similar but very different type of hell. They have to believe that their approach to their daughters (or wives, girlfriends, sons, whatever) illness is right and they are perfectly entitled to their opinions, however unfounded and uninformed they may be. After all, they don't know me or my situation and from the outside it does look unconventional and "a starting point for disaster". But I have made such progress and I cannot let anyone or anything detract from that. If this is the right thing for me, then great. I'm not saying its for everyone. Until we have unravelled the secrets encoded by out DNA, there is no way anyone can prescribe a cure-all for any disease - let alone one so multifactorial as this.
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I'm rather worried by the fact that I've spent most of this morning on the loo. I do hope it wasn't the chicken sandwich. Can't have been, no-one else has had any ill-effects and surely it would have been quicker than that. Nor can I believe it is the Clinutren, and dinner last night was totally risk-free (no shellfish...). I'm very aware that this could affect tomorrow's weighing and that we are fast approaching the end of month deadline. Perhaps we should hold off judgement day until next Tuesday instead. Good idea - gives me a few extra days. I am also very aware that people will immediately think laxatives so perhaps I shouldn't mention this. And it might not have affected it anyway so I'll defer judgement until I see what the scales say tomorrow.
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Over the weekend, Barry asked if I had Googled "Lizzie Grimaldi". Well, no, I hadn't, but when I did I was surprised to say the least. One thing I came across was a "forum" on an eating disorders support site. Basically a discussion between "carers" of people with eating disorders. It was very interesting and I found myself agreeing with practically everything they said. One ("Sheepie") picked up on the fact that I was exhibiting typically eating-disordered thoughts (no shit Sherlock) such as picking up on the typo in the Telegraph article saying I was a stone heavier than I am. I wish I could shake off all these anorexic traits, but unfortunately I have mislaid my magic wand. They still rear their ugly heads with frightening regularity and no doubt will continue to do so until I have gained a substantial amount of weight. The best thing I can hope to do at the moment is smother them but all too often they're too strong for me to suppress. What I have to remember is that these people are going through a similar but very different type of hell. They have to believe that their approach to their daughters (or wives, girlfriends, sons, whatever) illness is right and they are perfectly entitled to their opinions, however unfounded and uninformed they may be. After all, they don't know me or my situation and from the outside it does look unconventional and "a starting point for disaster". But I have made such progress and I cannot let anyone or anything detract from that. If this is the right thing for me, then great. I'm not saying its for everyone. Until we have unravelled the secrets encoded by out DNA, there is no way anyone can prescribe a cure-all for any disease - let alone one so multifactorial as this.
Lizzie's diary, 26th January 2008
Diary entry: 26th January
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I need to write something about what's been happening but I don't really know what. Suffice to say it's better than it was. Things sort of came to a head, burst and we're gradually clearing up the pus. I can't pretend it didn't happen, but in time no doubt I'll forget a bit and things won't seem so raw. I hope we won't just slip back into bad habits, but I'm going to work at preventing that happening. I really hope Barry is not going to assume we can carry on as "normal". He needs to change too - in the way that he deals with this problem. Even if I do have to go into hospital (God forbid) until such time I need his total support in the approach that I'm taking. And I have to tell him what form that support needs to take - in one word of preferably less than one syllable. He cannot know instinctively when to "interfere" and when to butt out, but he'll learn. And it won't be forever. It will get easier.
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Lunch today was a first and although it felt slightly contrived, we did it and next time will be easier. It is so much more manageable than it was this time last week - it's amazing how you body can get used to things (I've got to keep telling myself this. I'm really struggling with the Clinutren though. I hate to admit it, but I'll use every excuse not to take it. Not sure why, apart from the fact it tastes gross, makes me feel sick and fills me up too much...
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I need to write something about what's been happening but I don't really know what. Suffice to say it's better than it was. Things sort of came to a head, burst and we're gradually clearing up the pus. I can't pretend it didn't happen, but in time no doubt I'll forget a bit and things won't seem so raw. I hope we won't just slip back into bad habits, but I'm going to work at preventing that happening. I really hope Barry is not going to assume we can carry on as "normal". He needs to change too - in the way that he deals with this problem. Even if I do have to go into hospital (God forbid) until such time I need his total support in the approach that I'm taking. And I have to tell him what form that support needs to take - in one word of preferably less than one syllable. He cannot know instinctively when to "interfere" and when to butt out, but he'll learn. And it won't be forever. It will get easier.
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Lunch today was a first and although it felt slightly contrived, we did it and next time will be easier. It is so much more manageable than it was this time last week - it's amazing how you body can get used to things (I've got to keep telling myself this. I'm really struggling with the Clinutren though. I hate to admit it, but I'll use every excuse not to take it. Not sure why, apart from the fact it tastes gross, makes me feel sick and fills me up too much...
Lizzie's diary, 25th January 2008
Diary entry: 25th January
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The rantings of Lizzie...
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I must admit I am getting pissed off with the lunch thing. What started off as "Right Lizzie - here's your lunch" has turned into me phoning Hannah to remind her we are out of bread followed by my trailing into Tescos to buy some (oh and while you are there, could you get...) I thought the whole point was to help me avoid having to choose the bloody stuff, prepare it and then eat the f****** cheese sandwich. I refuse to eat yet another stale doorstep so what is the alternative? Yeah maybe I haven't got anything else to do but I sure could find plenty rather that have to shop again. Why the hell couldn't she have thought of getting it. I know it's my problem and I've got to deal with it, but this ain't fair. What's the difference? And yes, I am cross, very cross, however unreasonable, it's how I feel.
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The rantings of Lizzie...
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I must admit I am getting pissed off with the lunch thing. What started off as "Right Lizzie - here's your lunch" has turned into me phoning Hannah to remind her we are out of bread followed by my trailing into Tescos to buy some (oh and while you are there, could you get...) I thought the whole point was to help me avoid having to choose the bloody stuff, prepare it and then eat the f****** cheese sandwich. I refuse to eat yet another stale doorstep so what is the alternative? Yeah maybe I haven't got anything else to do but I sure could find plenty rather that have to shop again. Why the hell couldn't she have thought of getting it. I know it's my problem and I've got to deal with it, but this ain't fair. What's the difference? And yes, I am cross, very cross, however unreasonable, it's how I feel.
Lizzie's diary, 25th January 2008
Diary entry: 25th January
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I can't just roll over. Curl up in a ball and die. I have to get through it and prove that against all odds it can be done. I cannot continue with this demi-life, this partial existence. There is so much more. There must be so much more. The comment from Ruth on the blog was wonderful - truly inspirational. I have to believe her. Actually, we've been really lucky with the response we have had (apart from a couple of anonymous ones questioning our responsibility. But we are not advocating this approach for everyone and yes, perhaps 7 stone 4 is sill underweight but its an achievable goal for me and is a darn sight healthier than 5 stone 11). I need to focus on the positive and ignore their negativistic attitudes and opinions. I have to surround myself with people who believe in this otherwise I'll go under. I really felt like giving up last night and admit, I didn't have the Clinutren but I think I'm back on track today. Not drowning, wavering.
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I'm not sure why that pissed me off to such an extent. Towards the end of my conversation with Mim, she questioned why I had to have cheese sandwiches (good question) and wanted to make alternative suggestions. Yeah well, if she wants to come over and make me something else, fine. But for now I'd rather not have to think and just get on and do it. It doesn't have to be 3 Michelin starred perfection. It's just lunch.
“Square meals, not adventurous ones, are what you should seek.”
Bryan Miller (NY Times Restaurant Critic)
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I felt rotten afterwards and had to phone her back to apologise for being snappish.
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I can't expect everyone to say the right thing - it's not deliberately done to upset me, it's just unthinking. I'm sure I say some really hurtful things completely unintentionally. And I am still supersensitive. My buffer zone is very small and I am too quick to overreact. I mustn't take thins so personally - it's not all about me. And I mustn't fixate on tiny minutiae. My concentration on little things blows them out of all proportion. Forget it. Gloss over it and it will disappear.
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I can't just roll over. Curl up in a ball and die. I have to get through it and prove that against all odds it can be done. I cannot continue with this demi-life, this partial existence. There is so much more. There must be so much more. The comment from Ruth on the blog was wonderful - truly inspirational. I have to believe her. Actually, we've been really lucky with the response we have had (apart from a couple of anonymous ones questioning our responsibility. But we are not advocating this approach for everyone and yes, perhaps 7 stone 4 is sill underweight but its an achievable goal for me and is a darn sight healthier than 5 stone 11). I need to focus on the positive and ignore their negativistic attitudes and opinions. I have to surround myself with people who believe in this otherwise I'll go under. I really felt like giving up last night and admit, I didn't have the Clinutren but I think I'm back on track today. Not drowning, wavering.
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I'm not sure why that pissed me off to such an extent. Towards the end of my conversation with Mim, she questioned why I had to have cheese sandwiches (good question) and wanted to make alternative suggestions. Yeah well, if she wants to come over and make me something else, fine. But for now I'd rather not have to think and just get on and do it. It doesn't have to be 3 Michelin starred perfection. It's just lunch.
“Square meals, not adventurous ones, are what you should seek.”
Bryan Miller (NY Times Restaurant Critic)
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I felt rotten afterwards and had to phone her back to apologise for being snappish.
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I can't expect everyone to say the right thing - it's not deliberately done to upset me, it's just unthinking. I'm sure I say some really hurtful things completely unintentionally. And I am still supersensitive. My buffer zone is very small and I am too quick to overreact. I mustn't take thins so personally - it's not all about me. And I mustn't fixate on tiny minutiae. My concentration on little things blows them out of all proportion. Forget it. Gloss over it and it will disappear.
Lizzie's diary, 24th January 2008
Diary entry: 24th January
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I guess its to much to ask that I might have had a run of more than 2 good days. I've felt like absolute s*** yesterday and today. Hang on a minute. That's the good thing about writing a diary - you can look back on things and see how you felt. And yes, a month ago almost to the day I felt the same. Who said I didn't have hormones? Feel better now I've identified the root of all this evil. Why am I bothering to do this? I'm not getting anywhere. I can't keep hoping against hope that things will change. I've got to change them myself or stand still. I can't control other people's behaviour. Get over it.
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I guess its to much to ask that I might have had a run of more than 2 good days. I've felt like absolute s*** yesterday and today. Hang on a minute. That's the good thing about writing a diary - you can look back on things and see how you felt. And yes, a month ago almost to the day I felt the same. Who said I didn't have hormones? Feel better now I've identified the root of all this evil. Why am I bothering to do this? I'm not getting anywhere. I can't keep hoping against hope that things will change. I've got to change them myself or stand still. I can't control other people's behaviour. Get over it.
Huge thank-yous!!!
We'd both like to say a huge thank-you to everyone who has been in touch since our post last Thursday and also to the new sponsors who have jumped on board. The response was pretty amazing, and even the e-mails from people who perhaps don't agree with this method made for very interesting and worthy reading.
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Here are some snippets:
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"I think if Lizzie is able to put on weight without being in hospital then that is definitely the best way, as obviously being in hospital has not cured her before, and I think at this stage it is unlikely ever to. I agree that Lizzie needs to be able to learn to eat normally in a natural environment, if she is kept alive just by people forcing her to eat then that is no way to live! ... I would also add, Lizzie should never let anyone 'write her off'. Yes, she has a disease, and to some extent it will always be there, but that doesn't mean it can't be controlled, and there is no evidence that hospitisation works as a long-term cure for adult anorexics, so good on you for trying this. ... It brings some peace to just accept that you have an illness and to learn to live with it rather than fighting it."
Mary
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"You mentioned you don't know of anyone who's done it this way....well I DID! I still struggle a bit, more so at some times, but the point is that I managed to get my weight from a dangerous 5 stone sort of level, back up to about 7. Exactly what you are trying to do. It wasn't easy. I had to implement the sort of routine I'd had in the priory and other hospitals...with meal plans, calorie amounts, supplements when necessary, plus pretty strict supervision at times. But it was so much more pleasant than feeling locked away and abandoned in a hospital. I could still enjoy the freedom of fresh air when I wanted it, I didn't have to wait for small windows of limited time in which to see or contact friends. You know the story...I just wanted you both to know that what you are doing has been done successfully before. I fought and fought being taken back into hospital, and I realised that I could use the stubborn strong-willed determined perfectionism and control that had driven me so low, to prove to people that I didn't need hospital and tubes.I hope you can do it. If you can't, you must also realise that is NOT failure, but the nature of the disease getting the upper hand. It's how it is."
Ruth
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"Like my own daughter you are such a lovely young women and whilst a sponsored eat for such a worthy cause (I live in Berkhamsted and know the Hospice well) is commendable, I do urge if you, are not having any at the moment, to seek treatment as well."
"Like my own daughter you are such a lovely young women and whilst a sponsored eat for such a worthy cause (I live in Berkhamsted and know the Hospice well) is commendable, I do urge if you, are not having any at the moment, to seek treatment as well."
Sue
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We came across a forum this week for parents of children with eating disorders and found the 'this is unbelievable' post very interesting indeed. In general, the 'posters' were not too convinced about this challenge, and understandably I think. But then having pondered a little I think there are huge similarities between your approach and ours. I Googled the 'Maudsley' approach to anorexia treatment as the founder of the forum says she is a huge supporter. I understand that it is a family/home-based method of treatment that focuses on putting the weight on as number one priority, which is essentially what we're trying to do here. However, you have a number of advantages over us...
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Firstly, in the webpage I found it specifically says that the Maudsley approach is not recommended for over 18s. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that you rely on sanctions and consequences if your child does not comply with the eating regime. We do not have this tool, and so we've tried to create our own: guilt and embarrassment! If Lizzie doesn't gain the weight, she's got to tell people about it, and she's got to live with the fact that the Hospice of St. Francis is not getting any cash!
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Secondly (and somebody mentioned this in the forum), as Lizzie is an adult, if she goes to hospital she has the ability to decide for herself, once she reaches a certain weight, whether to continue in hospital or to return home, a choice that your children would not have until they reach the target weight set for them by doctors. And it is not as though she hasn't tried the hospital route before. 'Been there, done that, got the t-shirt'... and within 6 months the t-shirt was 2 sizes too big once again, all the weight (and more) having dropped straight back off.
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The advantage (?) of this approach is that it is a struggle to get going! Lizzie just ain't gonna want to go through this again. It isn't a quick-fix, it's harder than hospital in some ways because there ARE certain choices to be made, but at the end of the day, she'll be learning how to deal with this disease as an independent, self-sufficient adult without having to flit in and out of hospital once a year.
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As always, whether you agree or not we would love to hear from anybody on this forum to hear your views.
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If you would like to be added to the mailing list and be notified of new posts, or if you would like to get in touch without posting a comment, please e-mail hannah@hannahshergold.com or telephone Hannah on 07729 219590.
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As always, your comments are simply invaluable so please keep them coming and do pass on the details of the blog to anybody that you think may be interested.
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Hannah
Weigh-in results
Wait for it....
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A GAIN of 0.1 kg!!
.Now, many of you will be thinking that it's not much to put on in a week but look at it this way: This is the third week in a row that Lizzie has not lost any weight, and two of those weeks have been small gains... we're getting there, slowly but surely!
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To update you on the eating progress this week. Lizzie has now well and truly incorporated lunch into her day for a whole fortnight now. We eat together during the week and Barry is taking the reins (and the spurs and whip!) at the weekends. She's gone from eating nothing at lunchtime to eating a cheese sandwich and a half (crusts off) on wholegrain bread. She's also added 1 Clinutren per day to the regime this week which is another 300 calories. To be honest, alongside her breakfast and dinner which seem to be more stable than lunch was, we were both a little surprised that the gain wasn't a little more convincing, but there you go. At least it's heading in the right direction.
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This week... Tuesday to Friday will be 1.5 Clinutren per day, going up to 2 Saturday to Monday, then it's weigh-in on Tuesday. So we'll see how the gremlin copes with that this week!!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
The ponderings of Lizzie and Hannah
Dear all, (and this is particularly addressed to a couple of the anonymous 'commenters'),
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We were a little vexed on Monday to see a couple of the comments posted after the Telegraph article was released. There were a couple of people that think that what Lizzie is doing is 'wrong' and that she is 'sending out a bad message'. Of course everybody is entitled to their own opinion about this challenge and in fact we think it's good for us to know that the support for it is not 100% positive, so we'd like to hear more from those people.
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Would it be possible for you to e-mail hannah@hannahshergold.com and expand a little on what you said in your comments. We'd like to know what your own situation is, whether you yourself are anorexic and if so, whether you are in hospital. Why do you not think that anybody can attempt to tackle this disease without hospital? Obviously it's a method that hasn't been tried before as far as we know and so yes, it is unproven, but is it not worth trying everything possible to try and gain an understanding of recovery based at home rather than in the false environment of hospital?
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That's the rationale behind what we're trying to do really. It may not work, and even if it does work, it wouldn't necessarily work for everyone. We're trying to make the most of Lizzie's 'traits' - high achiever, hates failing tasks in front of people, can excel at challenges laid in front of her etc. - and use them in the most productive way possible.
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Please get in touch. We genuinely would love to hear from you to hear the other opinions that may be floating about out there. Your e-mails will remain anonymous if you ask for them to be but we may summarize what you put forward and put it in the blog for everyone to have a gander.
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Thanks all, looking forward to hearing from you.
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Hannah and Lizzie
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We were a little vexed on Monday to see a couple of the comments posted after the Telegraph article was released. There were a couple of people that think that what Lizzie is doing is 'wrong' and that she is 'sending out a bad message'. Of course everybody is entitled to their own opinion about this challenge and in fact we think it's good for us to know that the support for it is not 100% positive, so we'd like to hear more from those people.
.
Would it be possible for you to e-mail hannah@hannahshergold.com and expand a little on what you said in your comments. We'd like to know what your own situation is, whether you yourself are anorexic and if so, whether you are in hospital. Why do you not think that anybody can attempt to tackle this disease without hospital? Obviously it's a method that hasn't been tried before as far as we know and so yes, it is unproven, but is it not worth trying everything possible to try and gain an understanding of recovery based at home rather than in the false environment of hospital?
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That's the rationale behind what we're trying to do really. It may not work, and even if it does work, it wouldn't necessarily work for everyone. We're trying to make the most of Lizzie's 'traits' - high achiever, hates failing tasks in front of people, can excel at challenges laid in front of her etc. - and use them in the most productive way possible.
.
Please get in touch. We genuinely would love to hear from you to hear the other opinions that may be floating about out there. Your e-mails will remain anonymous if you ask for them to be but we may summarize what you put forward and put it in the blog for everyone to have a gander.
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Thanks all, looking forward to hearing from you.
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Hannah and Lizzie
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